Scott of the Antarctic sketch

INT.TENT.NIGHT.

WE HEAR THE WIND HOWLING OUTSIDE
SCOTT AND THE OTHER MEN ARE SITTING AROUND LOOKING PRETTY GLUM.
SCOTT is doling out some dried biscuits and attemting to heat some water for coffee.

SCOTT: Well, chaps, that`s the last of the pemmican.
Perhaps we should all turn in, conserve our
energy.(TRIES TO PUT ON A BRAVE FACE.)

THE MEN look at each other, then crawl into their sleeping bags.
CAPTAIN OATES gets up suddenly.

OATES: I have to go out-I may be some time.

SCOTT looks up, does not comment, looks tremendously sad, then he gets out his journal and starts writing as OATES struggles up and goes out thru the tent flap.

WE HEAR SCOTT`S THOUGHTS as he is writing

SCOTT(Thinks): God, this is a terrible place...

A FEW MOMENTS LATER CAPTAIN OATES comes back in with two takeaway bags in each hand and one clenched in his teeth.
He drops them in front of the astonished men.

OATES: Sorry I was so long, chaps-I had to wait for the pancake rolls!

They all cheer and tuck in to the nosh. (the end)

Maybe if he makes a comment about it being a bit "parky" or "brisk" out.

Or is that too obvious?

You know he comes in, does an over exaggerated shiver a says "Ohhh, it's a bit brisk out. You might want to bang the pancake rolls in the microwave"

A point though, and I mean it constructively. There's probably been quite a few sketches about Captain Oates and the whole "I may be some time" thing, so it probably won't stand out in terms of originality. I'm thinking if I was some fella at the BBC, or whatever, sifting through a pile of sketches from people, it might be an easy excuse for rejection. Only a thought.

It's obvious what will happen from the first line and this set up has been done a lot over the years.

An alternative taken on a well beaten path, could be ruining Oates last words instead.

CAPTAIN OATES - I, maybe some time.

CAPTAIN SCOTT - Okay bud. Oh, mate, looks as though you've sat in chewing gum.

CAPTAIN OATES - Have I? Where? Oh jesus, I've just had this dry cleaned.

CAPTAIN SCOTT - You need to freeze it. Put it in a freezer or something.

CAPTAIN OATES - Are you being cocky.

CAPTAIN SCOTT - Ha ha, you know what, I wasn't even thinking then. (chuckles to himself) Anyway, you were off out. I'm just writing my diary. I'll just jot down that incident , that'll be funny to look back on back home eh? Freezer, ha ha. We're in the North pole. Ha ha

CAPTAIN OATES - (BEAT) Yes. Er, actually, could you just not write that last bit

CAPTAIN SCOTT - Sorry?

CAPTAIN OATES - Just leave it at when I said "I may be some time" if you would.

CAPTAIN SCOTT - But the chewing gum incident. I mean we are in a freezer! And I said...

CAPTAIN OATES - (Raising his voice, then calming) I know... what you said. And it was funny. But can you just say that it happened to John (indicates to man in sleeping bag) or something

CAPTAIN SCOTT - It's not same though is it. Scotty and Oatesy, Oatesy and Scotty, on the pull. It's always me and you. Brothers. (Playful punches him in the arm a few times. Oates is less than amused) I mean, it's not as if they were your last words were they. Come on, lets have a game of Travel Scrabble.

CAPTAIN OATES - Actually they were my last words and it's all been f**ked up.

CAPTAIN SCOTT - Oh, sorry mate. I understand though. The bleak emptiness and freezing tempratures can get to the best of us. You go on. Pop your clogs.

CAPTAIN OATES - I can't now. My last words will be "Jesus I've just had this dry cleaned". thats rubbish.

CAPTAIN SCOTT - Yeah.(BEAT)Travel Scrabble?

(OATES plonks himself down as SCOTT excitedly opens the Travel Scrabble)

Then you could have a follow up sketch where, SCOTT is writing in his diary, OATES stands up in the tent and walks towards the exit.

OATES - I, may be some time

(OATES turns to look at SCOTT whos writing in the diary. SCOTT gives OATES an exaggerated wink)

SCOTT - See ya later then.

(OATES walks out of the tent)

I like that alternative Ginger Jesus. I think you could end it sooner, with Scott saying "We're in the North Pole. Ha ha". I like mundane stuff in great moments like that. It could even transpire that it wasn't even chewing gum, just a trick of the light, just to make it even blander.

Excellent,Ginger Jesus,
Are you a member of a cult, or do you run the halfway house for `ginger` people in the catherine tate sketch.The sketch was much improved and very Smith and Jones-ish.(sadly missed).
I sent a load of such sketches to Joanthan Kydd`s and Clive Colemans new prodco but aint heard nothing yet.To be fair, Jonathan has just come out of hospital.
have you tried the Treason Show/Newsrevue.has anyone...?

steve voyce

Thanks lads, just something I knocked together at work ;-)

I was wondering actually. I was writing a sitcom. I kind of had an episode written, and had good feed back from people I know and stuff, but generally lost confidence in it. I had written for television, and felt it wasn't original enough to get anywhere. Plus I started to think that perhaps I was trying to run before I could walk as a lot of comedy orignates from the radio.

(breath)

So then I decided to write radio sketches. I thought it might be an easier way to get my foot in the door so to speak. Basically the point of my ramblings is to find out what radio shows accept unsolicited sketches that aren't perhaps topical satire shows. I don't generally write about Tony Blair or The Beckhams.

Are there any, if not, whats the best approach.

I probably should have started a new thread, but there we go.