NAPOLEON WANTS A CAR
CHARACTERS –
CAR SALESMAN
NAPOLEON BONAPARTE
CHINESE EMPEROR
SFX: GENERAL OFFICE HUBBUB
SALESMAN
Yes, can I help you?
CUSTOMER #1 (French accent)
I'm looking to buy a car, but I'm not sure what kind.
SALESMAN
That's what we're here for. I'm Jeff by the way, and you are?
CUSTOMER
Napoleon Boneparte.
SALESMAN
Napoleon Boneparte? The Napoleon Boneparte?
NAPOLEON
That's right.
SALESMAN
I'm sorry, I don't think I can sell you a car.
NAPOLEON
Why ever not?
SALESMAN
I'm afraid sir… You're dead.
NAPOLOEON
Well, I don't see why that should preclude me from car ownership. There's a nice Fiat over there…
SALESMAN
I'm sorry, but it's not really company policy to sell to the dead.
NAPOLEON
I see. This is a French thing, isn't it?
SALESMAN
No, I can assure you that this is purely a dead thing…
NAPOLEON (Agitated)
This is all some petty revenge for the battle of Waterloo, I suppose?
SALESMAN
That really makes no difference to me sir. It was two hundred years ago, and anyway, the British won.
NAPOLEON
Oh, right, you're just here to lord it over the French, eh? Downfall of one of the greatest generals in history not good enough for you, is it? I commanded the finest armies of the 19th century, I'll have you know, English pig…
SALESMAN
I'm from Letham…
NAPOLEON
I dominated half of Europe with my unstoppable army and naval fleets…
SALESMAN
And how much of Europe are you dominating now? You're having trouble with one garage in Scotland. I'm sorry but my decision stands – you're dead, and that's the end of it. No cars to the deceased, be they imperialist dictators or not. Ghengis Khan was in here earlier, and I had to tell him the same thing. No pulse, no sale. I have to ask you to leave now.
NAPOLEON
You have not heard the last of me, miserable pig!
SFX: NAPOLEON STORMING OFF IN A HUFF, GRUMBLING. PAUSE. NEW CUSTOMER ENTERS.
SALESMAN
What can I do for you?
CUSTOMER #2
I'm San-Chi of the Fifth Ming Dynasty, and I'm looking to buy a car.
SFX: SALESMAN BANGING HIS HEAD ON HIS DESK
