Dead and Gone

Ok my take on a Welsh sitcom. A Welsh cake for whoever makes it better.

Dead and Gone

Scene 1- A Welsh Undertakers Shop

Ext- Shop sign Mabinogion Funeral Home.

Int- Several types of coffin can be seen.

Alfred Mabinogion proprietor is sat at the counter. He's in his fifties, greying hair. He's reading a women's magazine.

Alfred
A hundred and one beauty products you can't live without. Free nasal hair remover inside.
[He takes nasal hair remover out]

Alfred
Place at base of nostril. Squeeze tight and twist sharply away from nose. Right, in for a penny.
[He places hair remover at base of nostril and tugs away sharply]

Alfred
JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY!
[He writhes in pain holding his nose]
It's an instrument of torture!
[He crouches moaning loudly]

Sfx: Shop bell
[An old lady enters the shop]

Old Lady
Hello! Shop!

[Alfred appears from beneath counter holding his nose. He puts magazine and hair remover under the counter]

Alfred
Good morning. Alfred Mabinogion at your service. How can I help you?

Old Lady
I'd like to bury my husband.

Alfred
Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry for your…
[Whips up a price chart from beneath counter]
…loss. You'll find us very reasonable. Were you looking for something a bit special for your nearest and dearest? Only last week we buried a local celebrity train spotter. Nice steam engine engraved on the coffin and a guards flag draped across the top. Highly ironic that it was the train he failed to spot that got him in the end.

Old Lady
What nonsense. Waste of money. What's your basic service?

Alfred [under breath]
We could put him in a sack and chuck him in a skip.

Old Lady
I beg your pardon?

Alfred
I said 'don't worry about that, we've all prices to fit!'

Old Lady
Very well so what's the least expensive?

Alfred
We do a very reasonable biodegradable coffin for under five hundred pounds.

Old Lady
That's your cheapest?

Alfred
Very competitive I'll think you'll find. Pay twice that in Cardiff. I'll even throw in a free nasal hair remover.
[puts it on counter]

Old Lady
Very well it'll have to do.

Alfred
Just some details then. When did he pass away?

Old Lady
Oh he's not dead.

Alfred
Not dead.

Old Lady
No.

Alfred
Work with me here.

Old Lady
But he will be soon.
Alfred
Ah, how unfortunate. Terminal illness then. I'm terribly sorry.

Old Lady
Well don't be. He's only not dead because he has the uncanny ability to find his asthma pump. He suffers terribly with it you know. The next attack could kill him…if I find a good enough place to hide the damn thing.

Alfred
Remarkable.

Old Lady
I know! He sniffs it out like a blood hound. Still one must keep trying. I have a young man who does for me on a Thursday. Like a raging stallion he is and Derek, well Derek just interferes. It'll be better for him this way. I'll make a deposit then. Here's ten pounds.

Alfred
A whole ten pounds.
[shouting to off stage]
Colin fetch in the savings book!

Old Lady
I don't need to be there do I?

Alfred
Where?

Old Lady
At the funeral.

Alfred
Duw no. Shudder the thought. We'll take care of everything. But that is extra on the deposit. It has to be a hundred I'm afraid. Running costs and admin.

Old Lady
That's extortion!

Alfred
Maybe, but it's not murder is it now.

[Enter Colin with book. He walks slowly to the counter and puts the book overly gently on the top. He then backs away, bows and leaves.]

Old Lady
Is he alright?

Alfred
He's Di-Polar.

Old Lady
Di-Polar?

Alfred
Yes, it's the Welsh version of bi-polar. Normally bi-polar sufferers are slow of thought and deed for half the time but then hyper-active, intelligent, dare I say it bordering on the genius for the other half. However Colin only has the first half. Or he's just peculiar. Take your pick really. Cash cheque or credit card?

Old Lady
Cash

Alfred
You know I told myself there had to be something I'd like about you. If you'll just put your name and address in the book.
[She writes in book]
A headstone?
[She looks up]
Silly me. Right that should do you for now. When Derek finally loses his title as the world's greatest hide and seek player do let us know.
[Enter Rhian]

Rhian
Hello you old skin flint

Alfred
Hello tart
[She goes through shop and disappears through a door behind the counter. Old lady looks at them both quizzically]
It's my daughter. She's having it off with an [beat] Englishman.

Old Lady
Good for her

Alfred
I thought you would approve
[Old lady turns and leaves]
Bye bye! Die soon.

[Alfred picks up the phone and dials]

Hello can I speak to Sergeant Meyrick?
[beat]

Steve, its Alfred. You know you were telling me that your arrest rates have been down lately, well how does attempted murder sound?
[beat]

Yes name, address everything. Now Steve, we both know you've got Gareth 'I want to listen to Radio 3 in the bath' Jenkins down the morgue and I would be very happy if you sent the grieving widow my way for a bit of tlc and a whacking great funeral to follow.
[beat]

I know your uncle owns the funeral parlour in Blaencwm but he's not giving you a hot tip is he.
[beat]

Afford it? Have you forgotten that the widow Jenkins has a large endowment, including a priceless pair of magnificent breasts.
[Beat]

It's a done deal then?
[Beat]

Excellent. Call around later and I'll give you the necessary.
[Alfred puts down phone. Rhian enters]

Rhian
What you up to you old schemer?

Alfred
Just a nice bit of business.
[He rips page out of savings book and pockets money]
Now, how are my books looking?

End of scene 1

Hi Roscoff,

I really liked it, it was easy to read, and I got a good sense of the character. Minor point: I'm not too sure about the nasal hair remover, it was funny when he threw it in as a sweetener, but don't think a woman's mag would ever give one away free.

I'm sure you'll get more helpful feedback from the others.

Good luck!

Some nice lines - I liked the Di-polar bit.

Alfred reminds me of Arkwright.

On the whole I found it a bit of a slog to get through to be honest. Although that might have been the goings on in my house when I was trying to read.

Obviously too short a section to get a real feel. The section didn't make me feel as though the plot was moving forward - although it was only one scene.

Maybe post somemore.

Thanks peeps. A bit worrying you found it a bit of a slog Bigfella. Will look at tightening perhaps?

Nasal hair remover. I tried to be a bit ridiculous with that Angie Sort of taking the piss at the pointless give away scene. However this didn't come over so again might have to think of re-work to be more up front.

Thanks. Cyberspace Welsh cakes on their way

Quote: bigfella @ September 30 2009, 10:26 PM BST

Alfred reminds me of Arkwright.

View original

Possibly the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!

Hi,

I enjoyed reading this, a good opening scene I thought. I liked the Nasal hair remover bit, amoung other things. We were introduced to a few characters and Alfred's attitude towards them as well as to his customers and cash.

Two minor points for me were: 1. There didn't seem to be any great conflict mentioned for the main character, except he doesn't like his daughter's boyfriend.
2. It seemed odd to have someone come in and confess to plots of murder so matter of factly, I realise that it's a comedy so in part anything goes but it struck me as odd.

I enjoyed it though and would gladly read more.

[shouting to off stage]
Colin fetch in the savings book!

I take it you wrote this for the theatre originally Roscoff, but Joe Orton beat you to it.

I actually like the gubbins with the nasal hair remover, which I bet pops up later. Am I right?

The excerpt kept me entertained. It is full of absurdity, but if you are able to maintain the tone maybe it could work as big silly studio sitcom. Would need to read more really to judge if the project has any legs.

Thanks again. Godot/Jacporov/Timbo. Glad you liked the nasal hair remover bit Godot and it will almost certainly return later. Possibly the very last scene.

Jacporov the conflict will hopefully come in the next scene with Colin and another sidekick who are basically incompetent employees but of course cheap.

With the old lady and the attempted murder bit is that she doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong. Just the opposite. Derek's better off not knowing. But it is somewhat fantastical. So I see your point there.

It's all a bit of a curates egg. Shall ponder and write next scene.

I quite enjoyed it. It reminded me a little of Graham Linehan.

Quote: don rushmore @ October 1 2009, 12:33 AM BST

I quite enjoyed it. It reminded me a little of Graham Linehan.

View original

Cheers! Could make them Welsh/Irish. Welrish.

I really enjoyed this - and another vote in favour of the nasal hair removers - will we see him use them later to remove different kinds of hairs?!?

Don't know about anyone else but I'm keen to see Scene 2!

A few more thoughts.

Read it again in a more peaceful environment and didn't find it so much of a slog.

I also enjoyed the nasal nair bit.

But more "long term" thoughts.

The principle interaction will have to be with the workers in the undertakers. Almost all the interaction in this scene was with an old lady, clearly the environment of an undertakers is such that the same "customers" can't really come back week in week out ( although this might work with the old lady if the husband keeps living)

Open all hours worked well because in addition to the two principles characters there was the interaction with the different characters that could keep visiting the shop

I like the hair remover but there should be blood.

'celebrity' train spotter? The celebrity bit just seems odd. And I think you need to rework the getting hit by a train gag. It's good just a bit clumsy at the moment.

"We could put him in a sack and chuck him in a skip." Nice.

The easy admission to murder seemd to jar a bit for me as well. Perhaps you could play it out a bit so there's a gradual realisation that he's not dead yet and she's planning to bump him off?

Hi Roscoff,

Have read your piece and read the comments.

I perceive the setting to be a small town/community, so the introduction of a few regular characters would not be difficult.

Not that many years ago, Funeral Directors in my area had other business interests such as builder, taxi company etc. Perhaps your lead character has other such interests? [If nothing else, he should be a Freemason, so that could give you a fresh angle].

I get the feeling your undertaker has an irreverent side and is a spendthrift -how very !

A very enjoyable read Roscoff.
Plenty of potential there.
Nice one!