Superman Sketch (Comp ent.)

This was my recent SUPEHEROES sketch comp. entry and I was just hoping people could tell me where I'd gone wrong. Cheers.

INT. HOSPITAL – NIGHT

Superman is laying in bed looking worst for wear; he is hooked up to a heart monitor and a number of drips and cables run from his body; a very aged looking Lois Lane is sat in a wheelchair holding his hand.

SUPERMAN
[VOICE QUAVERING] Lois, come closer to me.

LOIS
What is it Clark?

SUPERMAN
I've seen so many awful things in my time; so much pain and suffering. I've tried to help people in every way I ever could but now I feel as though I just can't take it anymore.

LOIS
But Clark, you're Superman.

SUPERMAN
I know, I know, but I have feelings too and for all my efforts nothing seems to change. I stop one evil villain then another one comes along sooner than I can change out of my leotard. And now my body just doesn't seem to be what it was.

LOIS
It's ok Clark you'll find a way back, I know you will. You mustn't talk like this, you're worrying me.

SUPERMAN
I'm sorry Lois, but I don't want this life anymore. If I can't stop all of the suffering in the world the only thing I can do is stop my own. [HE CALLS OUT] Doctor?

A DOCTOR WEARING DARK GLASSES AND A DIGNITAS LAB COAT APPEARS FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN HOLDING A BIG SYRINGE WITH FLUORESCENT GREEN LIQUID INSIDE.

DOCTOR
Mr Kent? Are you ready?

SUPERMAN
Yes doctor, I've thought this through and I just can't take this world anymore.

LOIS
No Clark, you can't!

THE DOCTOR HANDS SUPERMAN A WAIVER TO SIGN; HE SIGNS IT.

SUPERMAN
I'm sorry Lois, I just can't go on. (LOIS BEGINS TO SOB) Doctor please go ahead, I'm 100% certain I want to do this.

THE DOCTOR SLOWLY INJECTS SUPERMAN WITH THE LIQUID.

SUPERMAN
I love you Lois.

LOIS
I love you Superman.

HE SLOWLY SLIPS AWAY. THEN THE DOCTOR QUICKLY WHIPS OFF HIS LAB COAT REVEALING A NUMBER OF TENDRILS.

DOCTOR OCTOPUS
Mwah ha ha ha!

LOIS
Dr Octopus?! But you're from Marvel. Nooooooooooooo!

END SKETCH

Bearing in mind I'm not qualified to say where you went wrong! (Or if you did!) I think that with the long slow build-up about his suicide I can imagine this sketch onscreen being quite depressing for at least a minute!

Then the final punchline requires a bit of nerdy background knowledge for it to work. Although I suppose that's not neccessarily a problem.

I thought that the ridiculousness of superman having an assisted suicide would carry it, but only In my I'll formed brain obviously! Thanks for 'avin a look shoepie an' 'ello

Hi.

I didn't think the idea was a bad one necessarily, but overall it didn't work for me.
I might have liked to see a few more jokes earlier on, or funny reasons why he wants to die.
You probably wanted it played more straight deliberately which is fine but the punchline made little sense to me.
Was it Doctor octopus because he was a doctor?
Was it to do with a DC/Marvel rivalry ?
It may have benefitted from a clue or two earlier on to set up the end.

It might need a different angle to make it work better.
One thing that struck me personally as I read it was how difficult it would be for Superman to commit suicide.
It's hard to get a syringe through steel, and he can't really throw himself off a building/in front of a train.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ September 22 2009, 10:48 AM BST

Hi.

I didn't think the idea was a bad one necessarily, but overall it didn't work for me.
I might have liked to see a few more jokes earlier on, or funny reasons why he wants to die.
You probably wanted it played more straight deliberately which is fine but the punchline made little sense to me.
Was it Doctor octopus because he was a doctor?
Was it to do with a DC/Marvel rivalry ?
It may have benefitted from a clue or two earlier on to set up the end.

It might need a different angle to make it work better.
One thing that struck me personally as I read it was how difficult it would be for Superman to commit suicide.
It's hard to get a syringe through steel, and he can't really throw himself off a building/in front of a train.

View original

Cheers Steve. The Marvel 'punchline' was just tagged on at the end when, after posting the sketch, I realised it didn't make any sense that Dr Octopus was a Marvel character trying to kill a DC character and fearing a terrible backlash from comic buffs I added it belatedly. I think I was trying to rely on other people finding the scenario stupid and in turn finding it funny rather than depending on any amusing dialogue (which didn't exist). You are right though about playing it straight to begin with, that was intentional, as I thought by creating a serious/sensible/(attempting) poignant beginning that it would make the silly ending more amusing. As it turns out I was wrong! Thanks for passing comment.

Up until the punchline, I really liked this a lot Giggle-o. Sometimes comedy is best played straight and the assisted suicide and Superman's wish to die were very well written (very drama-ry).

Not sure how you would finish this one off though.

Quote: Renegade Carpark @ September 22 2009, 11:06 PM BST

Up until the punchline, I really liked this a lot Giggle-o. Sometimes comedy is best played straight and the assisted suicide and Superman's wish to die were very well written (very drama-ry).

Not sure how you would finish this one off though.

View original

Thanks RC! I'm not too sure of how to finish it either, as evidenced by my lame attempt initially! I always feel a bit of pressure to break off from the serious to include silly lines as reading straight dialogue without any 'gags', when it's meant to be comedy, makes me think I'm losing people's attention. Cheers for sticking with it.

Not enough flailing cocks for me.

Quote: Nil Putters @ September 22 2009, 11:19 PM BST

Not enough flailing cocks for me.

View original

Maybe if I change Dr Octopus to a normal doctor who just has loads of flailing cocks under his lab coat instead of tendrils? It would still make about as much sense.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ September 22 2009, 11:23 PM BST

Maybe if I change Dr Octopus to a normal doctor who just has loads of flailing cocks under his lab coat instead of tendrils? It would still make about as much sense.

View original

Now you're talking

Sounds like a winner.