HUW EDWARDS SAT AT DESK WITH ULTRA SERIOUS FACE.
HUW EDWARDS
Good evening, I'm Huw Edwards. A recent rise in knife crime across the UK has resulted in the highest recorded levels of fear in human beings since WWII, a poll by the daily mail has found. The study also reported that 91% of children under 13 carry a knife to school and of the 16 teachers polled some admitted taking nunchucks, knuckle dusters and even grenades to school. Their fear levels were measured and a similar average was found compared to the national average of 89 millilitres of cortisol per pigloom of blood. [HE PUSHES HIS EAR PIECE AS IF SOMEONE IS RELAYING A MESSAGE; SERIOUS FACE CHANGES TO LIGHT AND CHEERY] Ok, in lighter news we'll go to Susannah Streeter who is in the year 2030 with the newly crowned oldest man in Britain.
HOSPITAL: FX. WE HEAR THE BEEPING OF A HEART MONITOR. BERT PLAYED BY A 30 YEAR OLD MAN.
SUSANNAH
Yes, thank Hew, with me at the moment is Bert Johnson who has just turned 140, making him, officially, the oldest ever person beating the previous title holder Manjoor Babalabbi. So Bert, first of all Happy Birthday!
BERT
Meh.
SUSANNAH
Bert, you look so good for your age, you barely look a day over 30 [BEAT]. What's the secret to reaching the big 1.4.0? Healthy eating? Exercise?
BERT
Oh no, none of that, I've treated myself like dirt. Stem cells, that's what's kept me going. I had my first treatment in 2015, my second one in 2018 and then my last dose was in 2030 when I officially died, but the doctors put a great big dose straight into my bonce and brought me back. [SUSANNAH TRIES TO INTERJECT] And after all that in 2035 I got cloned so I could have the other me's liver, because I'd really hit the bottle in my 120's.
SUSANNAH
Wow, you've been through all of that but you've still managed to get to 140, that's amazing. So how does it feel to be 140?
BERT
Bloody awful. All my friends are dead, I've got so many relatives I dread Christmas because it nearly bankrupts me and I haven't left my hover wheelchair in 10 years.
SUSANNAH
But you're the oldest person who's ever lived that really must feel incredible.
BERT
No, you're not listening to me, it's awful. My nurse is stealing from me, the only time I ever see my kids is by hologram-cam and I can't even have fish and chips anymore because all the bloody cod's run out.
SUSANNAH
Amazing, 140 years old. Well, thanks for talking to us Bert. Let's go back to... [BERT FLOPS FORWARD; WE HEAR THE SOUND OF HEART MONITOR FLATLINING] Bert? Bert? [QUICKLY] Back to Hew in the newsroom!
END OF SKETCH