For radio..
SIRE
I'm a wealthy man, Hernassa, and I will pay well for your services. I have, that is to say, I –
HERNASSA
Go on, Sire.
SIRE
I have a problem Hernassa, I have a problem atop my head.
HERNASSA
Ah, the curse of the newly knighted. Past regret will anchor positive thought. Fear not, we shall speak on't. You will have a good night's sleep yet, that is the sleep of a good knight. The Evil Eye? Does it watch over you? Has over ambition wiggled its tip, a dagger visible only to you? Does guilt scald your innards as you retch the guilt of wanton pillage?
SIRE
No, I'm bald.
HERNASSA
So you are.
SIRE
Yes, well...
HERNASSA
Big shiny head
SIRE
I'm tired of it. 'Tis unnatural. 'Tis –
HERNASSA
Ah but it's quite natural for, say, a fish.
SIRE
A fish?
HERNASSA
Do not let the pressures of power push your mind closed; we find it difficult to look outside of ourselves no matter what our status –
SIRE
I'm not a fish.
HERNASSA
Very well then. What do you desire?
SIRE
Well I would have thought that to be obvious, you sagging old sack. Hair!
HERNASSA
Right. We could try tying together several newts and threading – oh, could you not just wear your helmet?
SIRE
No.
HERNASSA
I see. Then I will have to consult the charts.
SIRE
Charging me by the second no doubt.
HERNASSA
Here!
SIRE
What?
HERNASSA
The answer.
SIRE
Excellent.
HERNASSA
My grandmother, a powerful sage, warrior and wife, used all of her powers to convince a squirrel to set up home atop Ethelred the Folically Dispriviledged. All he had to do was get no closer than two hundred paces to another person and the illusion would hold firm.
SIRE
I see. Well I will not pay for this goat's logic. 'Tis not fair that encrusted peasants like yourself stand with your filthy heads covered with hair whilst I make do with barely a hairline. I want potions woman, not fairy tales.
HERNASSA
Fine. Right. Eye of Newt?
SIRE
That's better
HERNASSA
Lung of platypus?
SIRE
Chuck it in.
HERNASSA
Bollock of Ocelot?
SIRE
The more the merrier.
F/XSWISH. OCELOT YELPS.
HERNASSA
Right. Drink it.
F/XGULPING
SIRE
Yuck. Disgusting stuff. It certainly tastes like it should work. Will it?
HERNASSA
Possibly.
F/XCOINS TOSSED ONTO TABLE
SIRE
There you are. If it doesn't work I'll be back, demanding something with a bit more bite for my coin. Understood?
HERNASSA
It will give me the greatest of pleasures, Sire.