Ronnie Anderson's Sitcom Trials 2009 reject Page 2

I was considering using my plot idea but trying to open it out so it was inolving personal life. One idea I had is that Mark and Jon try to get Campbell off the wagon. Also I had an idea that his ex wife might turn up and they could be trying to get her to convince him to give up law. I guess I will have to write these eps to see if this wokrs because I agree sometimes being stuck too much with the details of someone else job can get quite boring but I quite like having a repeatable dynamic like they do in Yes Minister.

Yes there should be a repeatable dynamic, that's what I meant by the engine that drives the show but it absolutely shouldn't be a plot based repeatable dynamic in my opinion, which could of course be totally wrong.

Yes I have actually given it some thought and realise the difference, so a huge thank you for this. I am going to try to tweak the dynamic to ensure that it is character driven.

Hi Ronnie

I'm neither a lawyer, Scientologist, nor alcohol - hic!

I agree with much that has already been said re. editing and 'mistakes' but overall I enjoyed it and I think it has great potential. Some great lines in there – for example:

"Stan was like a second father to me. Well, he didn't beat my mum but apart from that."

"I'm not working with George Best's love-child."

I particularly enjoyed the following exchange between Campbell and Mark, which I took the liberty of editing after a re-read - hope that's ok!

________________________________________________________________________________

MARK:
Look, it's not your fault. You must have been through a lot.

DURING CAMPBELL'S FOLLOWING DIALOGUE, HE IS SO CONSUMED WITH HIS SUBJECT THAT HE IS OBLIVIOUS TO MARK'S COMMENTS

CAMPBELL:
Aye. My marriage break-up was the worst. We'd not had sex for a year.

MARK:
Have you considered another career?

CAMPBELL:
Her excuse was that she was on the change...

MARK:
You could be a chef.

CAMPBELL:
On the change, my arse - she was only twenty seven.

MARK:
How about a carpenter?

CAMPBELL:
She worshipped Johnny Depp - so I thought I could pretend to be him... (RUBBING HIS CHIN, HE THINKS ABOUT IT)

MARK:
Or a cab driver - you're taking the long way round at the ---

CAMPBELL:
(INTERRUPTING) --- but I could never be Johnny Depp, 'cos like you, I'm an ugly bastard.

MARK:
(GIVES UP) Ah, right - the scenic route.

CAMPBELL:
Then, I remembered Johnny Depp was Edward Scissorhands. So, I get a black wig, paint my face white, shove garden sheers up my sleeves, come home late - sneak up to the bedroom while she's asleep and whisper in her ear, (American accent) 'I've got scissors for hands and I'm going to f**k you!' (NORMAL VOICE) She screams and I'm like - 'it's me. It's meeee!'. Then this massive guy - a cross between Johnny Depp and Arnold Schwarzenegger, jumps bollock-naked out of the wardrobe - I'm too scared to hit him, so I resort to ---

MARK:
(FIRMLY) Could you perhaps ---?

CAMPBELL:
(SCREAMING) --- I've got scissors for hands - what have you ever done?' Suddenly he whips the garden sheers off me – I look him straight in the eye...(CAMPBELL POINTS AT MARK AND SCREAMS) Okay, so you've taken my scissor-hands – and my wife - but I'll be back --- (A DEEP BREATH, THEN CAMPBELL'S SCREAM REACHES A CRESCENDO) --- to take your life!

MARK IS SHAKEN. CAMPBELL NOTICES THIS AND RELAXES.

CAMPBELL:
Sorry pal. Where were we?

________________________________________________________________________________

Thanks Morace for taking the time to read it. Yes, I guess I need to get the research going. Thanks for the editing. I will definitely use the like you I'm an ugly bastard as I think it would be pretty obvious that he'd say it really innocently.

CAMPBELL
My name's Campbell Reed and I'm an alcoholic.

PAM
Are you serious?

CAMPBELL
Deal with it. Because I've got to.
(Angry)
Everyday of my life.

Made me laugh out loud (and I'm not sure why). There was a particularly unfunny sitcom with Stephen Mangan about alcoholics (please don't tell me the title, I don't care) which wasn't a patch on this. Like everybody I went for the Campbell character and the scissorhands moment. Can't see the other characters clearly. Yet. It's obvious how everybody relates to Campbell, but not clear to me yet how they relate to each other. I felt you should either really exploit the scientology aspect or drop it as it feels tacked on at the moment. Is there a cult that's about abstinence and keeping control? That would give you conflict. Just a thought.

Thanks Andrea for taking the time to read my stuff and for your useful critque. It is quite difficult to sometimes know what oppinions to take on board but the brilliance of the BCG critique is that if everyone is saying the same thing such as the other two characters need strengthening then clearly this is something I HAVE to do. And also I need to sort out the scientology business. The scientology bit in there to show the guy trying to be trendy, and if I am honesy I didn't put a lot of thought into it beyond mentioning a few times. So I think some reseatch is in order, I might even become one. I sometimes go past their base in Manchester.

Quote: Andrea Waters @ September 23 2009, 10:20 AM BST

CAMPBELL
Is there a cult that's about abstinence and keeping control?

View original

Would that be pretty much all of the major religions?