Jesus and Satan

Jesus and Satan are sitting in 'no man's land'. Both sitting down having a fag.

Both nod at each other.

JESUS: Alright-

SATAN: Aright.

JESUS: How's business?

SATAN: Not bad, You?

JESUS: Ah, so so...it's quietened down a bit now though, everyone's on holiday...it'll pick up again in the winter, when this pig flue thing hits hard.

SATAN: I've got a few coming in soon...Biggs, and that Lockerbie tosser. Il stick him on 'full heat' for a 100 years I reckon.

JESUS: Yeah...I would, well, you know what I mean.

SATAN: Yeah...

JESUS: I've had a few through, Goody, Robson, Patch...some good ones.

SATAN: What's the news on Jacko?

JESUS: Not sure, he's still in the waiting room, not sure what my dad's gonna do with him yet.
Running a few tests first, doesn't look good though, he's been eying up the boys off the American school bus crash from 98' for a while.

SATAN: Ah, shame.

JESUS: Yeah...still, I did like his music.

SATAN: What you?!

JESUS: Er yeah!...I don't just wank off to, I mean listen to Songs of Praise all the time you know.

SATAN: But surely you wouldn't be dancing along? You'd get your robe caught in those Sandles...and your hair. Which is getting very long by the way.

JESUS: It does need a cut to be honest, you're right.

SATAN: I'll see if I can get Nicky Clarke into a train wreck or something.

JESUS: Ah, nice one.

SATAN: See, we get on, really, don't we?

JESUS: Weelllll...I dunno, I think your alright when you're on your own, but when you're surrounded by them lot.

SATAN: Who?

JESUS: Them lot over there (pointing)

Hitler, Pol Pot and Hindley are hiding behind a bush giggling- 'f**k off you long haired twat'.

JESUS: See, shouting profanities.

SATAN: Ah forget them, That Pot won't be laughing much longer, he'll be sucking my cock tonight, for a week or so, and I'll be using Hitler's Tosh as a loofer for my balls.

JESUS: You have all the fun though, I've got to pretend that I'm really happy to see people all the time. They just always say the same things!...'oooo do the water and wine trick...do the water into wine trick'...

SATAN: Ah it's not that bad. It's not all fun and games for me really, I've got Baby P's mother coming in within the next century. I'll be keeping her busy let me tell you!

JESUS: Ah yes, what's that?

SATAN: She's gonna be rimming me after I have my 'Hell hath fury Vindaloo' curry.

This seems to take a while getting started and then doesn't seem to go anywhere. Jesus and Satan chatting is kinda a classic you may need to do something more original with it.

You've written better, which is to say this isn't up with your usual high standard.

I liked this. Didn't make me laugh out loud or anything, so Sootyj may have a point, but I just liked the whole tone of the piece. Jesus and Satan would make good talking heads, a la Smith and Jones, I think.

I think you could dream up more interesting or perverted tortures for Satan's victims and tie them in with the famous victim. Rather than sucking Satan's willy, Pol Pot could have to endure countless skulls being thrown at him and the skulls would be the victims of the Khmer Rouge (so Jesus could supply Satan with the skulls), you could then have Satan and Jesus doing a bit of bartering.

Knowing that Baby P's mum is a slob, Satan could become her feeder/enabler and fatten her up on a diet of fresh horseshit provided by The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, much more disgusting than rimming Satan after a curry.

I liked the idea of using Hitler's tash as a loofah for Satan's balls though.

I think it's great. But then I would, I wrote it.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and some points well made.
Nigel, they are cracking ideas. Unfortunately I am too lazy to go that indepth, and with those ideas it would be a fantastic sketch.

I do like the idea behind this, but I got the feeling that there was too much crammed in.
I liked the idea of how friendly Jesus & Satan might be.
If the sketch was more about the people the Devil might be seeing shortly, then I don't think that Jesus would necessairily be needed there.

I reckon you could get two better sketches out of this one.