MEANWHILE, IN A GREASY SPOON CAFE IN WATFORD...
Let's write the worst sitcom ever! Page 2
...SOOTYJ IS SITTING READ PAGE 84 OF 'THE GUARDIAN'
SOOTYJ
(EVILLY RUBS HANDS TOGETHER) Now *that* is topical! Mwahahaha! If people don't laugh, I shall torture the two cutest possible hostages it's ever been possible to hostage.
CAMERA CUTS TO SCATTERBRAINED FLOOZY AND PHQNIX TIED UP IN THE CORNER
CROWD:
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
SOOTYJ:
Now, to work. (PICKS UP PEN) Something that links that story to bricks and a band...
(CHEWS PEN)
FADE OUT
Quote: Tuumble @ September 21 2009, 4:19 PM BSTMEANWHILE, IN A GREASY SPOON CAFE IN WATFORD...
A young lemon asks his father what he'll be when he grows up.
Tummble: Lemonade son, lemonade.
(A poignant moment follows as they both cry lemonade tears).
(Then Renegade enters cafe in his famous Matrix coat and flashes them both)
SOOTYJ, SCATS AND PHQNIX ENTER THE BCG HEADQUARTERS DRESSED IN BERETS, CHE GUEVARA T-SHIRTS AND BRANDISHING AK-47s.
SOOTYJ:
Don't move capitalist pig dogs! We've come to seize your nuclear shelters and comedy DVDs!
SCATS AND PHQNIX:
Viva la revolution!
AARON:
Oh no guys! Scats and Phqnix have been brainwashed into becoming left wing terrorists and are threatening our freedoms.
LEEVIL:
Don't worry Aaron, there's a surefire way to bring them back to reality...Nil? Hit it.
NIL AND LEEVIL BURST INTO SONG, EVERYONE BECOMES CARTOON CHARACTERS WITH LOTS OF LAVA LAMP AND GIANT FLOATING HEART EFFECTS IN THE BACKGROUND.
DON RUSHMORE IS WALKING PAST THE BCG HQ.
DON RUSHMORE:
Hey! What's that groovy sound I hear?
SCENE 3
SWERYTD, JANE P, AARON AND MARC P GET OFF THE TIME WALKER'S SPACESHIP IN FRONT OF DOLLY'S HOUSE.
JANE P:
My goodness! It's *enormous*!
MARC P:
(WINKS) Enorm-house!
AUDIENCE APPLAUD.
SWERYTD:
Let's go and get these bricks...
THEY WALK UP TO THE FRONT DOOR. JUST WHEN YOU THINK THEY'VE GOT THERE, THEY KEEP WALKING. AND THEN SOME. AND THEN SOME MORE. DOLLY'S HOUSE IS NOT ONLY ENORMOUS, BUT ALSO BUILT ENTIRELY TO THE WRONG PERSPECTIVE. THEY STAND AT A FRONT DOOR, 453 FEET HIGH.
KNOCK.
AFTER 57 MINUTES, DOLLY EVENTUALLY ANSWERS.
DOLLY:
Ah, you must be here for the bricks. Now, Steve--
SWERYTD:
Dan.
DOLLY:
Dan -- you go and get some of the bricks. And, you Ben--
JANE P:
Jane.
DOLLY:
Yes, of course, Jane. You'll have to move the old rock band that are practicing there. Those bricks are heavy, so watch yourselves when lifting. (BEAT, LOOKS AT MARC P) Or punning.
AARON:
It's okay, I've just come up with some BB code tags that'll make them a lot easier to lift.
THE TIME WALKER:
(BREATHING THROUGH HIS HELMET LIKE DARTH VADAR) Now, if only we had some sort of pseudo-topical story to exposite this further.
SWERYTD:
Do you want one of these 'Tunes'? They help you breathe more easily.
THE TIME WALKER COUGHS ASTHMATICALLY.
THE TIME WALKER:
Yes, that would be handy. Thank you. This bloody helmet's *boiling*!
I'm reading this with great interest...continue...
DANNYJB WALKS BACK TO THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE AND PUTS HIS THUMBS UP LIKE THE FONZ AGAIN
DANNYJB:
Ey-yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
AUDIENCE GO WILD
DANNYJB CARRIES ON WALKING AND EXITS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE
Crowd boo as they are shown flashbacks of previous episodes instead of a new one.
Ruby: Get on with it or I'll post on the BCG about how crap this is and bring your show down!
cut to:
Quote: swerytd @ September 21 2009, 4:39 PM BSTTHE
SWERYTD:
Do you want one of these 'Tunes'? They help you breathe more easily.THE TIME WALKER COUGHS ASTHMATICALLY.
THE TIME WALKER:
Yes, that would be handy. Thank you. This bloody helmet's *boiling*!
ScottiD: You can get ointment for that.
SECTIONS OF CROWD WEARING SCOTTIDOG TSHIRTS ERUPT WITH LAUGHTER. SCOTTI WINKS AT THEM BUT IS KICKED OFF STAGE BY A JEALOUS SWERTYD
JaneP: Hmmm Bricks, Space Travel, Satire, Bands how can we link them all?
*JaneP watches old Lost episodes - series two onwards*
JaneP: Oh my God - Bill Will had a secret code all along - I've just discovered it and now I know the secrets of the universe. Arghh - I'm blind! I'm blind!
CUT TO:
BACK GARDEN. JANE IS CHATTING TO A PISSED OFF LOOKING BAND. THEY ALL DRESS LIKE DAVID BUSSELL, HAVE IMMACULATELY-CONDITIONED HAIR AND ARE WEARING T-SHIRTS SAYING 'WHACK TALK!'.
SHE WANDERS OFF AND FALLS IN A HOLE, ON ACCOUNT OF HER NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE (spot the late edit)
AARON IS HOLDING A LARGE [/not-so-heavy] TAG BY THE RIGHT OF THE BRICKS. SWERYTD PICKS UP THE BRICKS.
SWERYTD:
Bloody hell! You're right! They're as light as a feather! I never could of lifted them before.
AARON'S FACE GOES PALE AND HIS FISTS CLENCH. JANE P CLIMBS OUT OF THE HOLE, FOR THE PURPOSES OF CONTINUITY.
MARC P:
(WINKS) Featherweight!
EVERYONE STARES AT MARC P.
JANE P:
What exactly do you do?
MARC P PUTS HANDS IN POCKETS, LOOKS AT THE GROUND AND MUMBLES SOMETHING.
As viewing figures plummet the show enters it's OC phase in a late bid to attract teen viewers Scats and Phoenix.
JaneP: I don't know what RC put in my eyes but it seems to have done the trick. Come on Whack Talk get those shirts off and head to the beach for an impromptu BBQ charity gig for the local hospice.
(Crowd Cheer)
Swerytd: Sorry to rain on your idea but this is Brighton - there's no sand to roll in and local authority regulations restrict the use of bbqs.
(Crowd Boo and throw their complimentary peanuts at Swerytd)
Scats: I prefer Peep Show.
Phoenix: Yep, yep, yep.
Madonna tries to adopt them both but has to fight off several BCGers in the process.
Quote: Jane P @ September 21 2009, 3:42 PM BSTForget writing properly for a while. As Rik would say "Who needs rules?"
Let's write a sitcom with about a hundred characters, exposition aplenty and no point whatsover.
I'll start. If no-one joins in I'll look like a muppet!
Worst sitcom ever - Episode One
sfx Foghorn
JaneP: Hello Swerytd. I didn't know you were back. Why aren't you still in space building a nuclear shelter for the BCG and filling it with Aaron's comedy DVDs?
(JaneP drops dead for no apparent reason)
I'll E-mail you my first sitcom script...
With the ratings at an all time low, special guest star RUBY MAE is brought in to spice up the arm candy.
RUBY MAE: Don't worry little girl in a wheelchair, I will make sure that you get your medicine.
Ruby wheels sickly child into her 'SAW' style basement. A vile of insulin is on the other side of the room covered in traps and razor wire.
RUBY MAE: There's your medicine go and get it. Muwhahaha.
Scottidog's face appears on an old television screen eating a cup cake.
SCOTTIDOG: You have done well my child.
RUBY MAE: Can I have my Rainbow Bright colouring books back now?
SCOTTIDOG: Soon my pretty, soon.
Cut to Scottidog in his grimy office surrounded by security monitors. Scottidog reaches behind his head and pulls a string, his face comes off to reveal zooo.
ZOOO: Not even the Time Walker can save this child now. Muwahawhawha *coughs*
EXT. PM. BUSSELL TRIBUTE BAND 'WHACK TALK' ARE JAMMING WITH LEEVIL AND NIL. DON RUSHMORE IS BOBBING HIS HEAD ALL THE WAY DOWN TO HIS UNFEASIBLY HIGH WAISTLINE. THEY CRESCENDO AND END. THE CROWD AND AUDIENCE GO WILD.
LEEVIL:
Thank you Brighton!
NIL:
We like to call this next one 'How to Build A Nuclear Shelter Using Dodgy Broken Bricks, A Time Traveller & A Topical Newstory'
LEEVIL:
It's our 'Stairway To Heaven'.
THEY ALL START TO JAM. CAMERA CUTS TO A SPACEMAN DANCING AT THE BACK.
TIM WALKER:
It's... *sooooo*.... h... h... hot...
TIM WALKER COLLAPSES TRYING TO REMOVE HIS HELMET.
Well its better than some I've read in critque!
Mainly mine.
Some of the characters are a bit unbelivable though.
A DISHEVELED AND RATHER STAINED SUPERHERO WALKS ON AND OPENS AN ENVELOPE, THEN READS FROM IT.
SUPERHERO
Sootyj apologises but he only turns up in his own ironically bad sitcoms. I'll be filling in for him.
SUPERHERO FARTS NOISILY AND WETTLY
SUPERHERO
I'm captain shits his pants.
BATMAN AND THE JOKER WANDER ON DRESSED IN S&M GEAR HOLDING HANDS.
BATMAN
And we're postmodern Bondage Batman and the Joker.
FOLLOWED BY 2 DALEKS IN DICKYBOWS WITH NOTEPADS ON THEIR PLUNGERS.
DALEK1
I'm an unoriginal Dalek running a curry restaurant. Have you just shit yourself! Disgusting! You filthy bastard!
RACIST CHEMIST WITH A SMALL PENIS WALKS ON.
RACIST CHEMIST WITH A SMALL PENIS
I blame immigration this bloody forum is full! Full I tells ya.