Viqueens

F/X A boat cuts through water complete with several male grunts.

NARRATOR And so, in the year of our Lord, A.D 793, Eric the Red and his band of hardy warriors beached on the East coast of England. The Vikings had landed; and the shape of human history had changed forever.

(Beat)

ERIC (camp) Coo-eee?

(Beat)

LEIF (camp) Oh no! Eric! Where are the welcome party?

ERIC Sorry, dear. I thought...I mean, I sent Big Dave ahead, but..ah, here comes the little queen now.

DAVE Darlings! (Blows air kisses) You made it. Ooh, Eric, your ship gets longer every time I see you, lucky.

ERIC Big Dave? Where's the party we sent you to organise?

DAVE Yeah, about that...

ERIC You've been gossiping, haven't you?

DAVE Little bit. I've started a few rumours like. They weren't bothered you see, that we were coming like. They thought you were a bit, well, camp.

LEIF I say.

ERIC So...?

DAVE So...they don't anymore. I took care of it. I've sent word that you're fearless warriors, with beards that could scour cliffs, and you're here to rape, pillage and....

ERIC What?

LEIF What?

(Beat)

DAVE It's the rape bit, isn't it?

ERIC Well yes.

DAVE It just slipped out.

LEIF Aha.

DAVE There was the pillage.

LEIF But you said that after the rape

ERIC People are still going to be thinking of the rape, Dave.

LEIF Nothing is likely to stop a welcome party quicker than finding a bunch of rapists fingering your vol-au-vents.

DAVE Fine, alright, I'll tell them you're not rapists then. Happy?

LEIF Well it's too late now, isn't it?

ERIC I wish we'd discussed this Dave, I'd prefer a camp image to this. We're going to have to think of a way to repair the damage.

F/X A large crate is heaved in

MAN Delivery!

LEIF Oh God.

ERIC What are those?

DAVE Right. I've bought some hats…

This is very funny.

Slipping on my ill-fitting politically correct hat (it's a beret) for a moment... could the central idea here work with straight Vikings?

Well bugger my bollocks, you're spot on there.

I was writing it thsi morning - thought of the camp viking stuff and the crappy pun title and that was it. I wrote my way to the better stuff and the camp stuff isn't needed, 'cept maybe the Coo-ee at start.

Cheers for that - very useful

I'm still 'umming and ah-ing' over playing this one straight - anyone else have any thoughts either way - cheers

If I could just borrow KM's beret for a second (or perhaps just two thirds of it!) I think this sketch would work better if 'Dave' remains camp but the other two characters are quite butch/masculine. The sketch could start with those characters discussing how they hope Dave doesn't give the natives the impression that they're a bunch of 'whoopsies' (again) and then it turns out that he's gone too far the other way by going on about raping and what have you. That's just my opinion anyway.

Good premise though I think. The 'rapists fingering vol-au-vents' line made me chuckle!

I think you could have two sketches.
One played overtly camp with the final caption/payoff being
INVASION OF THE VIQUEENS.

Or more or less as it is, but forget the Camp bits. just make them a bit apologetic & insecure.

Yeah, agree with Fred here: you've got two separate sketches.

One camp one, one about the raping (bit Mitchell & Webb in tone.

Dan

Aye, cheers all.

I don't think there are two sketches in here - well perhaps two really shoite ones - I just need a bit of a tinker I think to get it working.

Cheers all, I appreciate it

Just keep it gay.

To gay or not to gay. Hmm.