As Newsjack has come to a close I thought I may as well put my reject up to be scrutinized!
JOB PERKS
MILES: We were hoping to get an interview with the Prime Minister about his U-turn regarding equipment for UK troops in Afghanistan but he must be running late. I don't suppose anyone's had word from him?
F/X:WHIRRING BLADES OF A HELICOPTER IN THE DISTANCE.
MILES:What's that? (BEAT) What on earth…
BROWN
SHOUTING OVER NOISE OF HELICOPTER) Hello there, Miles!
MILES
rime Minister?!
BROWN:How are you?!
MILES:Er, very well, thanks! We were hoping to get a word with you about equipment for the troops in Afghanistan!
BROWN:Just hold on a second while I park her up!
MILES:I'm sorry about this, listeners. I'm sure he'll join us in just a second.
F/X:HELICOPTER APPROACHING BEFORE COMING TO A GRADUAL HALT.
BROWN
ee that for a textbook landing? Nothing wrong with my depth perception, thank you very much.
MILESOFF) I'm over here Prime Minister!
BROWN
h right. Sorry about that.
MILES:Well that was a bit of a spectacular entrance. Isn't that a Chinook?
BROWN:It most certainly is, Miles; one of the finest examples of military engineering you're ever likely to see – and it's all mine.
MILES:It's yours?
BROWN:That's right.
MILES:But… I mean… How?
BROWN:Just a simple bit of bargaining, Miles. I told Sir Richard Dannatt that if he wants more equipment, he's welcome to it, so long as there's something in it for me. Beautiful, isn't she?
MILES:But isn't it an abuse of your position to be bargaining with the Army chief General in this way? And what would you want with military aircraft anyway? It seems an uncharacteristically extravagant gesture on your part, if you don't mind my saying so.
BROWN:Well, to answer the first part of your question: no, I don't think it is an abuse of my position – frankly, it's about time I started seeing some perks. It's not an easy job being Prime Minister you know. In fact, it's a bloody pain in the backside – particularly when you're not very good at it. And I resent your accusation of extravagance on my part – the Chinook has many practical non-military based uses.
MILESuch as?
BROWNBEAT) The school run?
MILES:The school run?! I suppose you could fit a small school in there.
BROWN:Yes, it's very roomy.
MILES:But don't you think…
F/X:RUMBLING OF LARGE VEHICLE MOVING IN THE DISTANCE.
MILES:What's that noise? Oh my God, is that a tank?! Holy shhh… Everyone take cover!
BROWN:Calm down, Miles. It's only the wife.
F/X:TANK APPROACHING BEFORE COMING TO A STOP.
SARAH:Hello darling!
BROWN:Hello dear!
SARAH:I'm just nipping to the shops!
BROWNkay!
SARAH:Can you think of anything we need other than milk and eggs?!
MILESome sanity, perhaps?
BROWN:Not off the top of my head, darling!
SARAHkay! See you later then!
BROWN:Bye, dear! Have fun!
F/X:TANK RECEDING INTO THE DISTANCE; A CRASH OF COLLAPSING BRICKWORK.
SARAHOFF) Whoops! Sorry!
MILESo you managed to get yourself a helicopter and a tank out of this deal then. Anything else, or is that it?
BROWNh, just some light artillery, you know – for the boys to play with.
MILES:Well, Prime Minister, I have to say, I'm stunned. I mean the way you've handled this whole equipment for troops issue has been pretty regrettable but this just takes the biscuit. I really don't know what else to say to you to be honest.
PAUSE.
BROWN:Would you like a ride in my new chopper?
MILES:I thought you'd never ask!
END OF SKETCH
Not at all, Giggle-o!