For radio -
(The PATRON is eating throughout)
WAITER
Have you finished here?
PATRON
Yep.
WAITER
I'll just take this away.
PATRON
That's my eighth plate.
WAITER
I know Sir, we keep count.
PATRON
(chokes a little) Oh. Did that get you?
WAITER
A little.
PATRON
You 'All-You-Can-Eat' places should shut up shop when you see me coming.
WAITER
(insincere laughter)
PATRON
Look at this. All of your other guests gone, and me here, still eating. When do you close?
WAITER
We've closed, Sir.
PATRON
Ha! Then how do you propose to get me out.
WAITER
Some sort of fork lift truck, I imagine.
PATRON
Excuse me?
WAITER
We have our ways, Sir.
PATRON
Ha. Look at all the chefs, standing there around the room. Watching. I bet you lot hate me, don't you?
WAITER
You have no idea.
PATRON
Sharpening their knives, rubbing their stomachs.
WAITER
They're hungry too.
PATRON
Well I'm going to get another plate.
WAITER
I'm afraid you're not, Sir.
PATRON
I knew it! I have the terms and conditions right here. I printed them out. You cannot close until I've eaten as much...what are you doing? What's that?
WAITER
Kindling, Sir.
PATRON
What?
WAITER
Well we did see you coming, actually. From really quite far away. We prepared your seat especially.
PATRON
What? What's under here? What are all these branches doing under my chair?
WAITER
Waiting, Sir. If you can just lift your arms.
PATRON
Why? What are you doing to me?
WAITER
Basting, Sir.
PATRON
You can't go round basting customers. I know my rights.
WAITER
We haven't kept you in a cage, Sir, and you've been fed on Michelin quality food. In honesty, we're marketing you as free range.
(FX - A whoosh of flame)
PATRON
Argh!!!! It's boiling.
WAITER
Roasting, actually Sir.
(BEAT)
PATRON
(Excited) Is that an ice-cream machine?
