Waiting For The Ladies

How do folks. A quick sketch for your amusement/dissapointment. Enjoy/despise!

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Waiting For The Ladies.

CORRIDOR OUTSIDE TWO DOORS, ONE MARKED LADIES, THE OTHER MARKED GENTS. BLOKE IS WAITING OUTSIDE LOOKING CHEERY. GUY ENTERS VIA MENS TOILETS. GUY WAITS NEXT TO BLOKE

BLOKE:
Hi.

GUY LOOKS BRIEFLY AT BLOKE AND FORCES A SMILE

GUY:
Hi.

AN AWKWARD PAUSE AS BLOKE THINKS OF SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY

BLOKE:
Are you waiting for someone?

GUY:
Yeah.

BLOKE:
Who are you waiting for?

GUY:
My wife.

BLOKE:
Oh.

ANOTHER AWKWARD PAUSE

BLOKE:
I'm waiting for my wife too.

GUY BLANKS BLOKE

BLOKE:
Is your wife going for a wee or a poo?

GUY:
Excuse me?

BLOKE:
Oh, nothing. Nothing.

GUY GLARES AT BLOKE AND CONTINUES WAITING

BLOKE:
Maybe it's stuck?

GUY LOOKS CROSS BUT IGNORES BLOKE

BLOKE:
Has she been eating enough fibre? That can make it stuck.

GUY SHUFFLES FROM FOOT TO FOOT, TRYING TO CONTAIN HIS ANNOYANCE

BLOKE:
Loose stools perhaps?

GUY FUMES AND TURNS TO BLOKE, POINTING

GUY:
Look, will you just shut up, ok? I don't need to hear what you think.

BLOKE LOOKS HURT

BLOKE:
I'm sorry, I was just making conversation.

GUY:
Well don't.

AWKWARD SILENCE. BLOKE LOOKS LIKE HE IS THINKING

BLOKE:
Maybe she is on her period?

GUY:
(SHOUTING) Shut up! Just shut up!

GUY'S WIFE ENTERS VIA LADIES TOILETS

GUY'S WIFE:
(TO MAN 2) What's going on David? Why are you shouting?

BLOKE:
(HURT) Your husband was shouting at me because I tried to make conversation with him!

GUY LOOKS SHOCKED AND CONFUSED

GUY'S WIFE:
(SHOCKED, ANGRY) David!

GUY'S WIFE DRAGS GUY AWAY WHILST CHASTISING HIM

GUY'S WIFE:
You should be ashamed of yourself; shouting at the poor man...

GUY LOOKS AT BLOKE WHILST BEING DRAGGED OFF AND GLARES AT HIM. BLOKE WAVES WITH A CHEERY SMILE. BLOKE IS LEFT ON HIS OWN AGAIN FOR A FEW MOMENTS. ANOTHER MAN EXITS THE GENTS TOILETS AND WAITS NEXT TO BLOKE. A FEW AWKWARD MOMENTS PASS. BLOKE TURNS TO NEW MAN AND SMILES

BLOKE:
Hi!

It goes along OK and is easy to picture.

Needs a stronger pay-off, perhaps by virtue of a couple more lines with the next MAN.

I like this. It could maybe use a diarrhea line too, to give the man an extra reason for flipping out. The ending with the wife seemed a bit explainy, but I'm not sure how to better it.

I got all confused, especially as MAN 1 appears to be with WOMAN 2 and vice-versa. Can't you call them DAVID/ALAN/MOIRA/JILL or something so it's easier to read?

Sketch is good though. Ending could be stronger.

Dan

Comments appreciated and taken into consideration. See above for edits. The ending is going to be more of a realisation that the guy is just out to wind people up. I think the acting and awkwardness will get the laughs (I hope!)

Thanks,

Andy

'Wee or a poo' is funnier than a 'shit and piss'

Dan

Agreed. Changed.

What do you mean by "weirdo'? Do you intend that the guy has a "care in the community' look to him? And is this intended to explain the wife's sympathetic reaction?

I think you can have weirdos in sketches (see Marty Feldman's oeuvre) and you can have a character responding to them as the man here does, but the wife's reaction then makes it all a bit uncomfortable. Just a personal reaction - maybe I am a bit oversensitive. I should loose the explicit reference to him being a 'weirdo' though.

Liked the basic premise.

I did umm and ahhh about using weirdo, it was just a quick change to stop him being man 1! He should look like an average bloke, maybe a little geeky. I have changed it now!

BLOKE:
Is your wife going for a wee or a poo?

That made me lol.

It needs more fibre to it, to really push it through. But I can see the idea and on that basis, it's OK. Just rework it with the suggestions above.

Thanks Leevil