Sitcom Trial Entry Page 2

Reviewing professional script writer Marc P's work reminded me of the other day when I tried to teach my Grandmother to suck eggs.

So I'll keep it brief and say I enjoyed reading it and would be interested to see the staged version as there was a lot to take in and to visualise in script form. At the moment I'm not sure about the poems and songs for a sitcom, even a staged one but maybe it could work!

For the sake of critique one small part I'd suggest you change would be "I didn't serve in the Falklands for nothing" It's a bit of an obvious joke to reply "You didn't serve in the Falklands" and you can write better than that Mr P.

There was lots to love though including the line about man cubs turning into men eventually. Sweet (even if not the intention).

And do I detect a theme in your work Marc? Jack/ Police/ Hospitals?

Thanks for posting.

Jx

Good points Robo and Jane and thanks for reading and taking the time to make them. I maybe a professional writer but not really a professional comedy writer, wel not out and out comedy anyway. When I did the TAPS showcase I had a tramp [Steve Frost] talk to the audience much like Max with his singing and poems. For me it is a time honoured classical tradition that goes back to the Greek Chorus - and a way of getting some cheap laughs without swearing.

Hi Marc
I enjoyed this.
Good idea to use Max during the changes; especially as you have quite a few of these.
Have you thought about adapting this for radio? I think it would work really well, and you can keep Max as the Narrator. Also, a radio audience might be more inclined to forgive vocabulary like 'mendacious'

Cheers Ian I hadn't thought of this for radio, certainly something to consider as I fancy writing a radio sitcom pilot. I can se why people might be a bit confused by Max and the staging but it was written around the stage lighting set up etc and is a hybrid - It's not a stage play it's not a proper sitcom script, just something for this event. Or not as it turned out.

Mendacious... It's almost as if she is making a pun!

Good on you for posting this Mr P

I enjoyed it to be fair.

The key elements were there

I thought the gag count was good. Although a few bits maybe weren't all that original - comparing people to coffee for example. Not saying copied maybe "dated" might be a better word. My type of humour!

The characters related well to each other.

The bit I couldn't really get was Max. And didn't really think he was needed. But excellent for trying something different.

The other thing was, there seemed to be a lot going on in a short section, which might be why it was a no go for ST. I didn't send an entry myself but here you got the main characters. Then Max. Then the headbutting Brian ( which was funny though ) + the radio bit. I didn't send anything in but if I did I would have done something with no more than three people.

Cheers Big Man. Thanks for your take. Some people don't seem to get Max's function which is cool, it's a device not common to scripts. It's breaking the traditions because of the unique nature of the thing - but better than having lights down and then up in my opinion.

Max would be a main character just not in this story. And thirteen minutes is a very long time for people to be watching stuff if there isn't much happening I reckon. Not sure why they don't have two thirty minute pilots per gig myself rather than four or five of them. That the way as Shakespeare would say the thing would be the thing.