Introductions - Draft

New to writing comedy (as the reader will obviously discover).

'Introductions'

Mum and Dad are about to meet their daughter's new boyfriend when he comes over for lunch.

INT. LIVING ROOM - PM

TERENCE and SYLVIA sit in armchairs watching the television. Terence sits with a blanket over his legs.

LAURA enters the room, followed by KELLY.

SYLVIA
Hello love.

LAURA
Mum, Dad. This is Kelly. My new boyfriend.

Terence turns away from the telly, eyes fixing on Kelly.

TERENCE
Kelly...But he's a boy.
(points and puts hand on his heart)
Thank God I thought Laura was one of them.

SYLVIA
Be quiet dear. I told you about her boyfriend earlier.

TERENCE
(points at Laura)
Yes. But I thought it explained her wanting all the 'boy' things when she was growing up. When you said Kelly I just thought!

Sylvia gives him 'the look' and he goes quiet.

Laura and Kelly sit down.

TERENCE
So Kelly......what do you do.

KELLY
I'm a nurse at the hospital. The A&E department.

Laura clutches his hand, smiling proudly.

TERENCE
Nurse.. a nurse, eh! Failed the doctors exam did you.

LAURA
Dad...stop it!

TERENCE
(hushed voice)
Sorry..sorry. A nurse...um...very good, very good.

SYLVIA
Is that a family thing, the nursing?

KELLY
My mother and father are both doctors.

TERENCE
Your mother is a doctor!
(eyes at Sylvia)
Things a bit backward in his house are they.

SYLVIA
Terence. Quiet! Very nice to hear Kelly. You know I always wanted to be a nurse when I was younger.

TERENCE
Yes, well, your my wife. You don't need any career.
(He pats Sylvia on the leg)
I let you cook.

SYLVIA
I have to cook or you wouldn't eat. Last time I left you alone for a day, you phoned me to ask why the meat in the tin had jelly on it. Bless him, he was eating the cat meat.

TERENCE
(embarrassed tone)
I didn't have my glasses on. Perfectly simple mistake. Anyway, in this house a woman knows her place. I am a man and head of this house.
(looks at Sylvia)
Aren't I dear?

SYLVIA
Yes, your defined as a man by the word.
(she smirks)
But not entirely by the concept, darling. And he still thinks a fairy puts puts out clean clothes for him every day.

TERENCE
Yes...Eh!

SYLVIA
Dinner won't be long. I'll just go and check the lamb roast.

Sylvia leaves.

TERENCE
You know son, you have to let them know where they stand. Women only have certain duties. Us boys need to stick together. We lead from the front. Show the women how it should be done.

LAURA
Oh is that right! You mean when you taught me and mum how to ignite a barbecue....and a garage at the same time.

TERENCE
(muttering)
It was a windy day. Your mother must have touched something.

Sylvia enters.

KELLY
But I'm all for equality sir. The modern age. Women are perfectly able to compete in today's society.

Kelly smiles fondly at Laura

TERENCE
(aghast)
Equality! In my day....

Terence mumbles incoherently whilst waving his hands in the air.

SYLVIA
Don't mind him dear. He hasn't got over the shock of women voting yet...and equality is such a big word for him. Isn't that right dear?

They all look at Terrence.

TERENCE
What...wha! Oh yes dear.

Sylvia and Laura snigger.

SYLVIA
Right. Just waiting for the meat to rest and then we can eat.

TERENCE
You'll need me to carve then. An essential skill.

LAURA
(towards Kelly)
Dad always carves the meat.

Kelly nods in acknowledgement.

SYLVIA
To him the whole meal is a failure without his intervention. He likes to presume that as he has carved he is ultimately responsible for what is on the table, never mind what I did.

KELLY
I'm sure you are a wonderful cook. I know it is hard work cooking for people.

Sylvia spawns and appreciative smile.

TERENCE
Yes, yes...that may be true, but while I work all day you have all the free time, apart from the cooking.

SYLVIA
(sarcastically)
Yes of course dear. I mean all I do is cook, clean, iron, raise the children. So much free time.

Terence nods in agreement.

TERENCE
You know I've always said she should have a hobby so she doesn't get bored.

Sylvia and Laura smirk at one another.

KELLY
I'm sure your wife works very hard. Its not easy running a home.

TERENCE
Knitting. You could try knitting. It would suit you. Not too taxing!

SYLVIA
Ooh...are you sure I can handle the needles. And the instructions on the patterns!

TERENCE
Maybe I should check over the instructions first. Check there not too complicated. Anyway, you've struggled with map reading before, haven't you?

SYLVIA
I always thought you always knew where we we going?

TERENCE
I told you before. The Council moved the roads, and put up the wrong signs. I wrote to that lady at the council, but I still haven't heard from her.

LAURA
(to Kelly)
My father is an avid complainer at the council. He likes to correct what he calls 'other peoples errors.'

SYLVIA
He was the same towards the women cashier's at the bank... and the post office....the doctors.

Laura whispers in Kelly's ear.

LAURA
Mum..Dad..We have something to tell you.

Terence and Sylvia look on apprehensively.

KELLY
Mr and Mrs Morgan. I would like to tell you that Laura...

TERENCE
Have you got my girl up the....!

LAURA
Dad!

SYLVIA
Terence! Stop it and listen! Laura...are you....you know?

KELLY
No Sir. I.....I just wanted to say that me and Laura are moving in together.

Terence sighs with relief.

TERENCE
Moving in eh? Be like your mother then. In the home. No more hobbies.

LAURA
Being an accountant is not a hobby Dad.

TERENCE
Yes. Well. You'll want to stop and be in the home.

SYLVIA
Terence. Laura has a very good career. She has done well for herself. Its not her fault you still use an abacus.

TERENCE
That is just a toy from my childhood. Full of memories. I only look at it to remember the old days.

SYLVIA
Funny that. You look at it the same time every month. Just after pay day and you want something.

Laura and Kelly smirk. Terence looks hot and bothered.

LAURA
Come on Mum. Lets have something to eat.

Sylvia, Kelly and Laura all stand up to leave the room.

TERENCE
Time for the man to carve then, I think!

Terence stands up, revealing a skirt and stockings. Casually he heads towards the kitchen with a gentle skip, brushing past a gobsmacked Kelly.

THE END

Is this a Sit Com or a Sketch? If it's a sketch, it's too long. If it is a Sit Com, it shouldn't really have a reveal unless this becomes part of the story, and having a chauvinist, sexist, cross dressing father is a strange choice of characters.

In honesty, it reads like a list of poor sexist wisecracks. The kind that make you cringe rather than laugh. It feels dated and the format is tired. There are some nice lines in there but I feel they could be tightened up and improved. An example could be below

Your line

LAURA
Oh is that right! You mean when you taught me and mum how to ignite a barbecue....and a garage at the same time.

I think something like this would be better

LAURA
So why is it that when you taught me to fire up the Barbeque, there was fire up the fence and the shed as well

I think you should change the characters of Sylvia and Terence, to simply Mum and Dad. This would make it read better, as I had to keep reading back to see who was who, and when there are only four characters that might be a sign that they don't have distinctive enough characteristics about them

It's only my opinion. Please don't be dis-heartened, I'm new on here too, so my opinion isn't worth much really. Please do keep it up. I'd like to read a re-write

Thanks for the honest opinion Minty. It's a case of live and learn....live and learn. It was meant to be a sketch, but as you quite rightly point out, it's far too long. What doesn't work, doesn't work, but you can't tell unless others read it. It's just a case of starting again, or trying another angle.

If it's a sketch than it might still work. I had assumed it was the start of a sit com, so my comments were based on that. Trim it down and sharpen the dialogue (Less of the "x" sniggers and "y" looks this way or that)

Thanks for taking the time to read it, Minty. I might try and revamp it, but as you say the character (Terence) is obviously not to everyones taste, and it is rather dated. I don't think the sketch in my head came out too well on paper.

Hi JM,

To shape this sketch, lose 50% of the script - there's a lot of padding.

We don't need to know about anyone's career, so ditch all those lines. Cut conversational lines which are not necessary to the plot. Keep only relevant lines, but trim & sharpen them.

To help, have a glance at SkitComp threads in Critique, you'll see some snappy sketches amongst the posts.

G'luck.

Thanks for the advice Geoff.

Also the 'man in skirt/suspenders' reveal is a very dated punchline. I think it goes back to Kenny Everett and perhaps even before that.

Hi there JM, I think the theme is much done and a bit dated (unless you're from round my way - then it's still fairly up to date) but I liked the line 'It was a windy day. Your mother must have touched something.'
I don't think it's bad for an early attempt, I'm sure mine were a lot worse but the above advice is true - it is a bit like a sitcom with a sketch ending – but don't let that put you off, Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.
If you are considering writing a sitcom (as I am) there is some fantastic advice and resources on this site. I found the thread mentioned in 'Critique Rules' called 'Here be Pirates' really useful especially the advice from Swerytd and SlagA (just go to search and type in Here Be Pirates). The other brilliant resource on here is the interviews with writers.
Good luck with it all anyway and well done on being brave enough to post something in critique, I haven't quite got that far yet…

Thanks for your input, Martin H and Diehard. Normally I write non-fiction and serious drama (as you can so easily tell). I appear to be more productive at writing serious drama (full read at the BBC, with positive feedback) but I thought I'd dabble in comedy (maybe I should stick to other genres). Still a big learning curve, but you live and learn.