British Comedy Guide

Blindside script one - Drinking Roots

Here's the first script that was done for Blindside - Hope you enjoy.

SCENE 1. EXT. STREET. NIGHT

NED, dressed in denims and t-shirt, is walking down the street. We hear his thoughts in voiceover.

NED V.O.

My pub. My home from home. Better than my home-home in some ways. It's got alcohol and girls and it doesn't have my socks. Girls who might actually look at a scruffy rocker like me instead of good-looking gits with corporate careers who all seem to be called f**king Steve!

He draws closer to the pub.

NED V.O.

A pint? A shot? Maybe a pint and a shot. Jack and Coke? Maybe a smile at the foxy barmaid with the Ramones tattoo and the cute little nose ring? I could give her my number - slip it in with the tenner. Play it so damn cool, a polar bear sniffing liquid nitrogen.

SCENE. 2. INT. PUB. NIGHT (FANTASY)

GRAMS: ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC.

There is an attractive BARMAID behind the bar, who we see from NED'S P.O.V. She is smiling as she pulls a pint and hands it to NED.

SCENE 3. EXT. STREET. NIGHT

NED is still walking along. His eyes are shut and he is grinning. He opens his eyes as he arrives outside a pub called Laing's. The pub appears to be dead and he looks apprehensive. He tries the doors but they are locked. He notices a sign reading: "Sorry - pub closed permanently". He gapes at it in horror and disbelief.

NED V.O.

This can't be right! There's no way. This is my place. I've got my own wee corner with a view of the jukebox and the barmaid and everything! How can a pub just die like that?!

He drops to his knees and shakes the doors of the pub.

NED

Don't you die on me! Don't you die on me!

He lets out a primal roar of despair. A WOMAN walking past stops and stares at him and he stands up, embarrassed.

NED

Um…they promised to exhibit my beer mats.

He walks away dejectedly.

SCENE 4. INT. PUB. NIGHT

This is a dark and sparsely populated old man's drinking pit. Not one of the few drinkers is under sixty. NED enters and nervously goes up to the bar, with the old men following him with their eyes. The BARMAN looks him with hostility.

BARMAN

We don't want any trouble. Are you old enough to be drinking in here?

NED

I'm thirty one.

BARMAN

That's a 'no' then.

He narrows his eyes suspiciously. NED looks around. The old men are all watching him intently.

NED

Um…pint of Stella?

BARMAN

Stella? None of that here. We find it attracts a young, 'ned' element.

NED

Look - I'm not a ned. Do I look like a ned?

BARMAN

You look like a young person. Who are you and what do you want?

NED (Awkwardly)

Um…I'm Ned (quickly) but it's short for Edward! I want a Jack and Coke.

The BARMAN looks surprised.

BARMAN

You know Jack? Jack!

One of the old men sitting at the bar looks up.

OLD MAN

Eh?

BARMAN

This young 'un's looking for you.

NED

No, I want a Jack and Coke.

OLD MAN

I'm Jack - and this is Coke.

He indicates a small black terrier by his side.

NED

Coke?

OLD MAN

I found her in a coal bin - thought it was appropriate.

NED (To BARMAN)

Becks?

The BARMAN shakes his head. NED quickly leaves the pub.

SCENE 5. EXT. STREET. NIGHT

NED is now roaming the streets aimlessly. Again we hear his V.O.

NED

Well that was freaky. No jukebox even and the cutest thing in there was wee Coke. I like brunettes, but she's not my type.

He keeps walking and finds himself outside another pub, smarter looking. There is a sign saying 'Ben Sherman night - no Matalan allowed'. He looks sceptical, but enters.

SCENE 6. INT. PUB. NIGHT

NED takes one look around and his face drops. It is more fashionable looking. There is a MAN and a WOMAN serving behind the bar and one MAN standing at the bar. NED approaches the bar. The BARMAN moves across to him. He has a badge on his work shirt saying 'Steve'. The phone in the back rings.

BARMAN (To BARMAID)

I'll get it. Could you serve this guy?

He goes into the back. The BARMAID comes over. Her work blouse also has a badge saying 'Steve' on it. NED looks baffled.

BARMAID (Unenthused)

What do you want?

NED

Um…Stella.

She looks baffled.

NED

Stella Artois!

BARMAID

Oh, you mean Steve!

She goes to pour the pint. The pump is in the Stella Artois design, but says 'Steve Artois'. NED looks at it in bemusement.

MAN AT BAR

Hi, I'm Steve.

He holds his hand out. NED reluctantly shakes it.

NED

I'm Ned.

The BARMAID stops pouring the pint and the BARMAN comes through from the back. All three of them stare at NED.

BARMAN

This place isn't for you.

He indicates a sing above the bar which says "The Bar of Steve's".

SCENE 7. EXT. STREET. NIGHT

A shocked looking NED emerges from the pub.

NED V.O.

Jesus - that's just wrong. The only place where a woman should be called Steve is in The Father Dowling Mysteries and then only if she's a streetwise nun!

He walks away shaking his head.

SCENE 8. INT. PUB. NIGHT

This pub is fairly anonymous looking. There is a jukebox, pool table and it is not too busy. NED is chatting to a MAN, looking happy.

NED V.O.

At last! This could be my new haunt.

MAN

Fancy a game of pool?

NED

Cool.

He goes over to the pool table sets up the balls while the MAN goes to the jukebox. The MAN is talking to another MAN at the jukebox. Then they kiss and fondle each other. NED look stunned before looking round and seeing that at the bar two women are kissing. He looks round and sees two men dancing with each other. He tries to drink his pint quickly, swilling it down, before unleashing a mighty involuntary belch. Everyone turns to look at him and he shuffles towards the door.

SCENE 9. EXT. STREET. NIGHT

NED is walking along a street

NED V.O.

It's not that I'm homophobic…I've got nothing against other people being homosexual, I just don't want any potential girls thinking I'm one. Granted there's not much chance of meeting potential girls in a gay bar, but that's just another non-homophobic reason why there was no point in me staying there. It's got nothing to do with homophobia - if lesbians were willing to sleep with me, I'd have no problem with it! If anyone's prejudiced, it's them.

He comes to a totally standard-looking bar.

Ned. V. O.

Right this is it - eleven o'clock. It's either this place or the priesthood and I'm C of S.

He hesitates before swinging the doors open.

SCENE 10. INT. PUB. NIGHT

NED looks around in awe. It doesn't look particularly flashy and some rocker types are scattered around the place. Rock music is playing on the sound system but not too loud. A BARMAID is behind the bar with her back to NED. He goes up and patiently waits. The BARMAID turns and NED gapes at her. It is the GIRL from his fantasy. He starts to say something, but she puts her finger to her lips and shakes her head.

BARMAID (Loudly)

Time gentlemen, please!

NED looks frustrated.

End.

Over my head, sorry.

It's okay. Seems very long and I reckon a few more jokes along the way wouldn't go amiss, especially background posters/signs etc. Little laughs along the journey. For example, the last pub needs to be called something ('The King's Perfection' or something less shit), the 'last orders' bell needs to ring as he shouts, etc, etc.

The gay bit in the pub is a bit tired. Can't you put your own spin on it? It's a bit 'let's laugh cos they're gay!' rather than original. Even if it's as simple as being obvious to the viewer and Ned slowly working it out/being two steps behind.

I'm sure this could be done quicker as a sketch for TV, but I don't know what Blindside are looking for, so it might be a perfect size for them.

Dan

It was ironic but it dragged along a bit too much for me, Balf.

There's some good situations in there. An amount of trimming could spruce it up.

Unless Blindside are happy as is.

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