More topical fun.

BONO IS ON THE STAGE.

BONO
Oh boy Pope Benedict wants to see me, I've got my extra dark sunglasses and my extra dark sunglasses. I bet he's going to make me a saint and I'm not even dead!

POPE WALKS ON

BONO
Your holiness.

POPE
Yo mother f**ker.

BONO
I beg your pardon your holiness, you wanted to see me.

POPE
Yes I'm making a record with Geffen records and I want you to help me become a rock and roll star!

BONO
But your holiness I thought we could talk about pollution, the Dali Llama and justice.

POPE
F**k the Dali Llama he's a total dweeb. I mean hello saffron robes and sandals was so 1987.

BONO
But you're the spiritual head of the second largest faith community in the world.

POPE
Who cares about being the head I want to get head, hey there's a million people out there waiting for me to say mass I'm gonna' show them my cock.

BONO
You're not my pope anymore! I'm off to see the Dali Llama he's still cool.

BONO FLOUNCES OFF

POPE DIALS ON HIS MOBILE PHONE

POPE
Hey Bob fancy becoming Saint Bob...I bet you do all you've got to do is make me a rockstar...you want a favour?...ok I can turn a blind eye to one abortion but isn't Peaches a little old?

GORDON BROWN IS TALKING TO HARRIET HARMAN

GORDON IS TALKING TO HARRIET HARMAN AND ALISTAIR DARLING

GORDON
So I'm off to Switzerland tomorrow to discuss how we can help terminally ill English patients die in a motel, before they die in a filthy NHS hospital.

ALISTAIR
Well lets have some fun. Gordon would you like to watch a Carry On film tonight?

GORDON
You know I haven't got a sense of humour. So what's the point in carrying on?

HARRIET
Well maybe you'd like to watch a film with Eddie Murphy set in a prison that he ends ups spending many years in. It's called Life.

GORDON
Jaqui you know I hate that film I can't see the point in Life.

ALISTAIR
Gordon if you don't want to watch a film maybe we could buy a new jacket now everyone thinks your pale one looks rubbish.

GORDON
Jings and crivens do you know how expensive jackets are!

HARRIET
I have some black dye.

GORDON
That's great I want to dye my jacket!

ALISTAIR
You'd be saving money.

GORDON
Yes that's what the people want. Any way I'd better get some sleep if I'm going to catch my flight.

GORDON WALKS OFF STAGE.

HARRIET
Did you get that?

ALISTAIR PLAYS BACK A DICTAPHONE
GORDON'S VOICE
I don't see the point in carrying on
I want to die
It's what the people want.

ALISTAIR
I'll just email that to Dignatas.

'BONO IS ON THE STAGE'

Sootyj at his unique best!

'GORDON & HARRIET'

Not me really. plus I'm bored of Gord.

Thanks the second one was more of an elaborate badumtish gag.

BORIS JOHNSON IS TLAKING TO PEGGY OUT OF EASTENDERS.

BORIS
Gosh this is absolute wizard be invited to guest star on Eastenders, but won't my job as mayor of the London be a conflict?

PEGGY
Don't be fackin' ridiculous no one remembers your mayor. Your just that posh twat who cycles every where, shags posh birds and looks like his dad f**ked an Afghan.

BORIS
I suppose making me mayor was as stupid as making Harold Shipman head of Help the Aged.

PEGGY
Shut it smart arse you're not on Have I got News for You now.

BORIS
Sorry you just look like Ian Hislop with tits and a blond wig.

PEGGY
Cheeky bastard I was in the Carry On films! Any way you get to have a run in with a proper EastEnders villain!

BORIS
Gosh how exciting; is it Phil, that gay Asian bloke?

PEGGY
Nah dirty...

BORIS
Dirty Den I thought he was dead.

KEN LVINGSTONE WALKS ON AND STABS BORIS

KEN
Nah Dirty Ken Livingstone.

JAMES BOND IS TALKING TO M

M
Now Bond for this mission you will be meeting up with agent 005 who's working under cover as a Russian stripper Onyaback Yabitch.

BOND
I see and I take her back to my hotel room and thoroughly debrief her?

M
No I want you to stone the whorish bitch to death. We've issued all female agents with Burqas.

BOND
That's a little unusual don't I at least get to buy her a Vodka martini?

M
Alcohol is an abomination you infidel!

BOND
M is there any truth to the rumours that MI6 has been recruiting officers from Al Quaeda?

M
Erm no nonsense, pigs will fly and hopefully crash into tall buildings before we recruit terrorists. Q can you come in?

Q COMES IN.

Q
Ah Bond this vest is new issue for all 00 agents, if you find yourself on the bus then just pull the detonator.

BOND
I see it won't be a Routemaster bus, it'll be a Routedisaster bus.

MONEYPENNY WALKS ON IN A BURQA.

BOND
Ah Moneypenny looking lovely as ever.

MI6 have recruited some people who trained with Al Quaeda and had to fire them sharpish.

DAVID CAMERON IS GIVING A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST.

DAVID
Hello good evening and go f**k your selves.

It's me Dave big bollocks Cameron leader of the mother f**king conservative party.

You may have noticed something a little diferent about this party political broadcast you bastards.

Yes I'm c**ting swearing. Ever since I said twat in an interview you f**kwitted Jeremy Kyle watching lower life forms have started to pay some shitting attention to me. You couldn't give a monkeys cock whether I'm going to slash spending, rape the NHS or diarea shit all over the welfare state. But posh boy swears on telly and you're paying attention. God I despise you all you festering bucket of abortion left overs.

But here's some more swearing till I'm in power and I can do away with elections for good.

Bugger, anal lingus, sodomy, Thatcher rapist.

VO
And now a part political broadcast by the Labour party.

GORDONBROWN
Erm poo, wee wee, willies.

HARIET HARMAN COMES ON AND SMACKS HIM ROUND THE HEAD.

HARIET
Can't you even swear properly you one eyed dick head.

'DAVID CAMERON IS GIVING A PARTY POLITICAL BROADCAST'

This is hilarious, Sootyj!

This speech in particular, is a Master Class in swearing as an art form - seriously!

"Yes I'm c**ting swearing. Ever since I said twat in an interview you f**k-witted Jeremy Kyle watching lower life forms have started to pay some shitting attention to me. You couldn't give a monkey's cock whether I'm going to slash spending, rape the NHS or diarrhoea shit all over the welfare state. But posh boy swears on telly and you're paying attention. God I despise you all you festering bucket of abortion left overs!"

Brilliant.

P.S. You should put this in its own separate thread - otherwise people might miss it!!

Thanks abortion leftovers was my personal fave!

this was the even more offensive one

actually this thread is really depressing, wow they were all produced by news revue, 2 by Treason Show as well, a couple of doubles.

Not anymore I've lost my edge.