British Comedy Guide

Rules of Engagement

TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE WEDDING

INT. LOUNGE:

CHARTREUSE - adamant
I told you already, Mylon. You'll get nothing till our wedding night.

MYLON - pleading
Come on Char, it's just two weeks away. No one'll know. I'm desperate.

CHARTREUSE - irritated
You've waited two years, what's two weeks more. Be patient.

MYLON - persuasive
Look Char, I've got a right rager. I can't walk down the street like this.

CHARTREUSE - relenting
No. *you* look, Mylon. I don't mind polishing your bone but you're not
getting any…

MYLON – easing off the pressure
You know I've never been with another woman, Char. I've never seen a
real one. What about letting me have a look? It'll help me fight my
desires if I can see the reward you're saving for me.

CHARTREUSE - conceding
Jesus, Mylon. The things I have to do. Move back and I'll give you a flash.

MYLON steps back

CHARTREUSE Lifts her skirt and drops her nob stoppers.

MYLON – whispers in awe
Wow, it's beautiful, Char. Are they all that hairy?

CHARTREUSE - challenging
Mine's the only one you need to know about, isn't it, Mylon?

MYLON
Thanks, Char. That's just the inspiritation I needed to help me though
The next two weeks.

CHARTREUSE - decisive
That's it, Mylon. Kitty's going back behind closed drawers, now.

MYLON - wheedling
Hang on, Char. I haven't tried anything, have I? You know you can
trust me, don't you? Let me have a whiff of heaven before you put
it away, pleeeeease.

CHARTREUSE – adamant – heavy sigh.
I trust you Mylon. But I don't trust your twat-rod, one inch. Put you hands
in your pockets and you can have a quick sniff. AND that's it. I don't want
to hear another word till our wedding night. Agreed?

MYLON – gleefully
Agreed, Char.

MYLON BENDS DOWN AND INHALES DEEPLY.
Blimey, Char. Will it keep that long?

It's not really a satisfying sketch being as it's really just a build up to one gag (it has the structure of a pub joke - set the scene, build-up, punchline). It'd probably work better as a scene in a sitcom or film.

I have to agree this is a bit of a shaggy dog story for a brief and rather unlikeable pun.

Evelynbalake, you nailed it. It's a pub joke. Thanks to you and sootyj
for furthering my education. I'll make different mistakes in future.

JOSEFF - regretfully – heavy sigh.
Yes, it's an over-dramatised pub joke. It could work with short sharp dialogue.

Thanks for the observations, Joseff. Appreciated.

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