I like these:
"I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."
-Thom Sharp
"It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens."
-Woddy Allen
"If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better."
-Maureen Murphy
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese."
-Chris Rock
What about you...?
You've got to laugh at some peoples attempt at comedy... Seefacts.
I'm usually the one for unwitting innuendos. 
"I could carve a better man out of a banana" - Groucho Marx on being introduced to me.
"The bigger the headache, the bigger the pill" - George Clinton
"Two slices of bread don't make a sandwich, three slices do." - Leevil, just now.
"It's only midnight - it's not as if it's the middle of the night." - Me
Even if I didn't mean it, I'm rather proud of that one.
Quote: Marc P @ July 16 2009, 8:19 PM BSTYou've got to laugh at some peoples attempt at comedy... Seefacts.
You missed off 'and I'm great by the way'.
Because that's what I'm like.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos. - Homer Simpson
My fave - "Help me, help me, I have sparrows in my mind....". Ross Noble.
Quote: RubyMae - Glamourous Snowdrop at Large @ July 16 2009, 10:18 PM BSTMy fave - "Help me, help me, I have sparrows in my mind....". Ross Noble.
I may be extremely slow but I don't understand it. 
Quote: Seefacts @ July 16 2009, 10:07 PM BSTYou missed off 'and I'm great by the way'.
Because that's what I'm like.
We are kept keen on the grindstone of pain and necessity - Ralf Little
No, not really, it was HG Wells.
Lady Astor: 'If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee!'
Winston Churchill: 'My dear, if you were my wife I'd drink it.'
Homer Simpson: Yeah I'm stupid; stupid like a fox!