Jeremy Kyle Interviews?

A very rare submission by me, started it but couldn't find a finish, please be as brutal as possible.

Jeremy kyle: Today we meet a man who is at breaking point. His friends have stopped returning his calls, his home is at risk, and he fully expects to be out of a job by next May. He has asked for us to keep his identity a secret, so I will be interviewing this darkened sillhoette and calling him 'Mr B'

JK: So Mr B, tell the nation your troubles.

Mr B:[in a very recognisable Scottish accent]: Before we start, it's a bit dark in here and you are sitting on my glass eye side, do you mind moving.

JK: err, no problem [whispering] remember try not to give too much away about your identity. [aloud] so whats been going on?

MR B: Well it all started a few weeks ago when I agreed to give a sick man a second chance at life.

JK: sounds admirable

MR B: Precisely. But now even the people who I have a 'special' relationship with are starting to snub me. He won't return my calls and refuses to meet me at G20

JK: [thinking quickly]Err, G20 is a name of a club right?

MR B: Yes. A special club for special people, special people like me.

JK: Ahh, Special needs.

MR B: No. Special relationships. I said to him, Barrack what have I done?

JK: [interrupting] Please, no Christian names, just MR O as we agreed.

MR B: Oh, yes right. Anyway MR O said he would rather meet President M from Russia, President H of China and Prime Minister H from Japan.

JK: [head in hands, muttering] Why do I bother. [aloud] is there no one that wants to meet with you?

MR B: Only Colonel G from Libya, and I know what he wants.

JK: whats that?

MR B: More missiles.

JK: Prime Minister, thank you.

Good idea and some nice constructions. But you've over written it a tad, Kyle's first sentence is way to verbose.

Also you're telling more than showing, it's a strong enough sketch to not need that.

And we haven't sold Libya missiles it's a factoid that nooys. Go for the Megrahi angle?

So overall good effort but room for improvement.

I agree with SootyJ
It's a bit over explained, but it is quite funny.

Thanks for taking the time to critique guys.

I obviuosly need to work at my writing. I am a bit concerned that my 'style' might be a bit wordy, something I am going to have to address.

I can at least take heart that the idea at least is 'quite funny' >_<

Good premise.
I'm a newbie, so don't know the form, but are you allowed to post a rewrite? If you rewrote with the feedback in mind, I'd like to have another look.

A

Quote: Andrea Waters @ September 23 2009, 9:56 AM BST

Good premise.
I'm a newbie, so don't know the form, but are you allowed to post a rewrite? If you rewrote with the feedback in mind, I'd like to have another look.

A

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Not quite sure to do for the best myself. My initial reaction is to take on board the comments and try to implement them in my next sketch. But so many people here claim that writing is re-writing, so I'm not sure which would improve me as a writer.

The sketch itself isn't going anywhere so there would be no need for a re-write, I'm just trying to improve.