Scene 1
BRIAN'S FRONT ROOM. JEFF (48) AND HIS DAD, BRIAN (ALSO 48) ARE SITTING WATCHING THE TV, HAVING A PINT EACH.
JEFFGood God, dad, a skateboarding duck. I'd forgotten how entertaining Nationwide could be.
BRIAN:Aren't you supposed to be fixing that time machine of yours? The sooner you get back to the year 2009 the better. And you can tidy your laboratory while you're at it.
JEFF
ad, can't you give it a rest for five minutes?
BRIAN:Go on, look lively, you'll be home any second.
(JEFFREY, AN 18-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF JEFF, ENTERS. HE SHOULD LOOK AND DRESS LIKE HIS OLDER SELF)
BRIAN:Too late.
JEFFREY:All right, dad? Jeff?
BRIAN:Hi son.
JEFF:Hi… er… Jeffrey.
JEFFREY:Are you watching the telly?
JEFF:Well dur!
JEFFREY:What???
BRIAN:Go ahead, what's on?
JEFFREY:There's a new sci-fi series starting, it's called Blake's Seven, thought I might give it a go.
JEFF:Blake's Seven? Brilliant! Can I watch?
JEFFREY:Yeah, if you want. How do you know it's brilliant?
BRIAN:Yes, Jeff, how do you know it's brilliant?
JEFF:I'm just guessing. Don't have a cow, man!
JEFFREY:Why would I have a cow? You don't half talk funny.
JEFF:Just watch the telly. This is great.
SFX BLAKE'S SEVEN THEME TUNE
BRIAN
TO JEFF) Either tell him the truth or shut up.
JEFFTo BRIAN) Shut up yourself, Blake's Seven is starting.
BRIANon't talk to me like that.
JEFFIMITATES BRIAN) Don't talk to me like that.
JEFFREY SITS IN BETWEEN JEFF AND BRIAN ON THE SOFA
JEFFREYad. (QUIETLY) When you asked Mum out, what did you say?
JEFFROLLS HIS EYES) Oh, God.
BRIANCLIPS JEFF AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD) Why? You asking a girl out?
JEFFREY:Well… it's the Christmas disco, and I want to ask Mary.
BRIAN:Mary Jones?
JEFFREY:Yeah.
BRIAN:Well just ask her to go to the disco with you.
JEFFSLAPS JEFFREY ON THE KNEE) And that's Relationships With Brian Davis. We'll see you after the break when Brian will be showing you how to bury a small child's pet goldfish whilst telling a loved one they've got cancer. God, it's a miracle you were born at all.
JEFF STANDS UP TO ADDRESS THE AUDIENCE. BRIAN AND JEFFREY FREEZE
SFX: SHOW'S THEME TUNE: CHER: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. FADE DOWN TO BACKGROUND AS JEFF SPEAKS
JEFF:My name is Jeff Davis. I made it my life's work to invent a time machine so that I could go back and warn my younger self not to marry my wife and save myself years of nagging from her and my mother-in-law. On my arrival in the 1970s, the time machine broke and remains inoperable due to the unavailability of energy-saving lightbulbs. Stuck in a world where Bernard Manning is king and with no sign of alternative comedy on the horizon, I must stop my younger self from marrying Mary Jones, while re-building the flux capacitor which will enable me to return to 2009. On the plus side, I've got very good odds on Alan Sunderland scoring a late winner for Arsenal in the 1979 Cup Final.
JEFF SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN. JEFFREY AND BRIAN COME OUT OF FREEZE
JEFFREY:Wow, you're right, Blake's Seven was brilliant. The special effects were amazing.
JEFF IS DEEP IN THOUGHT
JEFFREY:Jeff?
JEFF:Just tell her what beautiful eyes she's got.
JEFFREY
he has got beautiful eyes, you're right. Thanks Jeff.
BRIANSTANDS UP) Jeff, a word in your shell-like.
JEFF STANDS UP AND JOINS HIM
BRIAN:I thought you didn't want Jeffrey to go out with Mary Jones.
JEFF:I don't know. One minute I want to warn him what a nag-bag she and her mother are going to be for the rest of his life, the next I want him to make his own mistakes.
BRIAN:Well make your mind up.
JEFF:I suppose I could always tell him to dump her when things start going wrong.
BRIAN:No! Either you nip it in the bud now or you leave him alone completely.
JEFF
r what exactly?
BRIAN:Look, my house, my rules.
JEFFIMITATES BRIAN) My house, my rules.
BRIANSIGHS) When you have to resort to stupid imitations…
JEFFIMITATES BRIAN) When you have to resort to stupid imitations…
BRIAN:…you know you've lost the argument.
JEFFIMITATES BRIAN) You know you've lost the argument.
BRIAN:Jeffrey!
JEFFREY:What?
BRIAN:Not you!
JEFFREYIMITATING) Not you!
BRIANon't you start.
JEFFREYtart what?
BRIANoing stupid imitations.
JEFFREYIMITATING) Doing stupid imitations.
JEFFLAUGHS) It just doesn't get old. High five, Jeffrey.
JEFF HOLDS HIS HAND UP TO HIGH FIVE JEFFREY. JEFFREY STARES AT HIM
JEFFREY:What?
BRIAN:Look, can we get back to the point here.
JEFF/JEFFREY: (IMITATING) Look, can we get back to the point here.
BRIAN:For goodness' sake!
JEFF/JEFFREY: (IMITATING) For goodness' sake!
BRIAN:Right, that's it, if you're going to behave like infants, I'm going to treat you like infants.
JEFF/JEFFREY: (IMITATING) Right, that's it, if you're going to behave like infants, I'm going to treat you like infants.
BRIAN:I see.
JEFF/JEFFREY: (IMITATING) I see.
BRIAN:Thank you, I've had enough.
JEFF/JEFFREY: (IMITATING) Thank you, I've had enough.
BRIANh forget it! (STORMS OFF)
JEFFREYIMITATES) Oh forget it!
JEFF:You never know when to stop, do you?
JEFFREYIMITATES) You never know when to stop, do you?
JEFF SMACKS JEFFREY OVER THE HEAD
JEFFREYw!
JEFF:You'll thank me one day.
FADE DOWN. SFX BUSTED: YEAR 3000. FADE UP
Scene 2
A LOCAL CAFÉ. MARY JONES (18) IS SITTING DRINKING A COFFEE AND READING A BOOK. JEFFREY AND JEFF ENTER THE CAFÉ AND SEE HER THERE.
JEFFREY:Well, there she is.
JEFFh yes, in all her finery.
JEFFREY:It's her school uniform, Jeff.
JEFF:Hmmm.
JEFFREY
ervert!
JEFFon't knock it till you've tried it. You're going to have some great memories of her in that school uniform.
JEFFREYhut up you weirdo. So what should I do? I can't just go in there and say, "Oh, hi Mary, you've got beautiful eyes."
JEFF:Why do you want to go out with her in the first place?
JEFFREY:Because… (THEY BOTH LOOK OVER AT MARY) because I love the way she holds her book, (MARY PICKS UP HER COFFEE AND TAKES A SLURP) and the cute way she slurps her coffee, and (MARY BELCHES REALLY LOUDLY AND LETS OUT A BIG FART).
JEFF:Two out of three ain't bad.
JEFFREY:Let's face it, she's the only one who'll have me.
JEFF:Exactly. And that's no basis for a relationship.
JEFFREY:Well it's a start, it's better than nothing. And she's got a great rack, what more do you want?
JEFF:You can't make life-long decisions based on women's breasts. You don't think people are going to vote for Thatcher based on the size of her wobbly mams, do you?
JEFFREY:What a disgusting thought.
JEFF:You wait till she comes out with the Poll Tax.
JEFFREY:Right, I'm going in.
JEFF:Look, she's not right for you, you're better off finding someone else.
JEFFREY:Who?
ADAM (18) ENTERS AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO MARY. THEIR CONVERSATION IS SILENT AS JEFF AND JEFFREY FACE EACH OTHER TO TALK
JEFF:There's got to be lots of sweet girls at your school. How about Jenny Peters? Do you like her?
JEFFREY:Nah.
JEFF:Why not?
JEFFREY:Fried eggs.
JEFFarah Smith.
JEFFREY:Flat as a pancake.
JEFFenny Simpson.
JEFFREY:Microscopic.
JEFF:For goodness' sake! There's more to life than hubbly jubblies.
JEFFREY:Like what?
JEFF:Just stop thinking with that part of your body. When people tell you to think straight, that's not what they mean.
JEFFREY:I'm 18. I'm walking around with the Blackpool Illuminations going off in my underpants and I'm not supposed to do anything about it.
JEFFh that's it, I give up. Go on then, before all the blood drains out of your cranium, you're walking around on three legs and you lose the ability to speak, ask Mary Jones out, see where it gets you. Be miserable for the next 30 years.
ADAM GETS UP AND EXITS, TAKING MARY'S COFFEE CUP WITH HIM. JEFFREY TURNS BACK TO FACE MARY
JEFFREY:No, I can't do it. I'm too nervous. That's it, I'm going to die a virgin.
JEFF:Really? What colour?
JEFFREY:I'm being serious. No-one wants me, no-one ever will.
JEFFo you really think that?
JEFFREY:Yes.
JEFF:Yes, yes of course you do. Look, what you need is confidence. Go in there and talk to her.
JEFFREY:You just told me not to.
JEFF PUSHES JEFFREY OVER TO MARY
JEFFREY:Hi Mary. Errrr… what you reading?
MARYh, hi, Jeffrey. It's The Time Machine by HG Wells, have you read it?
JEFFREY:No.
THERE'S A PREGNANT PAUSE AS NEITHER OF THEM KNOW WHAT TO SAY NEXT. THEN THEY BOTH SPEAK TOGETHER
JEFFREY:What are you doing tomorrow?
MARYid you want to get a coffee?
JEFFREY/MARY: Sorry, you go first. No, you. Ok. (BOTH LAUGH)
JEFFREYo you want to come to the Christmas disco with me tomorrow? You've got beautiful eyes.
MARYh, thanks Jeffrey.
JEFFREY:And fabulous bosoms. Hurrr, not that I want to fondle them. Aaaigh. I mean, I will if you want me to. Nnngg. I do respect you and I'm not just after nookie.
MARY:Jeffrey! I'd love to go to the disco with you.
JEFFREYh great! Brilliant! Thank you so much! I'll pick you up at seven?
MARY:I'd love to go to the disco with you, but Adam just asked me 30 seconds ago. I'm going with him.
ADAM ENTERS WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE
ADAM:All right, Jeffrey?
JEFFREY:Hi Adam. Oh, ok, silly me. I'd better go.
JEFFREY WALKS BACK TO JEFF AND BURSTS INTO TEARS
FADE DOWN. SFX NICK CURTIS: GOODNIGHT SWEETHEART. FADE UP
Scene 3
BRIAN'S FRONT ROOM. JEFF AND BRIAN ARE STANDING UP, TALKING
BRIANo, by having a discussion about the pros and cons of lady love dumplings, you managed to scupper Jeffrey's chances of pulling Mary Jones.
JEFF:Well, that's that. He'll have to find someone else now. (PICKS UP A TUBE OF TIPP-EX) Blimey, Tipp-Ex, remember this? Great for sniffing, rubbish for anything else.
BRIANGRABS THE BOTTLE OF TIPP-EX FROM JEFF) He doesn't want anyone else. And anyway, it's a bit late, the disco's tomorrow night. There's only one thing for it, he'll have to get Mary away from Adam.
JEFF:That's not fair on Adam.
BRIAN: Fair's fair in love, war and the pursuit of humpty dumpty.
JEFFREY ENTERS THE ROOM, LOOKING VERY DOWNCAST. HE FLOPS DOWN ON THE SOFA
JEFF:Well, Jeffrey, do you want to play a game of cards?
JEFFREY GRUNTS HIS DISAPPROVAL IN TYPICAL TEENAGE FASHION
JEFFr watch some telly?
JEFFREY GRUNTS, EVEN MORE ANNOYED
JEFFh get over it, she'll only make you miserable anyway.
JEFFREY GRUNTS A FULL-BLOWN SENTENCE AT JEFF
BRIAN:Jeff, shut up. (TO JEFFREY) What is it son?
JEFFREY:Just wanted to go to the disco with Mary.
BRIAN:Well, you've got to win her back. That's what she wants. You've got to prove you're the big man.
JEFFREY:How do I do that?
BRIAN:It's a disco, isn't it? You've got to show her you're the best dancer there. She won't be able to keep her hands off you.
JEFFREYon't feel like dancing.
BRIAN:Come on, Jeffrey. She's worth it, isn't she?
JEFFREY NODS, THEN STANDS UP. HE DOES SOME DISCO MOVES. HE'S A BRILLIANT DANCER. BRIAN AND JEFF STARE IN AMAZEMENT
BRIAN/JEFFathetic!
JEFFREY:What? No I'm not!
BRIAN:Where did you learn to dance like that?
JEFFREYff a Peggy Spencer Teach Yourself LP I bought at a jumble sale. She was on Blue Peter. I can do the Hitchhike as well. (DOES THE HITCHHIKE BRILLIANTLY)
JEFF:Just stop it. There's only one way to dance. Right, Brian?
BRIAN:Right.
JEFFREY:How's that, then?
JEFF:Brian, if you'd like to accompany me.
BRIAN:Certainly.
BRIAN AND JEFF START DAD-DANCING. THEY'RE AWFUL.
JEFF:That's proper dancing. None of your fancy rubbish.
BRIAN:The dancing we just did is suitable for all environments. Weddings, birthdays, barmitzvahs, funerals… what you just did will make you look a right idiot.
JEFFREY:Right, that's it, I'm not going to the disco. I'd rather stay at home.
JEFF:You're going to that disco, young man, and you're going to pull Mary Jones if it's the last thing you do. Now, show us some moves.
JEFFREY RELUCTANTLY STARTS DAD-DANCING.
JEFF:Now that's more like it.
BRIAN:The seed of my loins is John Travolta.
BRIAN AND JEFF JOIN IN DANCING WITH JEFFREY
FADE DOWN. SFX THE BOOMTOWN RATS: RAT TRAP. FADE UP
Scene 4
THE SCHOOL DISCO. MARY AND ADAM ARE DANCING TOGETHER STAGE RIGHT. JEFFREY, JEFF AND BRIAN ENTER STAGE LEFT
BRIAN:Right, get over there and show her what you're made of.
JEFF:But do some dancing first.
BRIAN:Way-hey.
JEFFREY:I'd really rather not.
JEFF:Go on, faint heart never won fair lady lumps.
JEFFREY TRUDGES OVER AND STARTS DAD-DANCING NEAR ADAM AND MARY. JEFF AND BRIAN WATCH CONSPICUOUSLY
JEFF:Young people do dance funny. I don't remember dancing like that. I can only remember dancing properly.
BRIAN:Well you must have danced like he did, seeing as he is you.
JEFF:I wonder if I could have been a professional dancer.
BRIANaddler's Well's probably not. More like Alan Wells. Or down a well.
JEFFee, it's just that sort of attitude that sapped my confidence in the first place.
BRIANhh! He's going for it.
JEFFREY STARTS DANCING NEAR MARY, EASING HIMSELF CLOSER TO HER. EVENTUALLY HE COMES BETWEEN HER AND ADAM
ADAM:Hey, Jeffrey, what do you think you're doing?
JEFFREY:I'm just dancing.
ADAM:Is that what you call it? Who taught you to dance like that?
JEFFREY:Actually, I taught myself.
ADAM:No kidding. Clear off, will you?
MARY:It's all right, Adam, I'll deal with this.
MARY TAKES JEFFREY TO ONE SIDE
JEFFREY:I just want to dance with you, it's not a crime, is it?
MARY:It is when you dance like that. Look, Jeffrey, you're very sweet and everything, but I'm kind of seeing Adam now.
JEFFREY:You're kind of seeing him? Well, are you seeing him or not?
MARY:Yes.
JEFFREYamn. Well, what's he got that I haven't?
MARY:He's kind, generous, he makes me laugh, he's a good listener, he's very athletic.
JEFFREY:Apart from that?
MARY:He's stylish, well-mannered, respectful…
JEFFREY:Yes, all right.
MARY:Well-read, articulate, he's got a car…
JEFFREY:I'd like to move the conversation on, if I could.
MARY:He's good-looking, confident and he's in a band.
JEFFREYh, he's in a band, is he?
MARY:Yes, Adam And The Elephants, they're ever so good, you should come and see them sometime.
ADAM COMES OVER
JEFFREY:Well, I'd rather kill myself than go and see his poxy band.
ADAM:You talking about me? Don't knock the band, man.
JEFFREY:I will knock your band, actually. What are you called? Adam And The Elephants? More like Adam… and his… wet pants.
ADAM:You're cruising for a bruising, loser boy.
MARY:Will you two just stop it?
ADAM:Keep out of this, Mary, he disrespected the band.
JEFFREY: Don't talk to her like that, wet pants man.
ADAM GRABS JEFFREY BY THE THROAT
ADAM:I find your lack of faith in the band disturbing.
MARY:Adam, stop!
JEFFREYMUFFLED) Yeah, Adam, stop!
BRIANTO JEFF) Look out, he's going to kill him.
JEFF:We can't walk in there and help him out, Jeffrey will never live it down.
BRIAN:Then what can we do?
JEFF:There's only one thing to do. We'll have to create a distraction. Give me that bottle of Tipp-Ex.
CLIFFHANGERCLIFFHANGERCLIFFHANGERCLIFFHANGER
RESOLUTIONRESOLUTIONRESOLUTIONRESOLUTION
BRIAN:What are we going to do?
JEFF:Just do what I do.
JEFF AND BRIAN TURN THEIR BACKS ON THE AUDIENCE
ADAM:Give me one good reason why I shouldn't smash your face in.
JEFFREY:Nnnggggghhgghhhh.
ADAM:Right.
ADAM RAISES HIS FIST, READY TO PUNCH IT DOWN ON JEFFREY. BRIAN AND JEFF TURN AROUND. THEY'VE GOT WHITE TIPP-EX LINES ACROSS THEIR NOSES. THEY DO THE PRINCE CHARMING DANCE AS THEY SING.
JEFF/BRIANrince Charming! Prince Charming! Ridicule is nothing to be scared of.
ADAM:What?
JEFF/BRIANon't you ever, don't you ever, stop being dandy, showing me you're handsome.
ADAM:You're right, I am handsome.
MARY:Adam?
ADAM:And it's so true, ridicule is nothing to be scared of. I've been an idiot, I've forgotten about the real things in life.
MARY:Like love?
ADAM:Hmmm? Oh God no. Like me and the band. It doesn't matter that an insignificant little twerp like Jeffers there disrespected the band. I'm the lead singer in a pop group. That means more than anything.
MARY:Well, thank you very much!
ADAM:Come off it, Mary, it wasn't going to work. I could have any girl around here. Like I said, I'm in a band, and I'm really cool.
JEFFREY:You'll pay for that.
JEFFREY SWINGS AT ADAM, WHO JUST STEPS OUT OF THE WAY. JEFFREY SWINGS ROUND AND CLOUTS MARY IN THE FACE
JEFFREYops. Sorry, Mary.
MARYHOLDS HER NOSE) I'm bleeding.
ADAMTO JEFF AND BRIAN) Thanks guys, great philosophy. Shame about the God awful song, the stupid dance and the Tipp-Ex.
JEFFo it's not the new sound you've been after?
ADAM:No, it was utter rubbish. See ya.
BRIAN:Well done, son. You risked your own safety for the wellbeing of your young lady. She'll be proud of you.
JEFF:If she can see straight.
JEFFREY:You ok, Mary?
MARY:Get some ice.
FADE DOWN. SFX: HUEY LEWIS: THE POWER OF LOVE. FADE UP
BRIAN'S FRONT ROOM. BRIAN AND JEFF ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA WATCHING TV
BRIAN: And in 2009, that's the best show on the telly?
JEFF:It's not the same Battlestar Galactica…
BRIAN:I should hope not.
JEFF:Where d'you say Jeffrey was?
BRIAN:He's gone to the theatre.
JEFFh, good, culture at last.
BRIAN:Hardly, it's where Mary's having the operation to re-shape her nose.
JEFF:You must admit, it was a classic right hook.
BRIAN:How's things coming with the time machine?
JEFF:Well, I've got to repair the flux capacitor before I can either complete the ontological paradox and disprove the Vinod Kotiya theory of time travel and, in so doing, also break the Novikov self-consistency principle, or, as Deutsch has proposed – complicit with multiverse theory – whether I have actually entered a different universe to the one I had originally left and that the intervention into the causality is, in effect, fruitless.
BRIAN STARES AT JEFF
BRIANIMITATES JEFF) Well, I've got to repair the flux capacitor before I can either complete the ontological paradox and disprove the Vinod Kotiya theory of time travel and, in so doing, also break the Novikov self-consistency principle, or, as Deutsch has proposed – complicit with multiverse theory – whether I have actually entered a different universe to the one I had originally left and that the intervention into the causality is, in effect, fruitless.
JEFF:Well now you're just being stupid.
SFX: CHER: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. FADE DOWN
END OF EPISODE
