INT. DAY. ROOM.
A HEAD UNDERTAKER STANDS AT A CHART. THE CHART IS A GRAPH WITH A STRAIGHT LINE.
HEAD:
As you can see, for the current fiscal year, deaths have been fairly uniform. Now lads, I want bigger profits, so how do I achieve that?
RANDOM VOICE:
More deaths boss?
HEAD:
Well, clever clogs, more deaths is one route to maximise sales but I would rather we pursued what undertaking gurus refer to as proactive undertaking.
RANDOM VOICE:
If we meet targets, will we receive a bonus?
HEAD:
You'll receive a generous staff discount. If you happen to snuff it, I'll bury you at cost price.
RANDOM VOICE:
It's not much of an incentive really. (PAUSE) Any chance of a cheap casket? I've a homer to do tonight.
HEAD:
Look, we can finalise the nitty gritty later. (PAUSE) But first, lets bandy about a few ideas.
RANDOM VOICE:
We could have a couple of hearses patrol near A&E to block ambulances coming in.
RANDOM VOICE:
Have a vicar on a retainer, give him a few business cards to shell out to recently bereaved families.
HEAD:
Not bad, come on, you at the back, you haven't said a peep yet, any thoughts?
RANDOM VOICE:
That's Bob, he's asleep, he works nights as well as this.
HEAD:
Bingo! Night funerals. You hearing me men, 24/7 burials, that's what I'm talking about.
RANDOM VOICE:
We need the cadavers though boss, there's no point getting ready for a funeral frenzy without the VIP's.
HEAD:
True, so we need an upswing in the mortality rate. How?
FX THUMP OF COFFIN IN ROOM. COFFIN LID LIFTS OPEN AND CORPSE SITS UP. HEAD UNDERTAKER SEES IT AND COLLAPSES AND DIES.
CORPSE:
Heart attacks.
