THE MENTAL PICTURE SHOW (Sketch For Radio)
VO: Welcome to the Mental Picture Show.
To be able to receive this broadcast you will need to have you hearing
attuned, and your mind's eye in focus.
TO TEST YOUR EQUIPMENT LISTEN TO THE FOLLOWING:
FX. CLINKING GLASS. DOG GROWLING & SNAPPING. RIPPING MATERIAL.
MAN SHOUTING
Get away. Leave my trousers alone. I'll have you, you little bitch.
VO
IF YOU IMAGINED A MILKMAN BEING ATTACKED BY A DOG, YOUR EQUIPMENT IS WORKING OK.
IF YOU IMAGINED A SCENE FROM A PORNO FILM YOU'VE GOT YOUR WIRES CROSSED.
VO
PLEASE WELCOME ROLAND DA CUPPA WITH THIS WEEK'S THEME - FILMS.
ROLAND: (CONTINUALLY UPBEAT AND NAUSEATINGLY CHEERFUL)
Hi, there everybody. Here's some food for thought, and it's a movie.
FX. COW MOOING FOLLOWED BY THE SOUND OF VOMITING
ROLAND: Did you get that, ?
Yes, you are right. We started with that golden oldie "The Sound
of Moosick"
For new listeners we have this liitle gem, close your eyes and see
what you make of it. It's a film from 2009.
VO: A Public toilet – somewhere in India
A MAN IN THE LOO: Oh, my word. No paper. I'll just have to use these 10,000
dollar notes, then.
FX. Toilet flushing.
ROLAND: Yes. It's the Oscar winning "Some Bog Millionaire."
Now for the weekly compo. And the Sound Pic comes from Dennis McSpong
in Scotland. You're looking for an action film series that started in
the nineties.
MAN: (grunting and sighing – Scots accent) Och, noo. I cannae come. Jeez, ooh, gaahh.
S'nae good, luv. I cannae come.
ROLAND: The Competition phone lines are open now.
I think you've got our listeners stumped with that one, Dennis.
FX. Phones ringing.
ROLAND: (Taking the first phone call) Hello, Roland here. Who am I talking to?
PHONE CALLER: Hi, Roland. I'm Marcy Snait.
ROLAND: Hi, Marcy. Where are you phoning from?
MARCY: I'm phoning all the way from Slungitt-under-Agate, in Devon, Roland.
ROLAND: And a lovely spot, that is. Isn't it Marcy.
MARCY (tearful Devon accent): No. It's hellish lonely, down here. My dog died
last week. Me mum moved on last month and me dad
went four years ago.
ROLAND: Don't get down in the dumps Marcy. Look on the bright side. You can
go and visit them at Christmas.
MARCY – snuffling: Not where they've gone, I can't. Me dad's in Hell and me
mum's in Heaven, probably.
ROLAND - sympathetic but upbeat: Ah, isn't that sad. I bet you miss them don't
you, Marcy?
MARCY – recovering: Like buggery, I do.
ROLAND - uncertain but upbeat: You must have been a close family, eh, Marcy?
MARCY: Like buggery, we were.
ROLAND – back to upbeat and nauseatingly cheerful: Well let's see if we can
help you win the compo and cheer you up, shall we?
MARCY: What competition's that than?
ROLAND: The Sound Pic competition. Didn't you hear Dennis's tricky
contribution?
MARCY: I ain't heard nothing, Roland. Where was that, then?
ROLAND: Just a couple of minutes ago on radio 11's Mental Picture Show, Marcy.
MARCY: Ain't got no radio down here, Roland. No TV, neither. Don't even get the
papers.
ROLAND – a bit flummoxed, a nervous chuckle: Ha, ha, ha. you've got a sense of
humour, Marcy. That's more like it. Nothing like a good laugh
to cheer us up, eh?
MARCY: What's funny about not having radio, TV or the papers? Don't seem funny
to me.
ROLAND – embarrassed: Oh, I thought you were having me on. I'm sooo sorry,
Marcy. Well let's not worry about the radio. I'm going to
make a big exception. I'll play you the recording Dennis
McSpong made and you see if you can work out what the
film is. The big clue is that it's a series of action
films that started in the nineties.
MARCY: Ain't got no cinema down here.
ROLAND – voice tightening: Why did you phone, then, Marcy?
MARCY: I just dialed a bunch of numbers to see if I could find someone to talk
to.
ROLAND – flat voiced: Marcy, this is a radio show. It's not a chatline. I'm very
sorry, Marcy, but I've got listeners waiting for me. I'm
going to have to cut you off.
MARCY: What about the compo, then?
ROLAND – flummoxed again: What?
MARCY: You said I could have a go at the compo, didn't you?
ROLAND - more flummoxed and getting exasperated: Well, yes. I did, Marcy. But
you *can't* win. You don't see Films. You'll never be able
to get the answer.
MARCY: Let's have a go. Play me that Dennis's thing and I'll have a guess.
Won't hurt none, will it?
ROLAND – wit's end is nigh: Marcy, It really will be a waste of time. I've seen
all four films in the series. You'll *never* be able to guess it.
Let's just say…(Marcy cuts in)
MARCY – sobbing: You promised. You said you'd let me have a go. I've never won
anything. Pleeeease. Just one go. It could change my life.
You can help me to be happy, Roland. I've never been happy,
Roland. Please give me a chance for happiness, Roland,
Pleeease.
ROLAND – heavy sigh: *Alright*, Marcy. But I don't want to hear any more tears when
you don't win. OK?
MARCY: God bless you, Roland. If my mum's in Heaven, she'll help. I know she
will. I'm going to win, Roland so you don't have to worry yourself about
my tears.
ROLAND – another heavy sigh: OK, Marcy. Here goes.
MAN: (grunting and sighing – Scots accent) Och, noo. I cannae come. Jeez, ooh,
gaahh. S'nae good, luv. I cannae come.
ROLAND: OK, Marcy. What film is it. Can you guess?
MARCY – thinking aloud: Sounds like a right wanker to me.
ROLAND: Is that your answer, Marcy?
MARCY: No, no. I was just thinking like…
Mmm, wanker, now there's a thought. Hang on Roland I've got
something coming.
(heavy breathing –excited) Yeah, oh yeah, It's coming, it's
coming. I got it. I got it.
I love you mum. I knew you'd help.
ROLAND – Marcy. I must have your answer *now*
MARCY: It's Emission Impossible, isn't it, Roland?
ROLAND: flabbergasted: That's impossible. You couldn't possibly have just
*guessed* that.
MARCY: I didn't guess it, Roland. My mum told me from Heaven. She said me dad
had that problem cos' he was always puttin' it about. That's why she done
him in.