Bin Magic

A radio sketch

F/X Rustling of plastic bag. Lifting of lid.

GENIE
Argh!

MAN
Argh!

GENIE
I'm a genie!

MAN
You're a hobo. Get out of my bin.

GENIE
No, honest. I'm a Genie. I can grant three wishes. Three refuse-related wishes.

MAN
If you were a Genie, you'd live in a lamp.

GENIE
Nah, no lamps. All that electric current has turned my love spuds into Smash.

MAN
Well wish yourself some better ones.

GENIE
(Shouting) It doesn't work like that, does it?! Look, I offer waste-based goodness. Either close the lid or make a wish.

MAN
Get out of my bin.

GENIE
Seriously, that would be the shittest first wish ever.

MAN
Alright, I'll have all the money in the world.

GENIE
You're aiming too high; I live in a bin. How about an egg? Do you like this egg?

MAN
No; I threw it out.

GENIE
There's another egg in here somewhere.

F/X
Sound of bin lorry approaches.

MAN
Listen, hobo, the bin lorry's coming. You're going to have to get out.

GENIE
Mate, I'm a genie. A gassy shadow. The metal teeth will passed through my ethereal shimmer and I will still be here. I will remain. Your genie, in your bin. Urgh! What's that?

MAN
Bolognaise; the bag's bust

F/X Dragging sound

GENIE
Bloody hell, I'm moving!

MAN
It's the lorry, get out of there.

GENIE
I can't!

MAN
I can't hold you!

GENIE
Help! Help!

MAN
What can I do?

GENIE
Argggggggghhhhhhhh

MAN
I wish you'd just get out of there!

F/X The metal jaws continue to grind

MAN
Oh, God, no.

BEAT

GENIE
Well that was close, you mortal bastard.

That is ace but I have no idea what happens in the last third.

Bugger it - me neither. I haven't come up with owt in a week.

Glad you like the essence though - really need to sort that ending out though.

Cheers SootyJJJJJJJJ (for all those forgotten 'J's)

The first 2 thirds made me laugh, it's a lovely idea and the refuse related wishes was brilliant.

Good stuff Sooty - now

end it for me!!

Go on, you know you want to.

It was funny but not enough to inspire suicide.

How ever I'd end it with.

MAN
I wish you'd just f**k off and die.

GENIE
Die horribly?

MAN
Yes

SOUND OF GENIE BEING CRUSHED TO DEATH.

GENIE
Happy to oblige!

Maybe do a Gilbert Ratchet. The man is badgered into picking a refuse-related wish, for something that sounds alright, but the genie gives him something shit that sounds similar or is too literal or something. Maybe.

Or you could go political. Are there any wheelie bin jokes in the zeitgeist?

Ooh - interesting AND you've pointed out why it wasn't clear. I'd thought the man couldn't get out of the bin so he was being dragged to his doom. Nonsense, of course.

Ta very much

Ta to you too Kevin. Maybe the crushing death thing isn't the punchline after all.

I want a dirty bird with an attractive pussy.

There you go sir a dead seagull and a rotten cat that's attracting flies.

Good idea, Rick. Needs at least one refuse-related wish gag in middle and a stronger ending.

Nice one.

I agree that ending is cack and I'm missing that joke in the middle.

Cheers SootyJ - I'm gonna ram a seagull in there somewhere. Mind you, I say that about everything.

Rick - I Looooved this, the dialogue was so realistic, can't wait for the re-write!

Reminded me of the story in the papers recently about a guy (I think in Brighton) who fell asleep and got crushed after a night out, what a terrible way to go.

Heard about that too - tragic stuff, your death always remembered as a joke.

Ta - I'm still working on that damned ending

Agree the ending could be honed, but overall is ace! The below made me laugh out loud.

GENIE
Seriously, that would be the shittest first wish ever.

MAN
Alright, I'll have all the money in the world.

GENIE
You're aiming too high; I live in a bin. How about an egg? Do you like this egg?

MAN
No; I threw it out.

GENIE
There's another egg in here somewhere.

I enjoyed this. Although agree with comments about the end.

Maybe you could have a series of sketches of the Genie popping out of strange places.

The Fridge, The Washing Machine, The Toliet Bowl etc.