I originally started this as a stage play but have changed it for radio. This is only part of scene one. I'm in the process or adding more to scene two as I don't think it will be long enough. It runs about 25 minutes at the moment. Any and all comments welcomed as this is my first real attempt at writing a full play.
SCENE 1 ARRIVAL: INT: ECHOEY MARBLE HALLWAY LEADING TO THE PEARLY GATES IN HEAVEN
GRAMS:ESTABLISHING AND BACKGROUND MUSIC; BARBER AGNUS DEI (CHORAL): UNDER THROUGHOUT SCENE 1.
FX:ECHOING SHUFFLING LIGHT FOOTSTEPS OF AN OLD WOMAN GETTING CLOSER.
ST PETER: Hello and welcome to Heaven. Name please.
ETHEL:(PUZZLED) This doesn't look like the post office.
ST PETER: No, it doesn't, does it. Can I take your name please?
ETHEL: My name? (SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) Why do you want my name?
ST PETER: I need your name for our records dear; everyone has to give me their name
ETHEL: But I only want to buy some stamps and a birthday card for our Susan.
ST PETER: This isn't the post office dear; you are at the gates of Heaven.
ETHEL:(SUPPRISED) I am!
ST PETER: Yes dear.
ETHEL: Oh... Oh dear me... I'm not at the post office then?
ST PETER: No dear, you're not at the post office. You're in Heaven.
ETHEL: Heaven, oh my goodness! So, does that mean I'm dead then?
ST PETER: Yes am afraid so. If you would just give me your name it will help things along.
ETHEL: Oh dear, Heaven you say. Oh my, well yes.(PAUSE) Well fancy that!(PAUSE) Oh! My name, yes, Mrs Ethel Weston.
FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD
ST PETER: W-E-S-T-O-N. Ah here we are Ethel Weston aged sixty-four. Died, ten-fifteen at Kingston General. Does that sound right?
ETHEL: Oh well I don't know I was going to the post office. I was getting some stamps and a birthday card for our Susan.
ST PETER: Well it would appear that you had a heart attack Ethel and died not long after.
ETHEL:(BEAT) Oh dear oh my.
ST PETER:(BEAT) Marvellous thing these computers. Speed things up no end I can tell you. You wouldn't believe the size and amount of paperwork I had to go through to get just a small fragment of information from someone's entire existence. And! Trying to read some of the writing on the pages you wouldn't comprehend (PAUSE) Ah. Sorry Ethel, I'm afraid I'm rambling again, it's just that I find this computer so helpful in my work. (PAUSE)Okiedokie. Let's just see what your appointed destiny is shall we.
ETHEL: I have an appointed destiny?
ST PETER: But of course Ethel. Everyone has an appointed destiny. Let me see now.
FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A COMPUTER KEYBOARD
ST PETER: Oh this looks good Ethel,
FX: (UNDER) BACKGROUND FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING. MANS INAUDIBLE VOICE GRUMBLING AND CURSING
ST PETER: you've been chosen to be a Guardian Angel. Well done.
ETHEL: Oooh! So Angels do really exist then?
IAN THOMAS:(OFF UNDER) What the bloody hells going on here, where the devil am I!
ST PETER: Oh yes Ethel but of course they do. I see that you are going to be a Guardian Angel for Michelle, you great grandchild.
ETHEL: My great grandchild Michael! I don't have a great grandchild called Michelle.
IAN THOMAS:(ANNOYED) Excuse me, can someone tell me where the hell I am!
ST PETER: One moment sir, I'll be with you shortly. (BEAT) Ah well Ethel your granddaughter Susan is 2 months pregnant with your great granddaughter Michelle and you've been chosen to be her Guardian Angel. Congratulations Ethel! Don't look so worried everything is going to be fine.
ETHEL: 2 months pregnant! She's never mentioned it to me that she's pregnant! Oh my and I'm going to be her Guardian Angel Oh dearie dearie me I don't know if I can do that. I don't know how to be a Guardian Angel?
ST PETER: Ethel dear,(PAUSE) you have plenty of time overcome your fears and anxieties and we have a great team here to show you how to become a wonderful Guardian Angel. (PAUSE) Don't worry! If you would just like to go through the Pearly Gates and take the first door on your right, someone will take you through your inauguration.
FX
UNDER) SHUFFLING FOOTSTEPS FADE OFF
ST PETER: Hello and welcome to Heaven. Name please.
IAN THOMAS:(AGITATED) WHAT!
ST PETER: Name please.
IAN THOMAS:(AGITATED) What...Who the hell are you? (BEAT)Look where the bloody hell am I?
ST PETER: Begging your pardon SIR, but we don't use language like that up here. It's err, not good for our image. I know it may be a bit of a shock to find yourself here sir, but I'm a very busy Saint so if you could just give me your name please and I will be able to process you through on to the next level of your destiny.
IAN THOMAS:(AGITATED) Destiny! Destiny,what the hell are you going on about? Destiny! What bloody destiny! And where the hell am I?
ST PETER: Please Sir. I really must Insist that you restrain your language. There are a lot of people up here who take considerable offence to the usage of that word, so If you wouldn't mind!
IAN THOMAS:LOOK! Could you just tell me, if-its-not-too-much-trouble where in damn nation am I?
ST PETER: I already have Sir! Does the phrase hello and welcome to Heaven, strike any chords?
IAN THOMAS:(BEAT) Jesus! I was just crossing the road to buy some... Sorry I thought you said Heaven for a minute there?
ST PETER: Then you heard me correctly then sir.
IAN THOMAS: WHAT! WHERE!
ST PETER:(HEAVY SIGH) H-E-A-V-E-N Heaven, you know! Elysian Fields, Paradise, The Beyond, Kingdome Come. Don't you recognise any of this here? Like the Pearly Gates or maybe the choir of Angels singing you a welcoming hymn in the background. Didn't you ever go to church or read the bible?
IAN THOMAS:(SHOCKED) HEAVEN!
ST PETER: Yes.
IAN THOMAS:(PAUSE) But you have to be dead to go to Heaven!
ST PETER: Ah the penny drops me thinks. Good. Now can I have your name please?
IAN THOMAS: I'm sorry I think there must be some kind of mistake here mate. I mean I'm not dead. Look at me! I'm alive and kicking.
ST PETER:(BEAT) Well I'm afraid you don't look the picture of health to me Sir!
IAN THOMAS: What do you mean by that?
ST PETER: Well do you always go around in a hospital gown with a face looking like a clown who's had a jam tart pused in his face, or were you going to a fancy dress party as a lolly-pop perhaps?
IAN THOMAS: What the hel..
ST PETER:(BEAT) Er-urm I won't tell you again sir. Look, it's quite obvious that when your demise came it came totally unexpectedly and it must be a terrible shock, but as I said I'm a very busy Saint. So if you would be so kind as to give me your name so I can process you on to our.
IAN THOMAS:(BEAT) What's happened to me?
ST PETER: You've died!
IAN THOMAS: Oh I'm dead am I, well how did I die then? (BEAT) OH shiiiiugar I'm supposed to be picking her up at twelve, Christ she's going to kill me if I don't turn up!
ST PETER: Well, perhaps you where late Sir. (PAUSE) If you would just give me your name I will endeavour to enlighten you on your sad and somewhat unexpected demise.
IAN THOMAS: NO! no no no this can't be right I've died before my time, I must have. I'm not dead and all this is just a figment of my imagination, I'm asleep and this is all a dream, yeah that's it that's got to be it.
FXUNDER) FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
BREEZE:(OFF: SIGNING: UNDER: GEORGE HARRISON'S MY SWEAT LORD) My sweet lord, hallelujah. Mmm my lord, hallelujah. My my my lord, hallelujah. Mmm my lord, hare krishna
ST PETER: Yes some might consider all this a figment of one's imagination. That's what they say about the scriptures, the Dead Sea scrolls and the Holy Grail to name but three of the myriad of Holy artefacts and myths. Still! You could be right, maybe you're not dead and you are in the wrong place? Why don't you turn around and go back down Sir. The stairs are right behind you.
BREEZE:(SLOW AND HIPPYISH) OH wow man this is it cool. Far out, peace brother.
IAN THOMAS: RIGHT. I will. I'm off. (PAUSE) This place is giving me the creeps.
ST PETER:(CHEERY) Bye. See you soon.
FXUNDER) FOOSTEPS HEADING AWAY
ST PETER:(GROAN) Hello and welcome to Heaven. Name please.
BREEZE: Hey man don't you know me? I thought you knew everyone and everything man.
ST PETER: Not me Sir that would be the boss I'm just the gate keeper. Name please.
BREEZE: Oh yeah right man. Breeze, man... Like the wind, soft and gentle.
ST PETER: I will need your real name Sir, the one given to you when you were born.
BREEZE: Hey man I was given this name when I was like re-born man; we had a really cool ceremony y'know, baptism of faith right.
ST PETER: That's as maybe Sir but I still require the name you were given when you were born the first time round.
BREEZE: Hey maaan like I don't know how many lives I've lived y'know. During my last regression session I was like an herb farmer in Tibet in the sixteen hundreds y'know. (PAUSE) I suggested that the group called me Thyme. (PAUSE) Like a play on words y'know but the group said it didn't suit my psyche.
ST PETER:(EXASPERATED) Please, just give me the name you were given when you were born during this last life!
BREEZE: Oh wow man. OK keep your cool (PAUSE) Ronald Dickenson.
FX: (UNDER) TAPPING OF KEYS ON A KEYBORD
BREEZE:(OFF UNDER SINGING) I really want to see you lord, hallelujah. I really want to feel you lord, hare krishna
ST PETER: D-I-C-K-E-N-S-O-N(PAUSE) Mmm here we are Ronald Dickenson sixty-two of(HEAVY SIGH) Natures Child Commune Bolton Died ten-forty-five am substance abuse.
BREEZE: Oh man, yeah right, that must have been some bad trip yeah.(PAUSE) Hey man! When do I get to see you know who, Do I get see the holy dude?
) He would have been spot on if this were the early 1970s. But 'All Things Must Pass' and it is now 2009 - so I would suggest, say, a Goth?