The BIG MATCH

INT. Large old-fashioned lounge. Decrepit TV showing Liverpool V's West Ham.

LIVERPOOL supporters: 2 sisters - MARY and ROSE
WEST HAM " : 2 sisters - LUCILLE and FRANCES

The four women are of mixed ages wearing their team's shirts. scarves etc.
Painted faces. Rattles and horns. Beer cans littering the scene.
The usual paraphernalia.

MARY – shouting aggressively. Stabbing a finger aggressively at Lucille:
You mother. Your lot are a right a bunch of tossers. Not worth a wank.
None of them.

LUCILLE - sarcastically:
You ought to be a goalie. With a mouth that big no one'd get a ball past it.

MARY LUNGES FOR LUCILLE. SISTER ROSE HOLDS HER BACK.

ROSE to the Liverpool trio:
Sisters like you oughta be boiled in piss and flushed down the shitter.

FRANCES - curling a finger beckoning – vicious – snarling:
Come on, then. You want some? I'll kick your dentures so far down your
throat they'll bite your arse when you fart.

MARY:
You and your ugly, prune-faced, fanny flannel sister pray for it every
day and and every night whang away with wax dildos you nicked from the chapel.

LUCILLE:
At least we haven't got cobwebs on ours. Not like the parched, prod-starved
pussies you've got.

ROSE jumps up and down, screaming:
"Penalty. It's a friggin penalty. Jesus, the ref's as blind as my twat, or he's
on the take. Shoot the bastard.

FRANCES:
Penalty, bollocks. It'd be waste of time, anyway. Even if our goalie had your
twat for eyes you wouldn't score.

TV VO:
What a though ball, Coles is away, his on his own (Beat) GOAL. WEST HAM HAVE
SCORED.

The WEST HAM duo start to taunt:
Twat for eyes, twat for eyes, twat for eyes…

The LIVEPOOL DUO LAUNCH THEMSELVES INTO BATTLE. THE FOUR WOMEN ARE WRESTLING,
ON THE FLOOR, PULLING HAIR AND SCREAMING.

The LOUNGE DOOR OPENS AND A NUN WALKS IN:
Letting off a little steam are we, sisters?

There is a pay-off to this joke, and that part works for me, but I think this needs massive paring down as a lot of the chants and comments and the like aren't amusing enough to sutain interest, IMO.

Thanks for the evaluation. I'm prepared to pare. Let's see what you make of it when it's been pruned.

I've heard this type of dialogue before. I remember noticing it on a visit to Saint Gabriel's Convent in Liverpool. The Sisters/Nuns there specialise in pseudo-dialects such as 'Plastic Paddy', 'Mockney' and of course 'Lousy Scouse' as used in this sketch. The aforementioned are poor imitations and indeed mockeries of genuine cultural dialects such as; Irish (The Republic), Cockney and Liverpudlian. In fact, in his piece, Stephen Birch has captured 'Lousy Scouse' very well. For instance; take the long sentence uttered by Mary:

"You and your ugly, prune-faced, fanny flannel sister pray for it every day and every night whang away with wax dildos you nicked from the chapel."

This is classic 'Lousy Scouse'. I say this because within a GENUINE 'Scouser' face-to-face confrontation, Mary would only get as far as, "You and your ugly, prune-faced -- " before her teeth would be soundly kicked down the back of her Holy Throat, closely followed by a steel toe-cap, blessed by the local priest. Having said that; in the UNLIKELY event that Mary DID manage to utter the long sentence, it would be peppered with 'emmm', 'like' and 'fokin' - these words are generally used as pauses so that raw, genuine Scousers can think of the next curse or insult. We're not talking Roger McGough here, or even Lennon and McCartney; they have evolved - although I'm sure they would revert to their linguistic roots if they were faced with a life-or-death situation... or West Ham supporters.

Thanks for your erudition. Is it not within the realms of possibility that some supporters of Livepool are scousless? Or does the mere mention
of Liverpool oblige 'pudlian charactes to adopt scouseliness?

Quote: Stephen Birch @ July 9 2009, 12:54 PM BST

Thanks for your erudition. Is it not within the realms of possibility that some supporters of Livepool are scousless? Or does the mere mention of Liverpool oblige 'pudlian charactes to adopt scouseliness?

View original

Yes it is within the realms of possibility that some supporters of 'Livepool' as you put it can be 'scousless'. They may also support Live billiards and Live snooker. Note, that even though they are 'scousless' they are not necessarily houseless, mouseless, grouseless or spouseless, neither can their classical record collections be Straussless. This information was given by my maiden aunt, who like yourself, can dish out silly little plays on words. As a matter of fact, my maiden aunt herself is part Scouser; i.e., her transplanted liver was donated by a Scouser; hence - Liver-pudlian. She also has a miniature poodle born in Liverpool - a Liverpoodlean. Oh yes, she really is clever at playing silly buggers with words; she even has a oh-so-clever little signature on the 'Age-Rage' website:

"Let he who is without stone, cast the first sin."

Clever little thing isn't she?