Skit Comp 29.9-7.10.9

Good stuff and congrats to... TIMBO! That's 10 points each and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

6! - 10 - Timbo
3 - 5 - Mr Sunshine

Your new subject: THE BIBLE (chosen by swerytd).
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 7.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
101 - Chris Forshaw
98 - Fred Peters
98 - Cool Mikado
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Otterfox
79 - Nigel Kelly
66 - Jude
66 - Fred Sunshine
66 - Timbo
60 - Baumski
55 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

My church has reacted to the recent swine flu concerns by introducing some new hymns. I enjoyed 'To Be a Pigrim' and 'Pork of Ages' but my favourite so far has been 'H1N1 More Step Along the World I Go'.

They've also started trying to raise extra funds by installing a cocktail bar. The best selling one is the Tequila Son-Of-GodRise but some of the more fire-and-brimstone members of the congregation go for the Jericho Wallbanger. Not particularly biblical when drunk individually but as a Christian binge-drinker, I go for 4 rusty nails.

All this extra money has allowed them to get in on the TV product placement that's now allowed. So they're sponsoring a new kids programme - 'Blue Simon called Peter'. They're also sponsoring that cooking programme where the contestants try to recreate the last supper - 'No Servant Can Serve Two Masterchefs'. Mind you, they've had to do one to shut the creationists up, so keep an eye out for 'Walking With Absolutely No Dinosaurs Whatsoever'.

The Holy Bible once the best selling book in the world, has now been pushed into second place by Micheal Jackson's memoirs.
It is reported that this is a sign of the times and that most people now view Micheal as their God.
One person interviewed said the proof that he is a God lies in the fact that not only did he miraculously change colour from black to white, his features became chiseled with the appearance of Pinocchio another well loved character. He could also moon walk and what more proof did anyone need? She added that, who on this earth has ever seen the supposedly invisible God, moon walk?
Tony Blair will be doing signing-of-the book sessions, along with Bill Clinton [who stated that one of Micheal's children could be his] at all good book shops in the coming weeks.

When I was younger I used to pray every night, I think it's because my parents would pray as well, I would hear them at all hours, screaming - Oh God, sweet f**king Jesus, take it you greasy shittard - never got that last one mind you.

And here's proof that God really exists, when I started praying like them they decided to put me in a separate room from my sister - I say a separate room it was more a cell... Either way Athiesm can swivel...

GEORGE HARRISON IS READING THE BIBLE.

LENNON:
Oy, George, you alright there?

HARRISON:
Oh, hi John.

LENNON:
So what you reading?

HARRISON:
The Bible.

LENNON:
Sound.

HARRISON:
It's a very interesting book and I've been reading it over and over ever since I got here and you know what?

LENNON:
What?

HARRISON:
Well, you know when we woz down there when we woz the Beatles?

LENNON:
Yeah, I know, when we was fab. What about it Georgie?

HARRISON:
So you remember when you said we was bigger than Jesus?

LENNON:
Yeah.

HARRISON:
Well, (CLOSING BOOK) we weren't.

END

EXT – BIBLICAL SCENE – DAY

A FOREMAN IS SETTING UP A STONE TABLET ON A LECTURN IN FRONT OF A RAMP LEADING TO THE ARK. MEN ARRIVE WITH CRATES CONTAINING PAIRS OF ANIMALS AS THE FOREMAN BEGINS 'TICKING' THEM OFF HIS LIST WITH A CHISEL. NOAH ARRIVES ON THE SCENE.

FOREMAN
Aardvark times two… check. Aardwolf times two… check. A –

NOAH
Whoa! Hang on there! How many of these have we got?

THE FOREMAN NODS AT A PILE OF TABLETS AT HIS FEET.

FOREMAN
It's only these six tablets.

NOAH
That's a relief!

FOREMAN
Then we get on to the Bs.

NOAH
What!? This is a disaster! We're going to need a bigger boat.

FOREMAN
Ark, you mean. Your name's getting synonymous with it Noah.

NOAH
But I've never heard of these creatures!

FOREMAN
To be fair we'd never heard of an ark before you got us working on this project. We got the list of animals off Wikitablets.

FOREMAN NODS TOWARDS A HUGE PILE OF STONE TABLETS THAT GOES ON AND ON INTO THE DISTANCE.

NOAH
FLUSTERED) What's next?

FOREMAN
The Bs?

NOAH
Yes, the Bs.

FOREMAN
That's it. Bees.

THE FOREMAN SHOWS NOAH THE TABLET WHICH HAS ONE WORD - "BEES" – ALONGSIDE A PICTURE OF A MAN RUNNING AWAY FROM A SWARM WITH A POT OF HONEY.

NOAH
What? No bats? Beetles? Bears?

FOREMAN
Bloody Wikitablets! Somebody's been editing. I'll get some men on to it.

THE FOREMAN CALLS UP TWO MEN AND SENDS THEM OFF TO ROUND UP BATS, BEETLES AND BEARS.

FOREMAN (CONT'D)
Don't worry, the rest of the alphabet's bound to be all right!

THE FOREMAN POINTS TO 24 MORE PILES OF STONE TABLETS FOR THE REST OF THE ALPHABET.

NOAH
Jesus!

FOREMAN
Who?

NOAH
It's no good. We're going to have to leave some behind. We don't have enough room!

NOAH PULLS OUT A TABLET AT RANDOM.

NOAH (CONT'D)
Aha! Wasps! Nobody likes wasps! Ruined our picnic last weekend. My wife was furious. There can't be a place in God's plan for wasps!

FOREMAN
With respect to you and your wife – sorry, I forget her name?

NOAH
Noah's wife.

FOREMAN
With respect to you and Noah's wife, when wasps ruin someone else's picnic it can be quite fun to watch.

NOAH
Yes. Yes, I suppose you're right. And they don't take up much room anyway. Okay, wasps are in, but we need to get rid of some others. Here, give me another tablet.

THE FOREMAN SELECTS ANOTHER RANDOM TABLET AND EXAMINES IT WITH NOAH.

NOAH (CONT'D)
They can go. Unholy creatures.

THE FOREMAN CHISELS AT THE TABLET, THEN POINTS TO A NAME.

FOREMAN
What about them?

NOAH
No. I am sure they are part of God's great plan.

FOREMAN
Okay, the dodos are in. (PAUSES, CHISEL IN HAND) If you don't mind me saying so Noah, some of the lads have been talking and we're not really sure about this climate change theory of yours.

NOAH
It's not my theory, it's God's. He will send a deluge to punish us for our wickedness. And I will take two of every creature -

FOREMAN
Well, almost every creature.

NOAH
Two of almost every creature, and keep them safe in my boat.

FOREMAN
Ark.

NOAH
Yes, ark.

FOREMAN
But a bit of rain – not exactly the end of the world is it? Good for the garden if you ask me. It's been parched for ages. And a great flood? That's a new one! Whatever happened to pestilence, or locusts?

NOAH
Good point – locusts. Make sure they're on the list. God might want to send a plague of them in the future.

FOREMAN
Okay okay, we've got the locusts.

NOAH
Great, now hurry up will you? I can see dark clouds forming.

FOREMAN
Right you are Noah. Just got to catch some zeds.

NOAH
This is no time for sleep!

FOREMAN
Who mentioned sleep? Apparently there's things called zebras to round up.

END

WE HEAR THE PUBLISHER'S SIDE OF A PHONECALL TO A HOPEFUL AUTHOR.

PUBLISHER:
Okay, I want to be straight with you here... John, isn't it? Well, there's not much call for – books at the moment, what with the total lack of readership. Especially one as weighty as this. It would take us several hundred years before we could get it out in any volume to make our money back – even in parchment back.

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone as the caller says something we can't make out.

PUBLISHER:
Mhmm. Sure, sure. It's certainly a ripping yarn, I'll give you that.

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone again.

PUBLISHER:
Okay, my words, admittedly, John. But do you think anyone is going to believe this stuff? What with turning water into wine, parting the Red Sea – I mean, the Red Sea, John. Have you any idea how big that is? Well, no one does, of course, what with the total lack of bloody cartographers around at the minute. And then there's this 'coming back from the dead' lark. It's just not plausible.

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone again.

PUBLISHER:
Well, John, to be honest that's another problem area right there. I mean, we all have our crosses to bear, but Jesus H Christ!

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone again.

PUBLISHER:
Oh, you're thinking of dropping the 'H' now? Good, but even so. Is it really a name you'd associate with a swash-buckling hero? Look, the boys upstairs have been spit-balling a few ideas around and we were thinking... how about we call this character Jesus Mart? How does that sound to you? We could really have a lot of fun with his followers being called Martians, yeah?

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone again.

PUBLISHER:
Okay, calm down, calm down, John. So, you're set on the name – fine. But have you considered the spin-offs? Just stay with me here, a minute. Say someone invents a 90-minute visual format in the next couple of millennia? Long shot, I know, but this story just wouldn't fit it comfortably. It's sprawling, it's unwieldy...

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone again.

PUBLISHER:
Well, taking it to another publisher – that's your prerogative, of course. You're the author.

SFX:
Distorted voice on the end of a phone again.

PUBLISHER:
What? Well, I wish you'd told me this was written by some sort of creative writing workshop. I certainly wouldn't have wasted my time going through it, chapter and verse.

SFX:
Dialling tone

PUBLISHER:
Tut! Publish a blockbuster like the Dead Sea Scrolls and you get every crackpot author on God's earth thinking he can write a best seller!

Jackson Jive

A church.

The VICAR – dressed as a bad Michael Jackson parody – stands:

VICAR Thank you all for coming here to pay your respects to the only star who managed to become rich and famous without letting it change him in any way: Michael Jackson… Yes the man did it all: he sang, he danced, he touched kids – I've only managed one of those – and as he himself said to his nads whilst watching 'Grange Hill': We now stand…

Ah Michael,

Who moonwalks Heaven,

Wallow in thy fame.

Thy pap be sung,

Though it be dung,

In New York, Washington and Devon.

Beat it, Thriller, Earth Song and Bad,

Billie Jean, Black and White, that was sad,

But the Paul McCartney thing was worse.

Plastic surgery's temptation,

But those kiddies was real evil.

Yet thine were the big songs,

You're powerful, we're whory,

For ever, we wither,

Ah Mike.

Three men are sat down at a table. They are wearing traditional arab clothing. They are all scribes with quills in hand. One man only is writing on parchment.

Bob: 'And God said begone from my garden. And Adam and Eve were cast into the world of men.' And that gentlemen is chapter one. What do you think?

Reg: Damn fine start Bob. The whole apple and serpent thing you had going on there. Damn fine.

Eric: I liked the bit where he saw her boobies!

Bob/Reg: Eric!

Eric: Sorry.

Reg: But what about a title?

Bob: I know I know.

Reg: The publisher said he wouldn't touch it without at least a working title for chapter one.

Eric: What about [beat] The Beginning.

Bob: Too obvious.

Reg: Been done to death.

Bob: Oh Christ I don't know. Put some music on Reg I need to chill.

[Reg opens a window and shouts into street]

Reg: Oi you lot, play something relaxing. Bob needs inspiration.

Sfx: Music with strong drum beat to start

Singer (in distance): I can feel it coming in the air tonight oh Lord
I've been waiting for this moment all my life oh Lord...

Bob: That's it. It's so obvious.

Reg: Of course!

Reg/Bob: Genesis!!!

INT. JERUSALEM. NIGHT

JESUS AND HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES ATTEND THE LAST SUPPER.

JESUS
OK! Who's for pizza and who's for doner kebab? Iscariot you're paying!

EXT. MOUNT SINAI.DAY

A LARGE EXPECTANT CROWD SURROUNDS THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN. AFTER A WHILE MOSES APPEARS CARRYING A TOILET ROLL LOOKING SHEEPISH

MOSES
Er, I'd give it a few minutes if I were you

MOUNT SINAI:

THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL ARE DANCING ROUND THE GOLDEN CALF.
MOSHE APPEARS ON THE MOUNTAIN AND SMASHES UP THE TWO TABLETS IN ANGER. EVERYONE STOPS AND IT IS SILENT.

CUT TO:

HIGH STREET. OUTSIDE A SEEDY SHOP. SIGN SAYS "XCHANGE UR GOLD HERE".

F/X: SQUEAKING WHEELS

A BEARDED ISRAELITE COMES INTO VIEW, TUGGING ON A ROPE. A CART WITH THE CALF ON FOLLOWS.

END

INT: Doobell Chimes "You'll Never Walk Alone" MAN (M)OPENS DOOR to two God-floggers (GF)

M: "Whatcha want?"

GOD FLOGGERS (GF) "We're speading the Word of the Good Lord."

M: "Which one is it?"

GF: "What God?"

M: "No. What word?"

GF: The 'Word' describes all of God's words. There are words for everyone.
Words for all situations. Words of comfort. Words of love. Words of
salvation. Words of..."

M: Which one's are you two floggin?

GF: The Words of the Good Lord are free to all men?

M: What about women. Got no words for them, then? R'you muslims?

GF: We are spreaders of the Words of Christ, we are Christians.

M: How many words you got to spread, then? You on an earner?

GF: The words are manyfold. We devote our lives to saving souls and
the words are the tools of our crusade.

M: How many you gotta spread?

GF: A whole Bible full.

M: How many's that, then?

GF: The amount is not important. The message is everything.

M: Hang on a mo.

CUT to GOOGLE SEARCH - "words in the Bible"

CUT to front door

M: According to Google there's 783 137.
You'll need a tip-up-truck to spread that lot.

INT. PHAROAH'S PALACE. DAY.

PHAROAH, TROUBLED, RECLINES ON HIS REGAL COUCH.

A PALACE GUARD STANDS NEARBY.

JOSEPH, WEARING HIS SPECIAL COAT, SITS ON A NEARBY STOOL, TAKING NOTES WITH A QUILL AND PARCHMENT.

PHAROAH:
…then seven thin cows arrived and ate the seven fat cows! That's when I woke up. Tell me, O wise Joseph, what could it possibly mean?

JOSEPH:
I see. Tell me, Pharaoh, these cows… did they have large udders?

PHAROAH:
Did they what?

JOSEPH:
The cows' udders. Were they particularly large?

PHAROAH:
Well, maybe. A bit. I wasn't really…

JOSEPH:
Great big, juicy, swinging udders. Long pink teats. I'm sure I'd notice something like that.

PHAROAH:
Well, I…

JOSEPH:
Fit to bursting with lovely milk. Round, drooping udders…

PHAROAH:
Are you sure this is strictly relevant?

JOSEPH:
Pink, fleshy, delicious udders...

PHAROAH:
Guard! Are you sure you brought me the right man?

GUARD:
Yes, sir. Joseph, sir. Finest psychiatrist we could find, sir.

PHAROAH:
He's the one who interpreted the dreams of the royal baker and the royal butler in prison?

JOSEPH (TO HIMSELF):
…lovely, juicy, squeezable udders…

GUARD:
Yes, sir. One of them was hanged for stealing from the royal coffers.

PHAROAH:
And the other..?

GUARD:
Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, sir.

JOSEPH:
Tell me about your mother.

=================
BOOKER PRIZE
=================
EARLY EVENING ON AN OUTDOOR STAGE. TWO PEOPLE STAND BEHIND A LECTURN; A MAN WEARING A BLACK ROBE AND BOW-TIE, HOLDING A PAPYRUS ENVELOPE, AND A WOMAN WEARING A VERY GLAMOUROUS, REVEALING, SHINY ROBE.

AN AUDIENCE SITS IN FRONT AROUND POSH WOODEN TABLES WITH REEDS IN THE CENTRE

MAN:
And the nominees for this year's Man Booker Prize are…

WOMAN:
The Gospel According to Matthew.

MATTHEW STANDS AND SHEEPISHLY WAVES AT THE AUDIENCE

F/X:AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

WOMAN:
The Gospel According to Mark.

MARK WAVES ARROGANTLY WITHOUT STANDING UP

F/X:APPLAUSE

WOMAN:
The Gospel According to Luke.

LUKE STANDS AND OPENS HIS ARMS WIDE

LUKE:
(MACHO) Ooo-yeah!

F/X:HEARTIER APPLAUSE. SOME WHOOPING

WOMAN:
(SHOUTS OVER) The Gospel According to John.

A HAND SHARPLY GOES UP FROM THE CROWD AND AS QUICKLY BACK DOWN AGAIN

F/X:INDIVIDUAL POCKETS OF CLAPPING

WOMAN:
And Genesis.

F/X:APPLAUSE

MAN:
And the winner is…

MAN TEARS OPEN THE PAPYRUS ENVELOPE

MAN:
Genesis!

F/X:ENORMOUS APPLAUSE. SOME CHEERING

LUKE SHAKES HIS HEAD

LUKE:
Oh, it's always the most badly-written, made-up nonsense…

END