My sitcom attempt

I thought I'd have a crack at writing a sitcom, I've attempted twice before and this one has already got further than both those efforts.

Here's the first scene of the pilot to introduce the characters. I'm not sure what the main plot is going to be yet, this is where I usually get stuck!

http://www.shoepie.co.uk/misc/opener.pdf

Any comments on whether it's funny and if you like the characters appreciated. I'm a bit worried it's started out like a Jim Davidson vehicle when I was going for the IT crowd style.

Hard to tell from such a short extract. A couple of the gags seem a bit 'stretched for' if you know what I mean - e.g. "Female Wayne Rooney impersonator" and "supposed to be car share, not car scare". It doesn't feel quite natural and someone in real life who came out with such clunky gags would get on your nerves really quickly.

It's not a bad gag mind you but it would be better if, for example he was commenting to someone else about it:

"You two car sharing again?"

"More like car scaring the way she drives."

Same with the Cannonball Run/Moustache joke - nice gag, feels a bit forced and would work better moved slightly.

The "I'm just waiting for this conversation to finish" line is very good.

Hey Shoepie!

I'll agree with Afin' here. The dialogue seems unnatural and also none of the characters seem to have an individual voice.

If you're going for The I.T Crowd style, you really need to exaggerate these characters more.

I can totally sympathize with you though. I find it damn hard to write sitcoms, evidence is posted all over critique.

This is why I'm entering the sitcom trials this year. A script that is 10-13 minutes long? I can do that, I've done that lots of times!

Just 10 more pages for you! *gulp*

If you're really stuck with ideas and you burn out quickly. Why not try writing a spec script with established sitcom characters from your favourite show? That way you can dive straight in there. I certainly had a lot of fun writing an Alan Partridge scene once.

Thanks for the feedback.

Yeah I think you're right with those jokes Afinkawan. I'll try and natural it up a bit with your suggestions of breaking them up. Glad you liked the "I'm just waiting for this conversation to finish" line, that's easily my favourite line too 10 more of them and I'd be laughing. My intention is for a joke attempt every few lines so it's a diffiult balance between natural and sitcommy.

The exaggeration of the plot is the thing that's getting me. If I think of the IT crowd plots they were crazy and nothing I've come up with so far feels anywhere near as interesting. The sub-plot is going to be Jan trying to get out of the Car Share with her sponging boss, with the twist being he's trying to get out of it with her.

Doh! Getting the individual voices across was the part I was most satisfied with. Oh well, they're all very different in my head and introducing 4 characters in 2 minutes is probably not enough time. They should flesh out a bit more later.

I'm determind to finish this one now even if it's rubbish.

Shoepie, start the episode with this line:

VICKI
When I got in this morning the website was
down, it's been offline for about twelve
hours. In that time we've lost approximately
£600.

Some of the stuff before isn't bad, but it feels irrelevant. Start with the plot. Write the gags around the plot and don't jog into the story shitting gags along the way.

The biggest obstacle you face is overcoming the ennui of the reader who wants to toss your script away. That's why I start with a big visual gag - it gets you into both the comedy and action.

Then again what do I know - I've made f**kall out of comedy.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ July 8 2009, 2:33 PM BST

Start with the plot. Write the gags around the plot and don't jog into the story shitting gags along the way.

View original

Lol, it's as if you read my mind! That's exactly what I did in terms of feeling my way into the plot. Although I did spend quite a bit of time thinking of the characters.

Now I've mentioned the car sharing is part of the sub-plot. Would you recommend I start earlier with a visual gag? I'm thinking maybe jan knocking Richard off his Bike. or just bin their walk in?

Hey ShoePie

It's difficult to tell from the opening scene. Seems okay to me. Nothing ground-breaking but there might be a decent enough plot there.

I think 'Taxis is right about where to start -- just dive straight in, forget about any introductions and just get us involved right in the story straight away. The characterisations will come out as the plot develops.

When I write, I've written the whole plot out before I start any dialogue, so the 'story' is written before I've got to the first scene.

Hope that helps

Dan

Cheers Dan.

Quote: swerytd @ July 8 2009, 2:42 PM BST

When I write, I've written the whole plot out before I start any dialogue, so the 'story' is written before I've got to the first scene.

View original

Yeah I should probably have done this. I'll get the post-it notes out tonight and start planning properly.

I agree. Bin the first bit. No need to bin the gags, you can have them as a couple of throwaway comments.

I'm assuming that the two word responses are part of Vicki's character? If not, you could bin that bit too as it's not all that funny unless it is what she's like most of the time - in which case the trick might be to get as many of her lines as possible down to just 2 words!

If it was mine (I know it isn't, but if it was) I'd probably open it like this:

INT. MORNING IN A SMALL OFFICE.
The Boss Roger (55) and his secretary Jan (53) arrive together for
work. Jan and Roger pass Richard's (23) desk.

RICHARD
Morning Roger. You two car sharing again?

ROGER
Car scaring more like! A lift from Jan is a bit like the Cannonball Run. She's even got the Burt Reynolds moustache.

JAN
You cheeky sod!

Jan sits down at her desk. Sat opposite Richard is Vicki (26), she is busily tapping away at her computer screen.

ROGER
Good Morning Victoria!

VICKI
Oh, Hi.

ROGER
Is that all I get? Two words? Do you know
what it feels like to pour your heart and
soul into a cheery greeting to a co-worker, only to
get back a short two word response?

VICKI
I dunno.

ROGER
She's doing it again Richard!

Vicki stops what she was working on to talk to Roger.

VICKI
When I got in this morning the website was
down, it's been offline for about twelve
hours. In that time we've lost approximately
£600.

ROGER
Jesus Christ! You don't say much Vicki but
when you do it cuts to the bone! Have you
fixed it yet?

VICKI
I'm just waiting for this conversation to end
and then I'll get straight back on it.

ROGER
Oh right. Well stop distracting her
Richard. Crack on Vicki.

Vicki goes back to working.

First page was enjoyable and shows promise mate. =]

Thanks for the rewrite Afin', I like what you've done, definitely more realistic dialogue. I almost have my main plot sorted and then I'll know what I can chop.

Quote: middle distance productions @ July 8 2009, 11:49 PM BST

First page was enjoyable and shows promise mate.

View original

Cheers mate.

Hi Shoepie

What they said. In sitcom you need to sort your plot and characters - what do they want - what's stopping them getting what they want etc etc Forget gags as such - comedy in sitcom should really be more character based and that's what you really need to strengthen here.

But all that aside well done on getting started on your first sitcom! Expect it to take ages and to make lots of mistakes but by the end you'll have far more idea what you're doing. And will be quicker next time.

I'm still working on my script and I've been tinkering with it for about a year now on and off. Someone who knew what they were doing would have been at the same stage in a few weeks no doubt!

Keep us posted on it - you definitely have the humour/ talent to get there.

I know it would take forever but I'd love to see you do an animated sitcom!

Jx