Forget writing properly for a while. As Rik would say "Who needs rules?"
Let's write a sitcom with about a hundred characters, exposition aplenty and no point whatsover.
I'll start. If no-one joins in I'll look like a muppet!
Worst sitcom ever - Episode One
sfx Foghorn
JaneP: Hello Swerytd. I didn't know you were back. Why aren't you still in space building a nuclear shelter for the BCG and filling it with Aaron's comedy DVDs?
(JaneP drops dead for no apparent reason)
Quote: Jane P @ September 21 2009, 3:42 PM BSTForget writing properly for a while. As Rik would say "Who needs rules?"
Let's write a sitcom with about a hundred characters, exposition aplenty and no point whatsover.
I'll start. If no-one joins in I'll look like a muppet!
Worst sitcom ever - Episode One
sfx Foghorn
JaneP:
Hello Swerytd. I didn't know you were back. Why aren't you still in space building a nuclear shelter for the BCG and filling it with Aaron's comedy DVDs?(JaneP drops dead for no apparent reason)
JaneP:
Hello Swerytd. I didn't know you were back. Why aren't you still in space building a nuclear shelter for the BCG and filling it with Aaron's comedy DVDs?
(JaneP looks at what he is holding and drops dead for no apparent reason. Swertyd looks at her for a beat and then holds up a foreign DVD version of Fawlty Towers and cackles)
Swertyd:
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
AARON ENTERS
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE)
Aaron:
Ah! Hello. I guess you stole all my DVDs for the purpose of filling the nuclear shelter so we'd never get bored!
Swerytd:
Yes, but I forgot to get tins in!
(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Aaron:
Never mind, we can eat this dead chick...
MARC P HOLDS LIGHT BULB BEHIND JANE P'S HEAD
MARC P:
Chick Lit!
Quote: Marc P @ September 21 2009, 3:47 PM BSTSwertyd:
No one expects the Spanish acquisition.
Quote: swerytd @ September 21 2009, 3:49 PM BSTAARON ENTERS
(WHOOPING AND CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FROM AUDIENCE)Aaron:
Ah! Hello. I guess you stole all my DVDs for the purpose of filling the nuclear shelter so we'd never get bored!Swerytd:
Yes, but I forgot to get tins in!(CANNED LAUGHTER)
Aaron:
Never mind, we can eat this dead chick...MARC P HOLDS LIGHT BULB BEHIND JANE P'S HEAD
MARC P:
Chick Lit!
JaneP: Wow Marc P's light bulb brought me back to life. Quick let's get to the cemetary and have some fun! (beat) Hey Swerytd why are you covering me in Reggae Reggae sauce!
LEVI ROOTS APPEARS
LEVI:
Available in all good stores, in all different flavours, trying to rape the core brand, whilst people still remember me from Dragons Den
HE SMILES AND THUMBS UP. AARON SHOOTS HIM.
AARON:
(SCREAMING) 'Dragon's' is *possessive*! Charlatan!
MARC P:
(TASTES SAUCE ON FINGERS) Charlatangy!
JANE P:
For goodness sake, shouldn't we have set up a plot by now?
MARC P:
And B-plot. Jack Delaney would be on a case AND pissed by now...
Jane P
Yeah but it would be a case of cheap Irish WHiskey!
AUDIENCE APPLAUD. EVERYONE WAITS FOR IT TO SUBSIDE.
JaneP: Sorry did I miss something? I've just been sleeping with Jack Delaney. Even though he lives on a diet of cigarettes, burgers and whisky he's surprisingly frisky.
(Wow! We are now unintentionally writing in rythming couplets - this could run and run)
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE NOD TO SHAKESPEARE
KEV F SUTHERLAND WALKS ON
F**k me this is gold compared to what I've just agreed to stage.
LEEVIL AND NILS PUTTERS ENTER TO RAPTUOUS APPLAUSE.
LEEVIL: Hey everyone, drop what you're doing. Nil and I have to win X-Factor so we can save the local children's hospital.
NIL: But in order to do that, we need to form a band. Will you guys help us out?
SWERTYD: No.
JANE P.: F**k off.
AARON: Wait a second guys, that's not the BCG spirit that got us through the blackdahlia threads. Let's all lend a hand and put on a psychedelic jamboree that will stun the judges and win the prize money for the kiddy's hospital.
STEVE SUNSHINE: (popping head through window) Shit! I've just heard, Simon Cowell has been replaced by Don Rushmore.
ALL: Oh no!
SWERYTD:
I'd better get some bricks to get this nuclear shelter built.
JANE P:
I know where you can get some cheap bricks, that will in no way be deformed or incomplete, and probably won't result in some humourous outcome a bit like that Hennimore fake sitcom on That Mitchell & Webb Look.
SWERYTD:
Really, Jane P? Where?
JANE P:
Dolly Dagger was selling some off cheap. Then she made some obscure reference that no-one else understood except Marc P. But he laughed a lot, so it must have been funny. (BEAT) Or a pun.
Renegade Carpark: Why is Swerytd ignoring me? My band idea is genius.
RC punches Swerytd in the face.
JaneP: Guys let's be civilised about this.
Swerytd hands RC some of Dolly's bricks and they both throw them at JaneP.
JaneP: (dying again) Only Tim Walker can save me now...
DANNYJB WALKS ON TO THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE AND PUTS HIS THUMBS UP LIKE THE FONZ.
DANNYJB:
Ey-yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
AUDIENCE GO WILD
DANNYJB CARRIES ON WALKING AND EXITS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE
Quote: swerytd @ September 21 2009, 4:10 PM BSTDANNYJB WALKS ON TO THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE AND PUTS HIS THUMBS UP LIKE THE FONZ.
DANNYJB:
Ey-yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!AUDIENCE GO WILD
DANNYJB CARRIES ON WALKING AND EXITS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE
BillWill enters and smashes all the glasses on set.
CROWD BOO
DRY ICE SUDDENLY FILLS THE STAGE. A SPACE CAPSULE LANDS. A MAN IN A SPACESUIT GETS OUT OF THE DOOR. HE REMOVES HIS HELMET. IT'S TIM WALKER.
ONE PERSON IN THE AUDIENCE GOES WILD. SHE'S FAMOUS. EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS AT HER A BIT FUNNY.
TIM WALKER:
I'm here to provide a C-Plot, after the bricks thing and Renegade Carpark's band-whatsit. What's more, I will cunningly interlink them so they flawlessly come together in the very last scene.