I found this old sketch. Quite like it and it's easily filmable (sp??). Any thoughts?
Thanks team!
A scene is being shot for a film. We cut periodically to the director (Simon) who is happy with what he's seeing.
Peter the actor
Listen to me. You can't just expect me to get rid of the body after one night with you.
Lisa the actor
Can't I?
Peter the actor
(applauding) Oh bravo, you think you've got it all worked out don't you? You think I'm-
Stewart
(coming in ruining the scene) No. I'm sorry, no. That won't do. That was bloody awful.
Simon
What the..? Who the hell is -(he sees Stewart) Oh Christ it's him again.
Stewart
(to Peter) What were you doing?
Peter the actor
That was alright, wasn't it? (he looks to Simon)
Stewart
I'll be the judge of that matey! And no it wasn't. That was not the way we rehearsed it.
Simon
Stewart, can I have a word.
Stewart
Sure. (Simon and Stewart walk over to a quiet part of the set). Sorry about that appalling performance Simon. I trained with him for hours to get that right-
Simon
This has got to stop.
Stewart
You're right. I'll do more training with him. We'll crack it, don't you worry Simon. The next time that idiot claps it'll be perfect. Well, as near as perfect as that gibbon can get
Simon
It was fine! I don't want you calling cut on my set again.
Stewart
(aghast) When you hired me as a clapping consultant I thought 'finally we can get clapping done as it should be'.
Simon
Stewart, I-
Stewart
(almost frothing) Every movie I see the clapping is wrong, wrong, wrong!! It's clichéd, it's showy and it's not pure.
Simon
Stewart! It was fine. No one's going to notice. No one gives a shit about clapping!
Stewart
(horrified pause) What did you just say?
Simon
People clap in film (he claps) no one notices-
Stewart
(trying to direct him) no..no keep your wrists straight
Simon
Leave it! I want you off the set. Hiring a clapping consultant…what was I thinking?
Stewart
Please Simon. Give me another chance the clapping will be the talk of the movie. Every review will note how perfect it is.
Simon
No Stewart. This is the last straw. I don't want to see you on my set anymore. (he exits)
Stewart
(after a moment, menacingly) I'll show you, I'll show you all!