SCENE 1. INT. A PORN SET.
THE FAT, UGLY, SWEATY DIRECTOR IS TALKING TO HIS LEAD ACTRESS, MIRANDA, WHO IS IN HER DRESSING GOWN, STRIPPED FOR ACTION. LURKING IN THE BACKGROUND ARE TWO HUNKS, DEAN AND MALCOLM, ALSO IN THEIR DRESSING GOWNS.
DIRECTOR
Right, in this scene I want you to go down on Malcolm, and then, just as he is about to come, pull away, and we'll get the money shot full in the face. Oh, and while you're doing that, Dean will be ramming you up the arse. You all right with that?
MIRANDA
Not really, no.
DIRECTOR
I did warn you, luv, that this shoot would be full on.
MIRANDA
I got that. I am just not sure I understand my motivation.
DIRECTOR
Sorry?
MIRANDA
I don't have a feel for how I should be approaching the scene.
DIRECTOR
On all fours I should think. One either end.
DEAN
Actually I have problem with that position.
DIRECTOR
Burgling the brown bagel is not for everyone.
DEAN
It is not that. It's Malcolm. He keeps pulling faces to try and make me corpse.
MIRANDA
That is not very professional.
MALCOLM
Yeah, well, to be honest I have a problem taking this whole shoot seriously. I mean, this dialogue I have been given to work with: "Oh yeah, give it to me baby! You know how I like it, you filthy bitch."
DIRECTOR
So?
MALCOLM
It just doesn't feel like something my character would say.
MIRANDA
Exactly! There is no consistency. In the last scene my character was performing cunnithingymibus on the Avon Lady. Am I supposed to be conflicted as to my sexual orientation? Perhaps the result of some childhood trauma?
MALCOLM
Parental abuse, maybe? That would explain the constant self-defeating use of inappropriate sexual behaviour to attain affection and approval.
MIRANDA CLOSES HER EYES, IN DEEP CONCENTRATION, THEN OPENS THEM AGAIN.
MIRANDA
Yes, I could work with that. But really the whole story arc needs a rethink. Take the scene where I am being rimmed by the midget. I appreciate the importance of being inclusive, but I don't see how it fits with my character's personal journey.
DIRECTOR
It's just a bit of a giggle.
BRIAN (OOV)
Oi! I've got my dignity!
MIRANDA
(LOOKING DOWN)That's right, Brian. By the way, sorry about letting one go in rehearsal.
BRIAN (OOV)
That's all right. But maybe lay off the chilli.
DIRECTOR
Look, okay, I'll think about making some changes. But can we just get on?
CUT TO:
SCENE 2, INT. PORN SET.
WE ARE LOOKING THROUGH THE CAMERA LENS. MIRANDA AND MALCOLM ARE IN SHOT.
MIRANDA
Take me.
MIRANDA OPENS HER GOWN, REVEALING HERSELF TO MALCOLM.
MALCOLM STEPS FORWARD AND LAYS HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER.
MALCOLM
You don't have to do this, Miranda. You are a strong, capable woman, empowered to deal with the world on your own terms.
MIRANDA
All I have ever wanted is to be accepted and loved for myself.
MALCOLM
Go back to Brian. That little guy really loves you.
MIRANDA SMILES AND DABS A TEAR FROM HER EYE.
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR (OOV)
That's a wrap.
THE SHOT OPENS UP TO SHOW THE WHOLE SET. THE CAST AND CREW ARE MILLING ABOUT, TALKING AMONG THEMSELVES.
IN THE CORNER THE DIRECTOR SITS CURLED IN A BALL, WHIMPERING.
END.
