Topicals 30/8/2009

LAURA (DUTCH GIRL) IS ABOUT TO WALK OFF THE STAGE SHE IS STOPPED BY 2 SOCIAL WORKERS (JAN AND MARIA)

JAN
Are you Laura Dekker? Fearless 13 year old Dutch girl explorer planning to sail the world singlehanded?

LAURA
Yes now get out of my way. I'm going to do more solo than Gordon Brown releasing Libyan terrorists!

MARIA
Stop young woman we can't let you go.

LAURA
Why? I'm a good sailor, I'm fearless. I ignore more danger than a Harringay social worker.

JAN
It is not the danger young Laura. We Dutch are a civilised people and how will you get the essentials of life?

LAURA
I have tins of beans and a calor gas heater. I may produce more hotair than David Cameron discussing tax cuts but I'll be fine.

JAN
No the essentials of life for a Dutch teenager.

MARIA
Porn, sex and marijuana.

LAURA SHOWS THEM A MAP.

LAURA
Look I'll stay with in 2 hours helicopter flight of Jamaica or Ibiza if I need to get stoned or f**ked I'll just let off a flare.

JAN
Thanks goodness now hurry Jan we're helping Belgian social services.

MARIA
Tin Tin and Captain Haddock are getting married.

LAURA
So what they love each other?

JAN
Tin Tin's already married to Captain Bird'seye bigamy is still a crime.

DAVID CAMERON IS TALKING TO WILLIAM HAGUE.

WILLIAM
David I have it, the very Achille's heel of the Labour party. The one cabinet member who filled in for Gordon Brown who people liked.

DAVID
Ah good work; my bulb headed, Gollum look alike. So who is it?

WILLIAM
I think they're Japanese. They're called No body. They were running the country for one weekend in August.

DAVID SMACKS WILLIAM ROUND THE HEAD.

DAVID
God William you're such a dim bulb head even Greenpeace wouldn't stick you in a socket. Nobody was in charge. It was between Harman and Straws time in the big chair.

WILLIAM
Ouch master. But nobody was hugely popular; nobody let terrorists out, nobody ruined the exam system or forgot to invite the Queen to the D Day celebrations. No body in that government is a political genius.

DAVID
For the last time nobody was in charge of the country. Christ this is like talking to Thatcher.

WILLIAM
Oh come on David this nobody is ready to cross the floor and join the conservatives. Aparently nobody thinks we've changed, nobody thinks we're better than labour and nobody likes me.

DAVID
Look you dimwit nobody is a nobody.

WILLIAM
I wouldn't say that nobody might join the Liberal party. Aparently nobody knows who they are and nobody cares about them.

DAVINA MACALL IS ON STAGE WITH JENNY AND PETE WHO ARE ON CHAIRS HAVING A MEETING.

DAVINA
Hello and welcome to Big Brother 12 woo! Now will Jenny head of new programing at channel 4 shag Pete chief executive under a table with a wine bottle!

JANE
Davina sit down the program is over!

DAVINA
You're live on channel please don't swear!

PETE
Davina the show is over. It's for you to go back to what ever it is you did before Big Brother.

DAVINA
This weeks task not cancelling the bestest TV in the world ever! You want to win don't you!

JANE
If you embarass us we'll deal with you...Jade Goody style.

DAVINA SIT'S DOWN

DAVINA
Not that. I'll be good. But why are you cancelling Big Brother, everyone loves it. Heat readers, idiots, annoying office bores who everyone hates.

JANE
Channel 4 is changing. We want to be the new BBC, a home for intelligent public service broadcasting.

PETE
There'll still be room for intelligent, thoughtful reality TV which teaches us about who we are.

DAVINA
Ok can I help present this thoughtful, intelligent reality TV? Every one loves their aunty Davina, I am the nations MILF.

JANE
No we have a presenter. For our newest show "How clean is your minge?"

JORDAN WALKS ON

JORDAN
My minge is pretty f**king clean Pete's 3 inch cock didn't get past the flaps.