Ronnie Anderson's Sitcom Trials 2009 reject

Hi guys I have been inspired by Adam Blaize to put my rejected sitcom trials entry up for critique/ slating. It was my first attempt at writing a broad sitcom with a proper plot so any feedback would be much appreciated. In particular I was pleased to see the more expert and funnier BCGers Marc P and Renegade giving comment and hope they may pass obsevation on mine.

HALF FULL

INT.OFFICE.DAY

Small lawyer's office. At his desk is MARK, late thirties, posh, perma-tanned, tries to move with air of authority but fails. He looks at his watch. JON, trendy suit and hair style, late twenties, estuary accent, is sat next to him.

MARK
The new boy's nineteen minutes late.
You know, he's not worked as a lawyer for three years. Why is Stan even employing him?

JON
He was Stan's protege, wasn't he? Actually, I reckon he'll be brilliant.

MARK
Why are you so happy.

JON
You know the TV guy from my Scientology class.

MARK
Yes?

JON
His wife tried to kill him?

MARK
Yes! You're representing him.

JON
She tried stabbing him in his sleep. I was made up.

MARK
See? The new guy won't be able to take the pace. We're in at the deep. You're representing the TV star.

JON
And yesterday you got a guy off a parking fine.

MARK
Exactly. We should choose who we employ. Stan's retired. He only owns the company. What right has he got?

JON (SARCASTIC)
Good point.
(Normal)
I just hope he's a tough bastard.

Jon leaves. Enter CAMPBELL, mid-thirties, Scottish, scruffy suit, nervous. He stumbles but manages to keep his balance.

CAMPBELL
Hi. I'm...
(Chanting to himself)
Club Tropicana, drinks are free,
Fun and sunshine - there's enough for everyone.
(To Mark)
Campbell Reed.

MARK
Are you okay?

CAMPBELL
Yeah, it's a thing I do when...

MARK
Are you the man who set himself on fire in Tie Rack?

CAMPBELL
I'm starting here today...
(Chanting to himself)
Karma karma, karma chameleon. You come and go. You come and go.
(To Mark)
I used to work with Stan.

MARK
That's you?

CAMPBELL
Aye. Stan was like a second father to me. Well, he didn't beat my mum but apart from that. Sorry, I'm late.

MARK
That's okay, because alarm clocks haven't been invented yet.

CAMPBELL
They have, mate. How would you know they were called alarm clocks if they didn't exist? It's quite simple if you think about it.

MARK
Your client's waiting for you.

CAMPBELL
Have you seen the papers, mate? Full of the cricket. Do you like cricket?

MARK
No. We best go in the meeting.

CAMPBELL
Sorry pal, I was trying strike a bond with you.

MARK
Okay. My colleague Jon and I will be present in the meeting in-

CAMPBELL (BANTEROUS)
Why have you got that stupid quiff?
How old are you? Fifty and you're dressing like you're in Westlife.

MARK
I was thirty nine in April.

CAMPBELL (BANTEROUS)
Look, you've got a dictionary. How thick are you? Do you're kids have to read
you a bedtime story?
Or do you not have kids? Jaffa.

MARK
That's hurtful. I'm on IVF.

CAMPBELL
So sorry, pal. I was trying to banter with you. I'm doing alright, aren't I?

MARK
Yes. This client tends to debate the legal fee. All you need to do is argue-

CAMPBELL
I don't like arguing.

MARK
You're a lawyer.

CAMPBELL
My strength is my morality and natural sense of justice.

Pause. Mark laughs.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
Honesty is what being a lawyer is all about.

Mark realizes Campbell is serious. Enter Jon.

MARK
I just remembered, your client got tired of waiting and left.

JON
She hasn't. She's waiting for you.

Mark looks annoyed. Jon is confused.

CAMPBELL
Hi. I'm Campbell Reed.

Jon shakes Campbell's hand.

JON
Pleased to meet you. Jon Handley.

Jon picks up a hole punch.

JON (CONT'D)
I'm just getting my gold hole punch, it cost a grand. Custom made.

CAMPBELL
Was that from Stationary Box?

JON
No. I bet Mark's told you that I've got a meeting with Malcolm Doyle this afternoon. I met him at my Scientology class. You know who I mean, the millionaire businessman who shouts at people on TV?

CAMPBELL
No, I don't like TV. I had a panic attack watching the final of robot wars.

Campbell puts his brief case on the floor and opens it.

JON
It's alright. We've got pens.

CAMPBELL
I'm just getting my lucky troll.

JON
Shit.

Jon and Mark exchange looks.

CAMPBELL
This is Rehab Ronnie by the way.

JON
Just be tough with this one, yeah? She's a robbing bitch.

MARK (TO CAMPBELL)
In your pocket.

Campbell puts Rehab Ronnie in his pocket. All three exit.

INT.MEETING ROOM.DAY

Pam, mid-forties, non-nonsense headmistress type. Enter Campbell, Mark and Jon. Campbell shakes Pam's hand.

PAM
So. You're my new lawyer?

CAMPBELL
Sorry I'm late. Nice to meet you. So, going anywhere nice on holiday?

PAM
Crete. I want to discuss my legal fee.

CAMPBELL
I always find it best to, you know, have a chat, put the client at ease.

PAM
It's costing me a hundred pounds.

CAMPBELL
Have you seen the papers? Full of the cricket.

PAM (TO MARK)
Am I paying for this?

CAMPBELL
I don't like cricket. When I was six, my neighbor threw a cricket stump at the spoke of my bike wheel and I fell and skimmed my elbow.

PAM
Is this costing me?

MARK
Yes. Your fee is charged from the moment the lawyer enters the room.

PAM
The amount I'm paying for your time is frankly extortionate.

CAMPBELL
You've got a point there. If I wasn't here I'd just be playing guitar hero.

Jon looks annoyed.

CAMPBELL (TO JON) (CONT'D)
Sorry mate. I forgot- be tough, she's a robbing bitch.
(To Pam)
Sorry, I didn't mean...

PAM
What?

CAMPBELL
Erm...The company policy states...
(reading from form)
Regardless of the advice being sought...
(breathless)
There is a...standard...fee. Sorry.

Campbell swallows then has a long intake of breath.

CAMPBELL (CHANTING) (CONT'D)
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand.
(reading from form)
Of eighty five pounds per hour, however this may increase depending on the nature of advice.

PAM
There's something strange going on. How come I've been given you?

JON
Mrs Rhodes, he's a perfectly normal-

Campbell raises his hand. They look at him, confused.

CAMPBELL
My name's Campbell Reed and I'm an alcoholic.

PAM
Are you serious?

CAMPBELL
Deal with it. Because I've got to.
(Angry)
Everyday of my life.

PAM
You call yourself a professional?

Pam walks to the door.

MARK
Don't go. I'll represent you.

JON
Maybe I could...
(whispers to Pam)
He's an alci as well.

MARK
I'm not an alcoholic.

JON
At the Christmas party you ended up trying to hot-wire a Mazda.
(To Pam)
He's a mess.

CAMPBELL (TO MARK)
If you ever want to talk.

MARK
Jesus.

CAMPBELL
Mrs Rhodes, I'm a talented human being capable of achieving anything I set my mind to.

Pam walks back to the table.

PAM
How can you be sure?

CAMPBELL
Coz that's what I wrote in my dear john letter to Carlsberg Export.

Pam leaves.

INT.OFFICE.DAY

Mark is on the phone. Jon is at his desk.

MARK
He's a useless drunk...I don't care if you're my boss, I'm not going to apologize...sorry. Bye.

Mark puts the phone down.

MARK (CONT'D)
What are we going to do.

JON
I'll sort it. I'll get him pissed.

MARK
How's that going to solve anything?

JON
I'll make sure he does something crazy like give his credit card to a tramp or take a shit in Sainsbury's. He'll get freaked out and take a year off.

MARK
But he'll only come back. No, I'll have to talk to him.

JON
Well, don't mess it up. I'm not working with George Best's lovechild.

Enter Campbell. Jon shakes his hand.

JON (CONT'D)
Hiya mate, it's great to see you.

CAMPBELL
Thanks mate. That means a lot.

JON
Hey, what was quoting Duran Duran lyrics all about?

CAMPBELL
It's something I do to keep calm. Gavin at AA always uses it in high pressure situations. He's still not got for a job.

JON
At our Scientology classes they say-

Mark tuts.

JON (CONT'D)
Going in the fetal position can bring the back calmness of being in the wound.

CAMPBELL (LAUGHS)
You're mad you are.

Jon exits to the meeting room.

MARK
Campbell, can I be honest with you?

CAMPBELL
Are you an alcoholic?

MARK
No! I think maybe you should accept you'll never be the man you were.

CAMPBELL
Appreciate the honesty. You're a diamond, you. An absolute gemstone.

MARK
I only want to help. There's probably brain cells that have rotted. You'll never be a good lawyer.

CAMPBELL
Well...You might have a point.

MARK
Have you considered another career? Look, it's not your fault. You must have been through a lot.

CAMPBELL
Aye. My marriage breaking up was the worst. We'd not had sex for a year.

MARK
You could be a chef.

CAMPBELL
She said it's coz she was on the change but thinking about it she was only twenty seven.

MARK
A joiner.

CAMPBELL
She liked Johnny Depp and I thought if I pretended to be him then it might get ball rolling.

MARK
A bus driver. You sound like one.

CAMPBELL
The problem is. I'm never going to be Johnny Depp. Coz lets face it me and you, we're both ugly looking guys.

MARK
Can we just get back to the subject of-

CAMPBELL
Then, I remembered Johnny Depp was Edward Scissorhands. So, I get a black wig, paint my face white and shove some garden sheers up my sleeves. I come home late, go up to the bedroom. She's asleep and I say-
(American accent)
I've got scissors for hands and I'm going to f**k you.
(Normal)
She starts screaming and I'm like 'it's me. It's me'. Then this big guy comes in and he's naked but I'm too scared to hit him.

MARK
Could you perhaps-

CAMPBELL (SCREAMING)
I've got scissors for hands what you have ever done? And they look at eachother, like they're in love. Then he takes the garden sheers off me.
(Campbell points at Mark)
Give them back you f**ker, give me back my hands. Okay, take my hands. But I'll get you. I'll get you.

Mark is shaken. Campbell notices.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
Sorry pal. Where were we?

MARK (SHEEPISH)
You were thinking about leaving.

CAMPBELL
You're right. I can't go on like this.

MARK
I'll get your P45.

CAMPBELL
I can't look back. From now on I'm going to be a great lawyer.

MARK
But this morning-

CAMPBELL
I'm gonna get back in the saddle. How about if I see the guy from TV.

Enter Jon.

JON
You can't. He's my client.

CAMPBELL
Is it okay if I run it past Stan?

Campbell takes his mobile phone out and walks to the door.

JON (DESPERATE)
Do you fancy a pint?

Campbell leaves.

JON (CONT'D)
Congratulations. We're going to lose our biggest client now.

MARK
There's only so many erotic tales involving Edward Scissorhands you can hear without getting scared.

JON
We'll both be in the dole queue soon.
He's not even seen him on the telly.

Silence.

JON (CONT'D)
I know. We'll let him take the meeting and lose Doyle as a client. Then he'll definitely get fired.

MARK
Yes! I was going to think of that.

Jon picks up a file and writes in it.

JON
I'm only doing this for the good of the company. I'm a nice guy, yeah. I'm a Scientologist, for God's sake.

MARK
What are you doing?

JON
Doyle won't be happy if his lawyer has a slightly inaccurate view on his legal history.

Enter Campbell.

CAMPBELL
He says I should discuss it with you two.

MARK
Well, it's decided. You're doing it.

CAMPBELL
That's marvellous. Thanks brothers.

JON
Now, let us fill you in on the case.

Jon puts his arm around Campbell and leads him to a desk.

PART 2- INT.MEETING ROOM.DAY

Campbell is sat at the table, nervous. He takes the troll out of his pocket. He puts it on the table. After a moment's thought he puts it back in his pocket.

CAMPBELL
Come on Campbell. Calm.

He stands up then sits down and thinks for a moment. He then gets into the fetal position for a few seconds. He stands up then goes back into the fetal position.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
(Chanting to himself)
You were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar. When I met you. Don't you want me baby?

Enter Malcolm Doyle, mid-fifties, sun-tanned, oozes authority, broad Mancunian accent. He stares at Campbell.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
(Chanting to himself)
Don't you want me? Don't you want me?

Campbell notices Malcolm and gets up to greet him.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
Alright? I'm Campbell, your new brief.

MALCOLM
Good start.
As they sit down Campbell appears unsure what to say.

CAMPBELL
Nice tan.

MALCOLM
I've just got back.

CAMPBELL
So I've been told. I didn't know they let you sunbathe.

MALCOLM
What?

CAMPBELL
I just want to say, that whatever you've done, I admire how you've fought your drug problem. I'm an alcoholic myself.

Malcolm stares at Campbell.

MALCOLM
The court case. I think we should first of all prove my wife had a motive to kill me. She'd already vandalised one of my sailboats. What do you think?

CAMPBELL
I think you should plead guilty to murder.

MALCOLM
Why?

CAMPBELL
Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

Silence.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
I don't know when the incident with the rent boys occurred.

MALCOLM
What rent boys?

CAMPBELL
Why were you dressed as Ronald McDonald when they arrested you?

Malcolm grabs Campbell by the throat.

MALCOLM
I've never committed a crime in my life.

CAMPBELL
You don't want to be done for GBH. Again.

Malcolm hits Campbell.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
Think how good it'll be to clear your conscience. It's a difficult path. But I'm going to help you walk it. If you let me.

Malcolm goes to hit Campbell but then thinks for a moment.

INT.OFFICE.DAY

Mark is sat at his desk reading a newspaper. Enter Jon, he has a newspaper and throws it at a wall.

MARK
You wanted publicity.

Enter Campbell.

CAMPBELL
How's it going, brothers?

JON
Twat.

CAMPBELL
It was quite a unique case.

JON
He went to court to prosecute and ended up getting five years.

CAMPBELL
That was disappointing. I thought they'd give him community service.

JON
He confessed to eight counts of fraud.

CAMPBELL
There was a speeding offence I told him to admit to, but he said the fraud was enough. I think it gave him closure.

MARK
Don't get angry Jon. He's come to clear his desk.

CAMPBELL
No, I haven't. Stan said the TV coverage meant was I too high profile to sack.

JON
You're too high profile?

CAMPBELL
I'm sensing negative energy. If you have a problem with me I think it's best I know now.

Jon tries to calm himself.

CAMPBELL (CONT'D)
I know I've got an annoying whistle.

Jon jumps on Campbell. Mark tries to drag him off.

Hi Ronnie,

Aside from a couple of weak punchlines, this was very good indeed. The character of Campbell is great and bounces off well with Jon and Mark.

I really like your writing style as well. Simple, to the point, minimal and naturalistic dialogue.

Nice work.

Will have to get back to you on this one tommorrow Ronnie as am off to the pub for an important meeting!

Hi Ronnie, admittedly I haven't read 'bumboy' and the other 19, but you was robbed! This is excellent, I would totally watch this if it was on telly. I thought all three characters were great but as above particularly liked Campbell, sort of a younger Scottish Dylan Moran but unique on his own too. Well done, I'm quite green(with envy not just environmentally friendly). Best wishes with it.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ September 21 2009, 5:02 PM BST

Hi Ronnie,

Aside from a couple of weak punchlines, this was very good indeed. The character of Campbell is great and bounces off well with Jon and Mark.

I really like your writing style as well. Simple, to the point, minimal and naturalistic dialogue.

Nice work.

View original

Thanks for this, really appreciate it. The big worry I had was gags as I feel I am better at writing dialogue but not very good with more convnetional gags etc.,, and I was trying to get some in here as practise and also because I think that lines that are more obviously jokes might be more suitable for the sitcom trials. I am guessin one of the week punchlines is the dear john letter bit.
Anyway, I know you've had some success with the sitcom trials and if you have any advice of how I could make it more sitcom trials friendly it would be much appreciated.

Marc I look forward to your comments.

I will admit that the first time I read this I got a little confused following the story (just me being a little slow), but on the second read it all fell into place. Good, simple dialogue, within a setting that has the potential to carry on. To mirror the other comments, the character of Campbell steals the show.

The first thing that struck me was some very heavy handed exposition at the outset; the second was that the script has no grounding in reality. There is no suggestion of any familiarity with the legal profession, even the basic distinction between solicitors and barristers. You could argue that in a big silly sitcom this is unimportant, but even something like Father Ted creates its own alternate reality grounded in affectionate parody. A bit of basic research might have lent at least some superficial credibility.

There are a lot of laughs to be had from Scientology - basically you just have to quote them - but nothing came out really in the script; and I did not see how it related to Jon's character, which to be honest I did not really get.

In my job I have had to deal with a few lawyers with drink problems, but none of them were actually quite as bonkers as Campbell. Alcoholism is a sensitive subject, which does not mean it is not suitable for sitcom, but, particularly when it is the engine of so much of the comedy, it is a case of handle with care. On the whole you have made the character engaging, but it should be possible to still get laughs without making him quite so hatstand.

I agree with the bit about the research bit and was in truth waiting someone to point this out. In general if I write something which I have little epxeirence of such as being a lawyer I write the thing first and establish character, relationships etc.. then do the research and in this instance I didn't leave myself enough time for the research and I guess the script suffers as a result.
Similarly I had done little research into Scientology, however, Jon was meant to a trendy poser who dreamed being a lawyer might elveate him to celebirty status one day and so jumped on the bandwagon of scientology.
Though your suggestion of quoting them is actually really helpful so thanks.

I honestly think there is not a single subject that can't be used in comedy. I know this may in some cases alienate people but in general I think people are quite happy to accept that most comedy which deals with serious subjects is not being derogatory to it. I admit I find some recovering alcohlics really funny but also loveable and so felt inspired to write about one.

Hi Ronnie,

Like Timbo, I was rather put off by some of the mistakes. A guy saying he's on IVF? A Scientology class? These didn't sound right and distracted me rather. There are some inspired bits (Edward Scissor-hands, for example) but too much of it (like the 80's song chants) for me felt a bit self-conciously odd-ball. On the plus side you have a good ear for dialogue and there is a really good start here.

Thanks ponderer for reading my work and for your assesment and congratulations on getting through.

Hi Ronnie as a man of my word...

I like the use of 80's songs as a mantra, it worked well. I like Campbell's forced attempts at banter, but as has been mentioned the latter part involving IVF didn't work.
The line: from Mark: 'That's hurtful. I've had IVF' sounds like a bit of a pathetic response as well, pathetic in respect of it making him sound feeble, when I don't think that's how you've intended the character in the rest of the script.
I think it would go best unsaid, rather than attributing a contrived name to the doll 'Rehab Ronnie' the scene could involve some funny acting maybe if Campbell strokes its hair and takes some deep breaths in, making it seem more alarming. I quite liked Campbell's non-sequiturs 'Have you seen the papers? Full of cricket' and on meeting his client 'So going anywhere nice on holiday', they add to the audiences awareness of him being out of his depth.
'If I wasn't here I'd playing guitar hero' doesn't seem 'off-the-wall' enough for the character you've painted up to that point, maybe I've read the character incorrectly but I think you could think up something funnier that he could be doing.
Yeah, the Carlsberg bit didn't sit well.
'I'll make sure he does something crazy like give his credit card to a tramp or take a shit in Sainsbury's. He'll get freaked out and take a year off.' These lack imagination for me, I'm sure there are alternative ways that he would have to take time off work that would be funnier, something involving alcohol perhaps to keep things to Campbell's primary character weakness (You know what I mean?).
Scientology classes? As previously mentioned by others.
The Edward Scissorhands part stood out as a point where you might get some good audience laughs.
This might just be me but I'm not sure about the 'violence' towards Campbell in the meeting with Malcolm and at the very end works, he seems like such an ineffectual mess of a human being that people would be more exasperated with him rather than want to exact violence upon him for messing up. But all in all a good script Ronnie, I'd say polish it up, don't abandon the central idea, maybe give some more definition to Mark and Jon as the counter-characters to Campbell's madness. The Campbell character is very much the centre of attention, but like in Black Books (with people having seen some similarity to Bernard) Fran and Mannie were funny characters in their own right and a fully functioning sitcom needs to have all of its parts offering something different to the piece but united in some way or another (or is this just bullshit?). Follow all (that's all!) of my tips and sitcom gold will come your way! Good luck Ronnie. (Sorry about the haphazard nature of my critique I was just jotting things down in a word doc as I was reading your script).

Cheers Adam/Giggle-O. Some useful tips here that I shall take on board. I agree with the IVF bit. I was getting a bit worried about the gag count so put it in which though I guess in general it is better to put no gag rather than a weak one which doesn't say a lot.

Hi Ronnie I did enjoy reading this and agree with points raised earlier. In my humble opinion it needs a right good editing, banter back and forth after a while with no story developing gets a bit tiring to read. I liked the Campbell character but I think you need to get a proper plot in there somewhere. As it is it's all about set up and introducing the show, and the first chunck of it is very expositional in this regard, people talking about stuff they all ready know for the benefit of explaining things to the audience.

I also think you needed to have them doing something rather than just sitting at a desk. This may sound crazy but maybe forget the legal stuff and just focus on their characters, a sitcom about a bunch of useless lawyers being useless at law all the time again would get a bit tiring. Have a look at Boston Legal and how they weave personal stories in and around funny legal stuff (one of my favourite shows so unfair to compare). As I say Campbell is the only one really doing this here and it is all recounted, him telling the edward scissors hand stuff - which is very funny but not so much if it is done anecdotally. Show don't tell is the old cliche, but it is true.

Well done for posting it up and putting yourself up for people to say why it didn't get through. And I wouldn't worry too much about not getting through I am sure it is not a quality issue, which as others have pointed out probaly hasmore to do with subjective ananalysis than objective - there will have been all sorts of factors as to why some were picked and some weren't, not all of them to do with how funny or not they were.

Thanks for your critique Marc. I really appreciate you taking the time out. I was using the sitcom trials in order to write something with a plot as all of my other bits have been too inspired by the Royle Family and are just people chatting, so I will definitely make an effort to get more of a plot in there.

I agree that the other two characters need work. For each episode I want to recylce the plot idea of Mark and Jon trying to get Campbell sacked and him somehow managing to survive. Becuase of this I was trying to ensure that Campbell is the 'goody' and the stronger character as I wanted everyone to be strongly behind him (probably like the lead character in bumboy). Thanks once again, you were one of the people I was really hoping would give me some feedback so I am v. grateful.

Quote: Ronnie Anderson @ September 22 2009, 11:14 AM BST

I agree that the other two characters need work. For each episode I want to recylce the plot idea of Mark and Jon trying to get Campbell sacked and him somehow managing to survive.

View original

No worries Ronnie. I would rethink this as the engine of the show though as I don't think it would give enough depth or indeed legs. Maybe try writing a second ep where the plot, although set in the workplace, is more to do with their personal lives and interrelationships with each other and see where that takes you. Think about the Office - the comedy isn't coming from what they 'do' in terms of work at all. Try and get it more character based, plot wise, and see where that takes you and then come back to the pilot.