Skit comp 16-23.9.9

Quite a spectacular week that so extra spesh congrats to... SWERYTD and MR SUNSHINE for winnin'! That's 10 points each and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

3 - 10 - Swerytd, Mr Sunshine
2 - 5 - Leevil
1 - 1 - Otterfox, Geoff Mutton, Craig H, Paul W, Minty, Nil Putters
Special mention: Bushbaby, Rick Allden, Dan, Nigel, stimarco

Your new subject: STARS (chosen by Cool Mikado).
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 23.09

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
101 - Chris Forshaw
98 - Fred Peters
98 - Cool Mikado
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Otterfox
79 - Nigel Kelly
66 - Jude
61 - Fred Sunshine
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
55 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
28 - Leevil
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

AN ELVIS TRIBUTE ARTIST ENTERS HIS DRESSING ROOM AFTER A SHOW TO FIND HIS MANAGER WAITING FOR HIM.

ETA: (IN AN ELVIS DRAWL )
Uh Huh huh That was a helluva a show mama, Lord have Mercy. Thank you very murch.
(NORMAL VOICE) just give me a sec Tom, let the spirit leave me... Right, gone! what can I do you for?

MANAGER:
I thought it would be a good time to have a bit of a talk about the whole Elvis Impersonator thing.

ETA :
How many times do I have to tell you! I am not an Elvis Impersonator, I am an Elvis Tribute Artist!

MANAGER:
But that would suggest that you are an artist, and that the things you do are in some way a tribute.

ETA:
Oh, come off it. You saw them out there tonight, I knocked em dead.

MANAGER:
You made them slightly morbid, it's not quite the same thing. This isn't easy to say Dave, but as your manager I think it's about time that you gave this all up.

ETA:
I can't give it up Tom, it's in my blood (ADOPTS ELVIS STANCE & VOICE) Wooah yeah... That's right!

MANAGER:
I'm just being honest with you. You've done well but now it's time that you cut your losses & quit.

ETA:
Come on, you don't mean that.

MANAGER:
No of course I don't., You haven't done that well at all, but it's definitely time that you cut your losses & quit.

ETA:
Frankly I'm stunned, I cannot believe what I am hearing.

MANAGER:
I'm only saying this because you need to hear it. There are new guys out there, they can sing, they can dance, you just can't compete with that kind of adequacy.

ETA:
I bet they don't have suits like this one.

MANAGER:
If you mean suits hand knitted by their mother, then I'd have to agree with you., but they make up for that sort of thing by being a lot better than you at what you do.

ETA:
So, spit it out then! Are you ditching me or what?

MANAGER:
Not Necessarily.

ETA::
So what could I do If I didn't do Elvis?

MANAGER:
What about reality TV, they cater for people of your abilities.

ETA: (BRIGHTENING UP)
Are you talking X Factor?. I like what you're saying.

MANAGER:
Unfortunately you are neither good enough nor bad enough for that show at this time in your career.

ETA:
Please don't say Britains got Talent.

MANAGER:
You get the juggling balls, I'll get the puppy.

END

The latest Olympic star is a hermaphrodite, has balls in the vagina. Like my mother. But they're not hers, they're attached. To me. As I write thi...

PSYCHIATRIST'S ROOM, A WOMAN IS LYING ON THE BED.

PSYCH

Well, that is just amazing, so you have
actually stopped seeing stars altogether?

WOMAN
That's right.

PSYCH

Even through the day?

WOMAN

Yep.

PSYCH

Would you say then that my therapy has done the trick?

WOMAN

I cured myself

PSYCH

How so?

WOMAN

I stabbed the violent f**ker to death and he's under the patio.

49 BC. JULIUS CAESAR IS IN HIS TENT. WITH HIM ARE THE EXPELLED TRIBUNES, MARK ANTONY AND QUINTUS CASSIUS LONGINUS.

LONGINUS
The Senate are obdurate, you must disband your legions or be declared an enemy of the people.

ANTONY
Do not hesitate O Caesar, march on Rome!

CAESAR
To enter Italy at the head of an army would incur automatic proscription. I must consult the auguries.

ENTER ASTROLOGER, CLUTCHING A SCROLL.

CAESAR (CONT.)
Ah, my astrologer! What foretells my horoscope?

ASTROLOGER
If you have been thinking about moving, now is a good time.

ANTONY
The stars favour our enterprise!

CAESAR
What else?

ASTROLOGER
You will have an opportunity to make new friends.

LONGINUS
Rome's noble families will flock to our banner.

ASTROLOGER
You may choose to do a bit of shopping in the afternoon.

ANTONY
Er...

LONGINUS
There's a nice little forum just on the other side of the Rubicon.

CAESAR
But do the portents speak of victory?

ASTROLOGER
(CONSULTS SCROLL) It is important to find time for hobbies.

CAESAR
You give me pause for thought. Once I bestride the narrow world like a colossus, shall I have time to assemble 'collect and keep' mosaic kits of Second Punic War generals?

LONGINUS
That forum is just the place for military mosaics.

ANTONY
They've got Scipio Africanus. Cross now and we can pillage them before they close.

CAESAR
Pah! Everyone has Scipio - no use even as a swapsie. (TO ASTROLOGER) Do you have nothing more to tell me?

ASTROLOGER
There is just one thing more, O Caesar. (BEAT) You share a birthday with Fulvius the gladiator.

CAESAR WAVES AWAY THE ASTROLOGER, WHO LEAVES.

ANTONY
So much for cutting-edge science.

LONGINUS
You would do as well throwing dice.

CAESAR
Good idea. Odds, Rome and immortal glory; evens, I have another go at finishing that tricky bit with the elephants round Hasdrubal's left ear. (THROWS DICE) Alea iacta est - the die is cast.

THEY CROWD AROUND TO LOOK AT THE DICE.

ANTONY
Best of three?

END.

BETHLEHEM, AROUND 2,000 YEARS AGO;

EXT. OUTSIDE INN - EARLY HOURS OF MORNING.

THREE WISE MEN ARRIVE ON CAMELS.

INNKEEPER: Hello Gents, I suppose you're looking for a room?

WISE MAN #1: No, we've been following that star up there and we're looking for a child.

INNKEEPER: All tastes catered for, I'm sure I can sort something out.

WISE MAN #2: You misunderstand. That star has been guiding us to a very important infant.

INNKEEPER: Best of luck lads, the place is teeming with them. There's a census on you know - the world and his wife are in town.

WISE MAN #3: But this is a very special new-born child. The star has stopped above your establishment and that indicates that.....

INNKEEPER: Don't talk to me about new-born babies. I've had a belly-full of babies for one night, thank you very much.

WISE MAN #1: How so?

INNKEEPER: Well, last night, I'm fully booked and this couple, Mary & Joseph, turns up asking for a room - they hadn't even booked! Anyway, she's heavily pregnant and they had no chance of getting accommodation, so, out of the goodness of my heart, I let 'em stay in the barn. What a mistake!

WISE MAN #2: Mistake?

INNKEEPER: Too right. All my guests had settled down for the night when she started popping! First, the mother was screaming during the birth, then the baby was wailing it's head off - what a racket. I should think half of Bethlehem was woken up.

WISE MAN #3: But surely these noises are tolerable given the joy of childbirth?

INNKEEPER: Yeah, but it doesn't end there! Just when things seemed to have settled down, they start having an almighty row and the baby cranked up again! I went out to the barn to tell 'em they'd have to shut up or sling their hook! We don't want their type here.

WISE MAN #1: What type?

INNKEEPER: Mental types! First she reckoned she's a virgin, then she says the kid isn't his. The poor baby must have had a hell of a temperature too, his little head was glowing! Not fit to be parents - crazy, dysfunctional couple! What a carry-on!

WISE MAN #2: Was this the only birth at this Inn last night?

INNKEEPER: Yep, thank goodness.

WISE MAN #3: Then that is the child the star has led us to. We must go to the barn.

INNKEEPER: Your decision lads.[BEAT] [CALLING AFTER THEM] It's the baby I feel sorry for in all this, I mean, with parents like that, what chance has the poor little sod got of making anything of himself?

END.

INT.OBSERVATORY.NIGHT

A SCIENTIST IS BUSY STUDYING THE NIGHT SKY THROUGH A POWERFUL LOOKING TELESCOPE. HE SUDDENLY TURNS AND WALKS OVER TO A DESK AND PICKS UP A BOOK OF STAR CHARTS AND STUDIES IT. HE RETURNS TO LOOK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE THEN STOPS TO CHECK HIS WATCH AND LOOKING VERY SERIOUS WALKS BRISKLY OVER TO A PHONE ON THE WALL, PICKS UP THE RECEIVER AND DIALS

SCIENTIST (AFFECTING A VOICE)
Dr. Richards?

HEARING A RESPONSE THE SCIENTIST PUTS THE RECEIVER TO HIS BACKSIDE AND BREAKS WIND LOUDLY

SCIENTIST (INTO THE PHONE)
Gotchaaaaaaaaar!

THE SCIENTIST LAUGHS THEN QUICKLY REPLACES THE RECIEVER AND WALKS AWAY SNIGGERING

INT. AN OBSERVATORY - NIGHT

Three astronomers mulling around the lab. Jack is stood at a telescope.

Jack
Hey, George, could you come and take a look at this?

George
Sure.

Paul comes over to Jack.

Paul
(Quietly)
Ok, what did you do to the telescope this time? The old ink ring trick?

JACK
(Quietly)
Better. I suck an apple corer on there.

George approaches a telescope

GEORGE
Ok then, lets just have a (screaming)oh god! My eye!

EXT. DAY. MOVIE SET.

GEORGE CLOONEY IS TAKING A BREAK FROM FILMING AND CHATTING TO FANS.

GEORGE:
Hey you, cutie. C'mere. Wanna have some fun?

BIMBO:
Oh my god! He wants me. George, I'll do anything you want and I mean absolutely anything.

GEORGE:
Absolutely anything? Jeez, babe, you're starstuck.

BIMBO:
I'm so totally starstruck for you George.

GEORGE:
Okay, You're my type of gal, meet me later.

CUT TO NIGHTTIME. BIMBO IS DRIVING A PICK-UP IN HOLLYWOOD. CLOONEY, PITT AND NICHOLSON ARE SITTING ON IT DRUNK. WRITTEN ON SIDE 'STARS TRUCK.'

'ROCK STAR PROFILES'.

PRESENTER:
This week we look back on the career of Steve Spark who made his name as lead singer of the band 'The Mini Moustaches'. The band who was referred to by Time magazine as 'the most average band of the 70's' and 'the most moustached band of the 80's' and I'm delighted to say Steve joins me in the studio this evening.

Steve, tell us about the origins of the band.

STEVE:
Well we started off playing at small venues. Playgrounds, treehouses places like that. Then we moved onto bigger things like community centres.

The name for the band 'The Mini Moustaches' came from the drummers friend, Paul Moustache. He was quite small so we said we'd pay homage to him.

By the time our first album 'End of the Road' came out we had already got caught up in the rock & roll lifestyle and I was on 2 shandys a night.

Obviously we could'nt keep this up and we were getting homesick. We were still gigging at home and we were sick of it.
We had released our 1st 2 singles at this point and we could tell we were rising stars.

PRESENTER:
But neither of them entered the top 100.

STEVE:
Ahem...Yeah but to get our vibe man you need to listen to the album. It's a train of consciousness thing.

PRESENTER:
Well looking at the 1st 4 songs here, they don't seem to follow any continuous theme. 'The Carpenters head was never let go', 'Temples of a Clown', Teeth for the Summer' and 'The Water was too Wet'.

STEVE:
No, I mean we were all semi-conscious on a train when we wrote it. You know, train of consciousness.

PRESENTER:
But if you're talking of a stream of consciousness then you need to...

STEVE INTERRUPTS.
GETTING ANIMATED.

STEVE:
"Stream" of consciousness? Who mentioned a stream? We were talking about a train! You can't even remember what I said.

I think I'm.......Yeah, I'm going to throw one of my patented tantrums now. That mix up has really cost you. This interview is over!

HE STORMS OFF.

END.

=========================
THREE WISE MEN
=========================
THE THREE WISE MEN ARE CROSSING A DESERT AT NIGHT

MELCHIOR
This is a bloody long way Casper! How do you know we're going the right way?

CASPER
(EYES DART FURTIVELY) I've... erm... memorised the way...

BALTHAZAR
This is not one of your lunatic, 'psychic' things is it?

CASPER
Of course not. (CHANGING SUBJECT) So what are we? Kings or Wise Men?

BALTHAZAR
Hey, I'm a King!

MELCHIOR
You, Balthazar, are King of Carpets.

BALTHAZAR:
It's still being a King!

CASPER
I think you need to be born a king, not just top rug salesman in your area.

BALTHAZAR
Alright, what about wise men?

MELCHIOR
Remember that party? Where you ended up dancing naked on the table with your robe around your head, making baboon noises?

BALTHAZAR
Yes?

CASPER
Wise?

BALTHAZAR
Oh...

CASPER
Look, let's get a move on or it'll disappear over the horizon...

MELCHIOR
What will?

CASPER
The star... erm... (SCRATCHES HEAD)

BALTHAZAR AND MELCHIOR GLARE AT HIM.

MELCHIOR
Casper. Are we following the ... *f**king*... stars again?

CASPER
Erm... No....

CASPER TURNS AND STARTS TO RUN. MELCHIOR HOLDS BACK A CRAZED BALTHAZAR

BALTHAZAR
Let me at him! I'm gonna kill you!

MELCHIOR
Casper!

END

THE SKY AT NIGHT STUDIO. PATRICK MOORE IS TALKING TO AN ACADEMIC DECKED OUT IN CHORDOROUY TROUSERS, BROWN TIE AND THICK RIMMED SPECS.

PATRICK: With us tonight is eminent academic Professor Norman Juxtaposition, faculty leader of Astral Research at Biggleswade University.

NORMAN: Good evening.

PATRICK: Professor Norman, you have been conducting new research on one of the sky's most well known constellations.

NORMAN: That's right. In the picture we're about show we can see Ursa Major. Dear old Ursa is second cousin once removed of John Major, the former British Prime Minister.

A CRUDE DOT-TO-DOT DRAWING OF AN ANGRY-LOOKING WOMAN JOHN MAJOR LOOKALIKE APPEARS OVERLAYED ONTO THE PICTURE OF THE CONSTELLATION

NORMAN: Ursa Major is of course more commonly known as the Great Bear. A real beast of a woman and not to be messed with.

PATRICK: What else can you tell you tell us about these stars?

NORMAN: Holes.

PATRICK: Pardon?

NORMAN: They're holes, not stars. Stars are what you have on the top of Christmas trees.

PATRICK: Um, well, I prefer a fairy myself.

NORMAN: I'm saying nothing.

PATRICK: Anyway, you mean black holes surely.

NORMAN: No, silly. If they were black holes that would mean the lights had been turned off.

PATRICK: What lights?

NORMAN: In heaven.

PATRICK: What are you talking about?

NORMAN: Oh Patrick, don't you know anything? The lights we see in the sky are holes in the floor of heaven.

THERE IS A PAUSE AS PATRICK TAKES IN WHAT THE PROFESSOR IS CLAIMING

PATRICK: Really?

NORMAN: Oh yes. Jesus loves you Patrick.

PATRICK: You'd think God would've have got decent builders in but his shabby flooring does at least give us a nice sparkly and twinkly sky at night.

NORMAN: Indeed it does.

PATRICK: And on that bombshell we'll say goodnight. Tune in next month when look at the clapped-out constellation known as Ford Orion.

END

Albeit narrowly, it's Timbo for me.

Timbo

Yep, Timbo gets my vote too.