Millionaire

Hi guys, this is my first attempt at a skit/sketch or whatever it's called? And my first attempt (notice I said attempt) at comedy. Big departure from poetry I can tell you. Not sure if it works but I would be interested in any feedback whatsoever. I can take whatever you throw at me, even if it's just to give the other forum readers a laugh, s'ok cos I'm thick skinned. But I would prefer some constructive criticism.

INT. TV STUDIO.

AUDIANCE APPLAUSE DIES DOWN LIGHTS MOVE AND DIM.

CHRIS TARRANT
Ok Pete, question fifteen worth one million pounds. You still have phone a friend. You don't have to play it and you can still walk away with half a million pounds. If you play it and get it wrong, you'll lose four hundred and fifty thousand pounds. OK?

PETE
Yeah

CT
OK here it is. Good luck. The title of Thomas Hardy's novel Far from the madding crowd came from a line of poetry by. A. W H Auden B. William Shakespeare, C. Thomas Grey, D. Thomas Hardy

P
(PAUSE) Oh God I've absolutely no idea Chris. I'd like to phone a friend please

CT
Ok who do you want to phone?

P
Hilda

CT
Hilda who's she?

P
My auntie, she's 84 years old and reads a lot so she should know.

CT
84? Blimey and where is she from Pete?

OFF. PHONE RINGS.

P
She lives in Bristol.

OFF. PHONE IS ANSWERED.

Hilda
Hello

CT
Hello Hilda. Chris Tarrant here from who wants to be a millionaire! I have your nephew Pete here and he's doing rather well, well, very well in fact. He has five hundred thousand pounds but he's stuck on the next question.

H
(BEAT) Sorry I can't hear you, just a minute while I take out my hearing aid.

CHRIS PULLS A FACE AND THE AUDIENCE LAUGH

CT
OK.

H.
Who's calling?

CT
Chris Tarrant from who wants to be a millionaire

H
Oh hello

CT
Hello Hilda, I have your nephew Pete here and he's doing very well. He has five hundred thousand pounds but he's stuck on the next question and he's hoping you can help him on the next question worth one million pounds.

H
Oh ok

CT
Ok, the next voice you hear will be Pete; he'll read you the question which has four possible answers.

CLOCK WITH 60 SECONDS SHOWING APPEARS ON THE SCREEN

CT
OK your time starts now.

CLOCK ON SCEEN STARTS COUNTING DOWN 59 58 57 56 55

P
The title of Thomas Hardy's novel Far from the madding crowd came from a line of poetry by. Is it, A.

H
(BEAT) Thomas Hardy

54 53 52

CT
Oh Hilda (BEAT) take some time to think about it why don't you! hahaha

AUDIENCE LAUGH AND THE CLOCK CONTINUES 51 50 49 48 47

P
Are your sure Hilda

H
Yes, Thomas Hardy sure I'm sure.

48 47 46 45 44

P
Thomas Hardy Chris, final answer

43 42 41

CT
Sure? Final answer

40 39 38

P
Yes Chris, Thomas Hardy

37 36 35

CLOCK STOPS AND HILDA'S VOICE FADES AND THE LINE GOES DEAD

H
OH no! Wait I'm wrong its.....

CHRIS'S FACE BECOMES ASHEN PETE'S JAW DROPS

CT
OH no Pete!

PETE PUTS HIS HAND TO COVER HIS FACE

CT
CONTINUED I have to take the answer Pete and you've just lost four hundred and fifty thousand pounds!

PETE FALLS FORWARD CRASHING HIS HEAD IN TO HIS MONITOR AND FALLS OFF THE CHAIR ON TO THE FLOOR

CT
Oh no! Could someone call an ambulance?

FADE TO PETE BEEN STRETCHERED OFF THE SET
TO THE AUDIENCE

CT
Let's give Pete a hand. He goes away with fifty thousand pounds!

It's quite a lot predictable, don't you think? You'd need a much more surprising ending to make it worth the wait.

But you can clearly write. Try another one.

Hi Sonofjoe.

Don't they finish the phone call before Chris asks the contestant the question?

Mr sunshine is absolutely correct. Also, don't they only get 30 secs, not 60.

That said the main problem was, although well written and mildly entertaining, it lacks a decent punch/reveal/twist at the end.

Worth a re-write though

Hi Sonofjoe,

With respect, the majority of the writing is merely a generic transcript of the show's formula, so you can't really go wrong with that part.

Hilda seems a good character but the twist/reveal lacks strength. A better finish is needed, as others have suggested.

Thanks for all the responses, I appreciate your time. I agree that the majority is generic scripting and I also agree that it is quite predictable. Also you are right that the punch/twist is quite weak.

The idea came to me last light while watching the show and was written quickly after breakfast without much thought. It is only after reading your thoughts that I realise where my mistakes are, but as it was my first, I will take all onboard for my next attempt at comedy.