Tudor Troops

Tilbury, Essex, 19th August 1588

Two troops are showing little interest in her motivational words and are chatting away.

Jack : Why haven't we got any decent weapons then?

Allan : That's a quality pitch fork that this. And I've sharpened my wooden stake to razor point.

Jack: Not going to stop twenty thousand, musket bearing fanatical Spaniards though are they? Some Golden Age this is.

Allan: Oh I don't know. At least things are better than when old mad Mary was on the throne.

Jack: I used to like a good burning me.

Allan: Times have moved on. We have the whole new world at our feet now.

Jack: Have you tried potato?

Allan: Can't afford it. Had some tobacco though, goes really well with chicken.

Elizabeth 1 : Let tyrants fear, I have always so behaved myself that, under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and safeguard in the loyal hearts and good-will of my subjects

Jack: She does speak well I'll give her that.

Allan: I'd give more than that...if you know what I mean.

Jack: Not a chance – what have we named that new colony? Virginia!

Allan: They say they Earl of Leicester has managed to pick the tudor rose.

Jack: Well I hope he got some colour in her cheeks. Look how white she is.

Elizabeth 1 : therefore I am come amongst you, as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live and die amongst you all;

Jack: You know I wouldn't mind if the Spanish won. These Tudors have done nothing to improve my life. I'm still poor, still forced to fight, still not allowed to hunt deer or kill swans, still have to go to church on Sundays, still pay taxes, still live in squalor, kids still got no education,

Elizabeth 1 : I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a King.

Allan: Bloody hell, medical care has advanced though.

Nice punch and gently amusing throughout, but I just feel it needs a bit more zing to it. I think maybe you need to squeeze the jokes more to get a bit more juice out of them.

A couple of examples:

"I used to like a good burning me. "

could become:

"I used to like a good burning me. A day out for all the family."

Or

"Not a chance – what have we named that new colony? Virginia! "

could become:

"Fat chance. The new colony is called Virginia, right? Not Partslegsland".

Maybe not great lines, but hopefully you get what I am driving at.

I do, cheers Timbo. First sketch I've written in months, I'm out of practice.

Some nice lines but seems to lack focus. Almost like its part of a scene from a sitcom.

And I suppose it was wrong of me to imagine them with Welsh accents?

This made me lol

Jack: Have you tried potato?

Allan: Can't afford it. Had some tobacco though, goes really well with chicken.

Little edit based on Timbo thoughts.

Tilbury, Essex, 19th August 1588

Two troops are showing little interest in the greatest motivational speech in history and are chatting away.

Jack : Why haven't we got any decent weapons then?

Allan : That's a quality pitch fork that this. And I've sharpened my wooden stake to razor point.

Jack: Not going to stop twenty thousand, musket bearing fanatical Spaniards though are they? Some Golden Age this is.

Allan: Oh I don't know. At least things are better than when mad Mary was on the throne.

Jack: I used to like a good burning me. Used to take the kids. Until my eldest starting poking the heretics with his stick. I said to him don't do that he won't to come here again.

Allan: Times have moved on. We have the whole new world at our feet now.
Jack: Have you tried potato?

Allan: Can't afford it. Had some tobacco though, goes really well with chicken.

Elizabeth 1 : Let tyrants fear, I have always so behaved myself that, under God, I have placed my chiefest strength and safeguard in the loyal hearts and good-will of my subjects

Jack: She does speak well for a redhead, I'll give her that.

Allan: I'd give more than that...if you know what I mean.

Jack: No chance – what have we named that new colony? It's Virginia, not Slagina.

Allan: They say they Earl of Leicester has managed to pick her tudor rose.

Jack: Well I hope he got some colour in her cheeks. Look how white she is.

Elizabeth 1 : therefore I am come amongst you, as you see, at this time, not for my recreation and disport, but being resolved, in the midst and heat of the battle, to live and die amongst you all;

Jack: You know I wouldn't mind if the Spanish won. These Tudors have done nothing to improve my life. I'm still poor, still forced to fight, still not allowed to hunt deer, still have to go to church on Sundays, still pay taxes, still live in squalor, kids still got no education,

Elizabeth 1 : I know I have the body but of a weak and feeble woman; but I have the heart and stomach of a King.

Jack: Bloody hell, medical care has advanced though.