V2 Still needs work.
DAVID MITCHELL WALKS ON STAGE, HE IS IN A RATHER OLD DRESSING GOWN.
AS HE WALKS IN HE SEE'S AINSLEY HARRIOT AND A CAMERA CREW COOKING HORN AND CORDEN IN A BIG POT.
AINSLEY
Hello and welcome to can't cook won't get renewed with out David Mitchell!
DAVID
Oh God look will you get out of my kitchen.
AINSLEY
There's only room for one cuddly comedy black guy on the BBC at a time. Without you I'm more f**ked than the rent boys I don't hire.
ROBERT WEBB COMES ON AND NARRATES WITH A MEGAPHONE.
ROBERT
That's quite a surprise for David Mitchell...but not his equally funny coperformer.
DAVID
I didn't chose to be the BBC's cuddly, avuncular star. People just like me.
ROBERT
Yes but the BBC is replacing all it's shows with a camera crew following you around with a camera crew. You've got more zeitgesit than Sara Beeney's shite.
DAVID
It's not my fault. I'm going to get dressed. And stay out of my bedroom!
DAVID STORMS INTO HIS BEDROOM WHERE HE FINDS HIMSELF FACING THAT POD THING OFF Snog Marry Avoid.
POD
Hello David and welcome to Snog marry, but never avoid David Mitchell.
DAVID
Oh piss off.
POD
David 90% of our female viewers when asked if they'd like to snog, marry or avoid you said they'd like to give you a hug and knit you a jumper.
ROBERT WEBB FOLLOWS HIM IN.
ROBERT
David's probably going to wear that purple shirt again. The one that makes him look nice and only slightly gay.
DAVID RUNS AWAY AND GETS ON A BUS
HE LOOKS UPTO SEE HE'S SURROUNDED BY PHIL JUPITUS, PAUL MERTON AND RORY MCGRATH.
JEREMY CLARKSON GETS ON THE BUS (IT'S A ROUTE MASTER SO YOU CAN DO THAT).
JEREMY
Hello and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks because I've got news for you and my careers all over. The new show that allows David Mitchell to be a guest star on all 3 shows at once. Before appearing as a guest star on Top Gear as the Stig.
DAVID
I'm not the Stig I'm a human being!
DAVID RUNS OFF THE BUS AND INTO A THEATRE HE TAKES A SEAT.
ROBERT WEBB IS ON THE STAGE WITH A MICROPHONE.
ROBERT WEBB
And I was in the smoking room. But now I'm doing voice overs on Young Dumb and Living off Mum. Thanks for the crumbs Dave.
DAVID TURNS TO SEE HE'S GOT JOHN BARROWMAN AND GRAHAM NORTON ON EITHER SIDE OF HIM THEY ARE PINCHING HIS KNEES.
DAVID
Look I'm not homophobic or anything, but just because I'm still single doesn't make me gay.
JOHN
Don't be silly David that's not we're here for.
GRAHAM
We're here for the new BBC talent show. How do you solve a problem like David Mitchell?
THE CURTAIN RISES THERE ARE A 1000 PEOPLE ON THE STAGE WEARING DAVID MITCHELL MASKS AND WEARING NICE PURPLE SHIRTS.
DAVID SCREAMS
PULL BACK TO SOOTYJ WHO'S WATCHING THIS ON TELLY.
SOOTYJ
This is a bit dull. What's on Bravo?
DANNY DYER IS ON THE STAGE
VO
And now Bravo presents 24/7 Danny Dyer.
DANNY DYER STARTS MASTURBATING AND THROWING EXCREMENT AT THE CAMERA.
DANNY
Geezer! Geezer! Hardman! Geezer!
