For those unfamiliar with Bob Newhart, he created sketches where we just hear HIS side of a telephone conversation. I imagined someone calling Bob Newhart and think it may have gone something like this:
[Obviously, my lines are interspersed with pauses commensurate with the unheard responses]
-------------------------
Hello, is this Bob Newhart?....
Oh, hello Mr Newhart. I hope you don't mind me contacting you, I'm calling.....
Replacement windows? No, no, I assure you Mr Newhart, I'm not trying to sell you anything, I just wanted to.....
Yes, I know. Unsolicited home improvement 'phone calls piss me off too....
Erm, actually, they probably DON'T have anything better to do with their time....
Fourteen windows? Well, that sounds like quite a place you have there. Anyway, Mr Newhart, I'm a great fan of your comedy work and in fact, a member of the Bob Newhart fan club and wondered....
No, I don't remember my membership number off the top of my head, I've moved house a couple of times and.....why do you ask?....
Merchandise? Er, well, I have a signed black & white photo......
Forgive me, Mr Newhart, I had no idea such riches were available.....
Well, yes, who wouldn't want a luminous keyring?.......and those 'Mug-Shot' mugs sound really cool........ absolutely! You can't have too many mouse-mats. Look, Mr Newhart, I really admire your comedy work and simply wondered if you'd be prepared to give me some writing tips....
My favourite Bob Newhart piece? Well, there's so many, but I'd say it's 'The Introduction of Tobacco to Civilization' it always makes me laugh, I particularly like the bit where....
Was that you laughing! I thought there was some kind of interference on the line.....
No, that's OK Mr Newhart, get your breath back. I'd really like to know what you call your style of writing for such classics as 'The Driving Instructor' and 'Defusing a Bomb'...
Well, I appreciate cursive is a style of writing.......yes, it is a lot classier than block capitals, but I meant the genre of the pieces where the audience hears one side of a telephone conversation.....
A-a 'One-Sided Telephone Conversation'. Yeah, that's um, that's....Mr Newhart, I was really hoping to be able to meet you and pick up a few writing tips from the 'man himself'.....
When I said the 'man himself', I mean you, Mr Newhart, not....
Well, you are indeed a God when it comes to comedy. But is there any chance that I could pay you a visit to discuss.....
You would? Great, thanks, I'd love to....
Yes, I have your address and I can be there tomorrow at 2p.m. I must say how grateful I am that you've agreed to see me.....
Yes, of course I'll bring the money for the keyring,.....OK, LUMINOUS keyring, mug and....
What? No, that's OK, a blue mouse-mat would have been my choice anyway....
What's that?....a quote for replacing fourteen windows?....
Yep....yep....OK, brown woodgrain effect it is. Perhaps I can measure up for a conservatory whilst I'm there? We have a special offer.....
OK Mr Newhart, look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Thanks, bye now.
END
Great sketch! Loved it. My favourite part was the keychain.