SKIT COMP 19-26.8.9

WHAT A COMP! Congrats to... STEVE SUNSHINE for winnin'! That's 10 points and the chance to PM me for next week's subject please. Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

7!!!! - 10 - Fred Sunshine
2 - 5 - Cool Mikado
1 - 1 - Geoff Mutton, Leevil, N Putters, Nigel Kelly

Your new subject: You can toss (tee hee) between WRITING or ECOLOGY (Chosen by Mr Sunshine).
Rules:
One entry per person.Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.08

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

103 - Frankie
101 - Chris Forshaw
98 - Fred Peters
88 - Cool Mikado
82 - Charley Rance
74 - Otterfox
74 - Nigel Kelly
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
56 - Timbo
51 - Fred Sunshine
55 - Michael Monkhouse
35 - Afinkawan
31 - Paul Watson
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
23 - Leevil
22 - Swerytd
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom G
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Roscoff
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Geoff Mutton
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Bushbaby
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Badge
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
o5 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
03 - Nil Putters
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Craig H
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a twot, so PM me. Thanks...

ECO CAVEMEN - a short sketch

CAVEMEN – CAMERON AND MILLIBAND - SIT AROUND A RAGING FIRE. LOTS OF TYPICAL CAVEMAN NOISES LIKE GRUNTING AND THAT SORT OF THING ARE HEARD. CAMERON PUTS MORE WOOD ON THE FIRE AND HITS HE HEAD WITH A CLUB.

MILLIBAND:
What you do, Cameron?

CAMERON:
Me make fire, Milliband. Me cold.

MILLIBAND:
No - no fire! Fire bad. Think of dinosaurs.

CAMERON:
What dinosaurs?

MILLIBAND:
Exactly. Dinosaurs all gone. And weather bad. First, no rain for ages then rain long time. Not normal. Not right. And land disappear by sea that come and wash it away and that why no fire.

CAMERON LOOKS CONFUSED AND BASHES HIS HEAD WITH HIS CLUB

MILLIBAND (POINTING) Greenhouse effect.

END

TV Editors office. Editor and writer are discussing the writer's script.

WRITER
But it's crucial that the lead character is a female.

EDITOR
But that'd mean we can't use David Jason.

WRITER
Ok. But why can't it be set in London?

EDITOR
Oh, darling, we wouldn't have such characters down south. I suggest Manchester.

WRITER
What about the era then? You're saying that it can't work in a futuristic setting.

EDITOR
There are too many sci-fi dramas at present. I suggest we set it in the seventies.

WRITER
And you don't like the idea of it being set in a hospital.

EDITOR
Fraid not. I think….er….Police would be better.

WRITER
Can we agree on the title I chose? 'Life In The Future'

EDITOR
Well, not now that we've changed the era. I recommend we use, 'Life on Mars'
Yes, I'm sure that would work.

WRITER
So in effect it's nothing at all as I first wrote it.

EDITOR
That's right. I'd be out of a job otherwise. Now, what else have you brought?

WRITER
This ream of blank paper. Perhaps you'll give me some advise

INT. HOTEL LOUNGE - EVENING

FOLLOWING A SEMINAR ON THE FUTURE OF ENERGY, THREE DELEGATES ARE CHATTING OVER DRINKS. THEY ARE G, REPRESENTING GREENPEACE, W, REPRESENTING THE WORLD WILDLIFE ORGANIZATION AND F, REPRESENTING FRIENDS OF THE EARTH.

G: Politicians, eh? They just don't understand how their energy policies impact on this world.

F: Hugely damaging to Mother Earth.

W: Renewable energy? Millions of pounds are spent on research and development and what do we get? Wind turbines!

F: And solar panels.

W: And those snaky contraptions in the sea to harness wave energy.

G: Sadly, the huge emissions from manufacturing each of those things outweighs any ecological benefits.

W: And yet more emissions from transporting and installing them!

G: [TUTS] Beggars belief! [SHAKES HEAD]

F: Here's a thought,....why don't our three organizations unite on this issue? The Kyoto conference is coming up and if we could speak with one voice...

G: Well, we all have similar goals....

W: You mean the Tokyo conference, don't you?

F: No, Kyoto.

W: Ah, right. [BEAT] Maybe my P.A. isn't dyslexic then.

F: Just imagine, [POINTS AS APPROPRIATE] Friends of the Earth, Greenpeace and the World Wildlife Organization...., that's some serious clout.

G AND W MAKE NOISES OF AGREEMENT

W: We could jointly launch an awareness campaign. What's the best media to use to give us maximum global coverage?

G: How about TV?

F; We, at Friends of the Earth, strongly disagree with all current forms of electricity generating, so TV is not an eco-friendly media.

W: Right, so nothing electronic then. Hmm, that also rules out radio, e-mail and texts. [BEAT] What about mailshots?

F: Mailing is now a largely mechanized process. Not to mention the emissions caused by distribution....lorries, trains, planes, boats....

G: Greenpeace has a boat.

F: [ASIDE TO G] But yours is for a good cause.

W: So we can't consider newspapers either, for the same production and distribution reasons.

PAUSE

G: Could we not use carrier pigeons? Or better still, symbolic white doves?

W: No, the World Wildlife Organization cannot condone the exploitation of animals for the benefit of humans.

F: So,...looks like word of mouth is the only option then.

G: Yeah, we're kind of stymied.

W: Heisted by our own petard.

F: In a cleft stick.

G: [DRINKING UP] Well, it was a quaint idea. Can I offer anyone a lift? I've got the chopper at the City Heliport.

W: [PUTTING ON COAT] I'll pass, I only live a few minutes walk away.

F: Thanks, but I've got the Hummer in the car park.

G: Hey, nice coat!

W: Thanks, it's Sealskin, I can get you one if you like.

END

INT.PUB.DAY

A WRITER IS SITTING AT A TABLE SCRIBBLING ON A PAD WITH A PINT IN FRONT OF HIM. A TYPICAL LOOKING GEEZER IS STANDING WATCHING HIM

GEEZER
Leftie!

WRITER (looking up)
Sorry?

GEEZER
Left handed. Leftie

WRITER
No, actually I'm right handed…

GEEZER
My old man was left handed

WRITER
But…

GEEZER
Used to love football he did, what team do you support?

WRITER
Er, I don't really, I prefer watching the England international games more to be honest with you

GEEZER
Dumbarton! What are you, a jock then?

WRITER
No…

GEEZER
My old man was a jock. Have you ever been to Canada?

WRITER
No

GEEZER
Really! Whereabouts'?

WRITER
Look sorry, will you excuse me only I'm trying to get this finished and it's sort of important, I don't want to be rude or anything

JUST THEN AN OLDER MAN CARRYING A PINT IN EACH HAND APPROACHES THEM AND HANDS ONE OF THE PINTS TO THE GEEZER

OLDER MAN
There you go boy

GEEZER
Cheers Dad, this is Samantha, she played the early teenage Latika in the film Slumdog Millionaire

OLDER MAN
Blimey, hats off to you Philippe, there's no way in hell you'd get me anywhere near those bulls in Pamplona

THE OLDER MAN TAKES A SWIG OF DRINK AND NOTICES THAT THE WRITER HAS A PEN IN HIS HAND

OLDER MAN
Soooooo, you're a leftie are you?

TITLE: CIRCOLIUM

EXT. DAY.

PRESENTER:
...ha ha ha and that's how to swing a crow under the influence. Next up we have Ernie Wasp who says he is going to revolutionise the future of travel with his latest invention which he calls a 'Circolium'.
Ernie, explain this new invention of yours.

HE TURNS TO HIS LEFT BUT ERNIE APPEARS FROM THE RIGHT.

ERNIE:
Yes I really feel this is going to take off in a big way. The Circolium will take you anywhere you want to go. It doesn't require petrol or diesel and in todays world we should be doing what we can to save the environment.

PRESENTER:
But how does it work? Can you show us?

ERNIE:
Sure.

ERNIE PICKS UP WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A WHEEL FROM A BIKE. HE PUSHES IT ALONG AND RUNS ALONG BESIDE IT.

ERNIE:
You see.... It takes you where-ever you want to go and if you're only a beginner it's lightweight so you can carry it until you get used to it. I can see this taking over from the car as the number 1 mode of tranport.

PRESENTER:
Are you sure its taking you. It looks like you are taking it.

ERNIE:
No, no, no. I'm following the Circolium. Here, hop on, have a go.

PRESENTER:
Hop on?! To what?! You're carrying a wheel under your arm!

ERNIE:
(INDIGNANT) Yeah. At first. I havent mastered it yet. Plus, this is just a prototype.

PRESENTER:
So your prototype is something that has been around for thousands of years.

ERNIE:
(Sarcastic) What, so the wheel was around in the 1700's?

PRESENTER:
Yes.

ERNIE:
..................Yeah but this is a Circolium.

PRESENTER THROWS HIS HEAD BACK IN DISMAY.

END.

HANDWRITING

INT. - HEADMASTER'S STUDY - DAY

A BOY - JENKINS - ENTERS.

HEAD
Sit down Jenkins. I'm sure you know what this is about.

JENKINS
No, sir.

THE HEAD PICKS UP AN EXERCISE BOOK AND TAPS IT.

HEAD
Your writing.

JENKINS
But I've got the best handwriting in the school sir!

THE HEAD LOOKS AT A PAGE OF THE BOOK ADMIRINGLY.

HEAD
Yes, it is very good. Easy on the eye. Attractive. Persuasive. But it isn't just how you write, it's what you write.

JENKINS
Is it my spelling?

HEAD
No, it's not your (LOOKS AT BOOK) spalling.

JENKINS
So... it's going to be about Mr Smith is it sir?

HEAD
Yes it is going to be about Mr Smith. Like this piece: (READING FROM EXERCISE BOOK) "He is a bummer and a total shit. (BEAT) Like."

JENKINS GRABS THE EXERCISE BOOK.

JENKINS
Good writing isn't it? Cursive style.

HEAD
Jenkins, if anything, this is curse-ive style. What about this bit: "He f**ks boys in the fart-hole".

JENKINS
Nice calligraphy. I have a flourish with my Fs.

HEAD
I'm sure we'd all like a good flourish with our Fs, but you give yourself more opportunities than most. More to the point, everything you have written about Mr Smith is totally untrue, and you know it!

JENKINS
That's not fair sir!

HEAD
Jenkins, as you well know, Mr Smith is dead.

JENKINS LOOKS SHEEPISH.

HEAD (CONT'D)
And he has been since 2B gave him a heart attack. Two years ago. You were in 2B at the time!

JENKINS
But you can't libel the dead!

HEAD
Who told you that?

JENKINS
Mr Smith.

HEAD
(SADLY) He was a good teacher. (BEAT) Look, Jenkins, I'm prepared to do a deal. You do a job for me, and we'll forget all this nonsense about Mr Smith, how does that sound?

JENKINS
(NERVOUSLY) Depends...

HEAD
I have a very important letter to write. Of a personal nature. Something that needs to be easy on the eye. Attractive. Persuasive. If I dictate...?

JENKINS
(RELIEVED) Deal!

THE HEAD PLACES A PRISTINE SHEET OF PAPER IN FRONT OF JENKINS. JENKINS TAKES A PEN FROM HIS POCKET.

JENKINS (CONT'D)
Ready!

THE HEAD CLEARS HIS THROAT.

HEAD
"Dear John..."

END

EXT. DAY. ROAD.

CLOSE-UP OF SUIT WEARING MAN'S HEAD AND SHOULDERS. HE IS WEARING A HELMET.

MAN:
Well, I must say this government initiative to keep our cars at home is a splendid idea. We reduce our carbon footprint, save on fuel bills and to cap it all we keep fit and healthy. (PAUSE) Damn, is the tyre flat? I forgot to bring a pump.

PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAN IS SITTING IN A WHEELBARROW PUSHED BY OTHER SUITED MAN.

OTHER MAN:
No, you need to move your arse towards me.

My vote goes to Nigel. A very good quickie.

INT. CLASSROOM - A SCHOOLBOY STANDS AT THE FRONT, CHALK IN HAND, BY THE BLACKBOARD; THERE ARE LINES AND LINES OF WRITING:

I burnt Pete's hair off.
I showed my sausage to Mrs Ali.
I electrocuted Mr Pepperbridge.
I tried to strangle my science partner.
I used Ms Diarra's hat as a toilet.
I made myself big in front of the first years.

AS HE FINISHES CHALKING UP HIS LAST ENTRY A TEACHER WALKS IN.

TEACHER
'What are you doing now Leon?!!'

LEON
'Well, you told me to write my wrongs.'

Otterfox

The Cool Mikado.

BushBaby.

Badge

The Cool Mikado