Cyborg Ninja Maids vs. Giant Robot Zombie Pirates

Cyborg Ninja Maids vs. Giant Robot Zombie Pirates From Outer Space

The first few scenes of my latest sitcom attempt. Radio, obviously - it would be far too expensive to film.

V/O: Earth - 2057AD and the streets of London are eerily quiet…

ATMOS: Lasers, explosions and screaming

V/O: …except for the sounds of the populace being mercilessly enslaved – and in some cases mercilessly squished – by cruel invaders from the Orion Nebula. Earth's armies lie crushed, her police forces defeated and disbanded, her traffic wardens long since lynched.

MOLTRO:Yarrr. Take this one's woman and send him to the slave pits.

MAN #1:No! I won't let them take you Debbie! Get your claws off her, you giant metal…

F/X: Clang of fist hitting metal

MAN #1w! My hand!

MOLTROilence, human.

F/X: Laser zap

MAN #1w! My guts! (Death gargle – long and drawn out)

WOMAN: (SCREAMS) Jim! Noooooo!

MOLTROend her to the…

MAN #1More death noises, milking it a bit)

MOLTROend her to the…

MAN #1Even more death noises, really hamming it up and ad-libbing slightly)

MOLTROilence, human!

F/X: Laser zap

MOLTROPAUSE) Right. Send the woman to the…

MAN #1:You shot my head off! Aaaargh! (More death throes)

MOLTROh, for…! (SIGH)

F/X:Chainsaw and squishy noises. MAN #1 screams & falls silent

MOLTRO:Where was I?

ROBOT:"Send her to the…"

MOLTRO:Yes! (BEAT) Send her to the…the… No, it's gone. Just kill her instead.

ROBOT:Aye-aye Cap'n Moltro.

F/X:Chainsaw and squishy noises. WOMAN screams & falls silent

MOLTRO:Continue rounding them up. The Supreme Commander needs more slaves to advance plan Theta 7.

ROBOT:Theta 7 Cap'n?

MOLTRO:Yes. Plans Theta 1 to 6 were OK I suppose… but Theta 7 will finally give us utter dominion over this world and all the squishy little creatures on it.

MAN #2:You'll never get away with this you…

F/X:Machine gun

MAN #2:Bleeeuuurrrrgggghhh!!!

MOLTROass me his brains will you?

ROBOT:Aye, aye Cap'n.

MOLTRO:Mmmm! Lovely, lovely human brains. Nyom nyom nyom. (SMACKS HIS LIPS) Scrape the rest of him up and send it to the food vats. (BEAT) Yes, when the Supreme Commander implements plan Theta 7, these puny humans will have tasted their last taste of freedom and it is a taste which will leave a bad taste in their mouths for EVER! (EVIL ROBOTIC PIRATE LAUGH)

V/O:Elsewhere in London a small, secret band of secret freedom fighters opposes the invaders. Secretly orchestrating their secret plans from a secret base so secret that even they aren't sure of it's…um… secret location.

LORELEI: It's definitely one of these doors round here somewhere.

VIOLET:Can we hurry up and find it please Lorelei? If I don't get a coffee soon, I'm going to have to kill something.

LORELEI: I just wish we hadn't made our secret base quite so secret. (BEAT) I think it's down this alley here. Come on Jeff – Keep up.

JEFF:It's alright for you two; I'm still not used to walking in these heels. I feel ridiculous - Do I really have to wear this outfit?

VIOLET:You knew what you were signing up for when you became a maid Jeff. Now straighten your apron and hurry up before I do something unpleasant to you with this feather duster.

JEFFUNDER HIS BREATH) It was only supposed to be a couple of days temping. How was I supposed to know I'd end up dressed like this?

LORELEI: This is it. Ninja Maid HQ.

F/X: Door sliding open

VIOLET: Great. I'll put the coffee on.

LORELEI: Jeff, I know you haven't had any ninja training like Violet and I but we can at least load some ninja software onto your cybernetic implants. That will be better than nothing. Just unscrew your right eyeball and plug this into your brain.

JEFF:I'm not really sure about this Lorelei… Do I really have to be a ninja maid?

LORELEI: We all have to adapt Jeff.

GRAMStirring chord/music

LORELEI: (BOMBASTIC) I didn't want to be captured by giant robot zombie pirates from outer space and be experimented on to test out their new cybernetic technology. I didn't want my world crushed beneath the heel of vicious invaders. We all have our part to play and we are all that stands between mankind and…

GRAMS ENDS SUDDENLY AS VIOLET RE-ENTERS THE ROOM

VIOLET:Haven't you done that yet? Give it here.

F/Xquelch

JEFF:Aaargh! That really hurts!

VIOLETf course it hurts; I've just rammed a metal spike through your eyeball and into your brain. What are you, a maid or a mouse? Stop whingeing and let the ninja software upload to your brain. The coffee will be ready in a few minutes.

LORELEI: No time for coffee, girls. There's a message here from World Resistance HQ. The invaders have captured one of the country's top scientists and are torturing him as we speak.

VIOLETo?

LORELEI: Apparently this scientist was part of a group working on a device which could turn the tide of this war against the robots. They're getting ready to transfer him to their main base for further interrogation. We need to get to him before they can learn too much.

VIOLET:No time for coffee?! Someone is going to die for this. Let's get them. Ninja Maids GOOOO!!

JEFF:Erm… I've still got this spike in my brain and the software says it's only 23% uploaded.

LORELEI: That will have to be enough.

F/Xquelch

JEFFw!

LORELEI: Screw your eyeball back on Jeff. Rocket heels ready girls?

VIOLET: Check. And I get a chance to try out this new magnetic bomb disguised as a dustpan and brush.

LORELEI: Right. Let's go.

V/O:And so the cyborg ninja maids speed to the rescue of the captured scientist and the fate of all mankind hangs in the balance. Can they prevail against the giant robot torturers? Have the scientists really come up with a device to defeat the invaders? Will 23% of the ninja software be enough to help Jeff walk properly in high heels? I don't know, I haven't read the rest of the script yet. Let's find out together as the action moves to a small house in Islington.

SCIENTIST: Please, no more.

ROBOT:I've only just started, human. Tell me where the device is or I'll break another one of your thumbs, ye scurvy dog.

SCIENTIST: But I've only got two thumbs and you've already broken both of them!

ROBOT:What are those wiggly things next to your thumbs?

SCIENTIST: They're my fingers. They're completely different from thumbs.

ROBOT:Are you sure?

SCIENTIST: Absolutely. I'm a scientist. I know these things.

ROBOT:Hmmm... I shall confer with main control to determine what to do next.

F/X:Computer modem type sounds

ROBOT:They're definitely not the same as thumbs?

SCIENTIST: Nothing like them I'm afraid. Sorry.

ROBOT:Hmmmm…

F/X:Computer modem type sounds

ROBOT:Absolutely certain…?

SCIENTIST: Cross my heart and hope to die.

ROBOT:Hmmmm…

F/X:Computer modem type sounds

ROBOT:I have been instructed to try breaking them anyway. (EVIL ROBOT LAUGH)

F/X:Three ninja maids crashing through the ceiling

LORELEI: Stop!

ROBOT:What?

F/Xquishy tearing sound

ROBOToops!

JEFF:Eeew! It's pulled his arm off! I think I'm going to puke.

LORELEI: Surrender foul undead robot!

ROBOT:Who are you?

GRAMStirring chord/music

LORELEI: (BOMBASTIC) We are a secret sect of ninja maids. Captured and experimented upon we escaped to seek revenge on those who have destroyed our homeland and…

GRAMS ENDS SUDDENLY

VIOLET:Yeah, yeah. We're its worst nightmare. Let's just kill it and get out of here with the boffin before any more turn up. Ninja Maids GOOOO!!!

F/Xwords being drawn

MAIDS:Hiiiyaaa!

F/Xwords against metal, shouts, lasers, machine guns etc. Erroneous ruler twanging noise somewhere in the middle of it all

VIOLET:Magnetic dustpan and brush bomb! Everyone down!

ROBOToes not compute! Does not compute!

F/X:Big explosion & giant robot falling to bits

VIOLET:Cool!

JEFF:The boffin!

LORELEI: Oh no! He's bleeding to death from the missing arm! Jeff, one of your cyborg implants is a first aid module. Quick!

JEFFK, right...erm...I've got a plaster. (BIG PAUSE) It's not working!

SCIENTIST: (GROAN)

LORELEI: He's trying to say something. What is it? Why were they torturing you?

SCIENTIST: (GROAN) You must....(COUGH) you have to...uuurrggh.

LORELEI: Were you working on something to help defeat the invaders?

SCIENTIST: You have to find... (GROAN, COUGH) find the MacGuffin Device. It's Earth's only hope.

LORELEI: What is the MacGuffin Device? Where do we find it?

SCIENTIST: It's...(COUGH)...it's...it's...uuurrrggghh!

LORELEI: He's dead.

And that's all I've written so far. I haven't done any editing yet either.

The title alone should get this made.

Haven't read it yet, but will.

Quote: bigfella @ September 15 2009, 9:59 PM BST

The title alone should get this made.

View original

In fairness, I did come up with the title first and then worked from there.

Surely somebody must have an opinion?

Oh well, I'll post some more when I've written it anyway.

I think the first bit is the strongest and I'm not sure about your supermaid force. And I mean not sure if it's good or bad. Think I'd have to read more. I generally like the idea though and a great title which always helps. I do like the bit where he says I've lost my thread just kill her. Nice build up that one . Maybe few too many sound effects as they may end up getting in the way a bit? I'm sure this isn't the last draft anyway some food for thought there anyway.
*lights jets under heels and takes off*

Agree with Roscoff, a great start with good use of sound to add humour but it doesn't maintain although the laughs are still there, but that may be because the opening impact is so strong.

The secret base opening VO is good but then Lorelei almost immediately recapitulates the joke which dilutes it. I'd remove the difficulties with finding the secret base from the VO and let Lorelei cover that joke.

V/O: Elsewhere in London a small, secret band of secret freedom fighters opposes the invaders. Secretly orchestrating their secret plans from a secret base in a very secret location.

So it's not completely shit. That's good to know, cheers guys.

I think you're right about the secret location joke, thanks for that. I'll see what I can do to make the first appearance of the maids a bit stronger.

And once I've got my sketches for RFTP4 out of the way, I'll have a go at some more of this.

I'm going to sound like a suck-up after the previous posts but I thought it was f-in shithot. I thought it started strong but then stayed strong throughout with good lines throughout (the bit with the thumbs is quality) If that's your first shot at it I'd say it's got real potential.