This is a rewrite of a sketch I wrote and shelved a year or so ago. Any comments gratefully received.
MIDDLE CLASS SWINGING CAVEMEN
NARRATOR:
In around 40,000 BC, some Homo Sapien tribes began to form a rudimentary resemblance to what we might describe as a language. This of course, put these tribes at a social advantage…
SCENE 1. EXT. CAVE. EARLY EVENING.
A MALE AND FEMALE CAVEMAN, (TAK AND OOWOO) APPROACH A CAVE CAUTIOUSLY, SNIFFING THE AIR. TAK APPEARS TO CHANGE HIS MIND ABOUT SOMETHING AND BEGINS TO WALK BACK THE WAY HE CAME.
OOWOO DRAGS HIM BACK.
OOWOO:
Ug wak katno doornok!
(SUBTITLES)
Go on then, knock on the door!
SHE POINTS TO THE CAVE DOOR. TAK ROLLS HIS EYES.
TAK:
Ug hok baksik nok tu, ik tokno redcheek!
(SUBTITLES)
They're just not our type of people, it'll be embarrassing!
OOWOO:
Ag nok, wok tagnut katno.
(SUBTITLES)
I know, let's just get it over with.
TAK SIGHS AND KNOCKS ON THE CAVE DOOR. ANOTHER CAVEMAN (LOROK) ANSWERS. HIS ANIMAL SKINS ARE CRISP AND FRESH. HE'S CLEAN SHAVEN AND SMOKING A PIPE.
LOROK:
(CHEERY, MIDDLE-CLASS ACCENT) Ah, Tak old chap, so wonderful you could make it! How the devil are you?
TAK:
Okat, finkoo.
(SUBTITLES)
Okay, thank you.
LOROK:
Good, good. And this must be your good lady wife, sorry, terrible with names…
OOWOO:
Oowoo.
LOROK:
Oowoo, of course, of course. Please do come in, make yourself at home. (CALLING TO WIFE) Darling, the Kak-Kaks are here!
THEY STEP INSIDE.
LOROK'S WIFE, KORAL, ENTERS FROM THE CAVE KITCHEN CARRYING DRINKS.
KORAL:
Oh super, you're here, thanks so much for coming. We don't seem to get many visitors since the gene that controls language mutated and allowed us to develop the rudiments of modern speech. Dinner shan't be long... Campari aperitif?
SHE OFFERS THE KAK-KAKS THE DRINKS, WHICH THEY TAKE.
TAK + OOWOO:
Finkoo.
(SUBTITLES)
Thank you.
WE LINGER FOR A SECOND ON TAK AND OOWOO AS THEY GLANCE AT ONE ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLY.
FADE TO:
SCENE 2. INT. CAVE DINING ROOM. NIGHT.
EVERYONE IS SAT AT THE DINNER TABLE, THE MEAL FINISHED. LOROK PUTS A BIG BONE ON HIS PLATE AND LEANS BACK, PATTING HIS TUMMY.
LOROK:
That was the best bloody bison leg I've ever had darling. And the ox-testicle en crute was simply divine.
KORAL:
(BASHFULLY) Oh you…
LOROK:
No, really! What did you think, Tak old sport?
CUT TO TAK WHO'S SUCKING ON A BISON HOOF.
TAK:
(BURPS)
(SUBTITLES)
Delicious.
LOROK:
Yes, well…quite.
KORAL:
I'll start cleaning up. Oowoo, why don't we leave the menfolk to it and you can come with me for a girlie chat?
OOWOO:
Gewwy…tat?
(SUBTITLES)
Girly…chat?
KORAL:
Yes, a girlie chat! Come on.
OOWOO RELUCTANTLY GETS UP AND FOLLOWS KORAL, LOOKING OVER HER SHOULDER UNSURELY AT TAK. TAK DOES A WEAK, REASSURING SMILE.
LOROK:
Wonderful woman you've got there, Tak old chap, wonderful, earthy, (SNIFFS THE AIR) smelly woman. You're a lucky man, Tak. A very lucky man. Look. I'll cut to the chase, there's another reason why we invited you to dinner tonight…tell me, have you heard the term "swinging" before?
TAK BLINKS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
LOROK:
Of course, how could you, I just made it up. (LAUGHS) Allow me to explain…
HE GRINS RAISES AN EYEBROW CADDISHLY.
FADE TO:
SCENE 3. INT. CAVE BEDROOM. NIGHT.
ALL FOUR ARE IN BED BENEATH THE ANIMAL SKIN DUVET, WITH LOROK HUMPING TAK'S WIFE OOWOO, AND KORAL RIDING TAK.
TAK LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE AND HIGHLY- EMBARRASSED, AS DOES OOWOO.
LOROK:
First rate evening, eh Tak?
TAK:
Okat, finkoo.
(SUBTITLES)
Okay, thank you.
KORAL:
You must come again, Oowoo.
OOWOO:
Okat, finkoo.
(SUBTITLES)
Okay thank you.
END SKETCH
