EXT: BANKS OF A RIVER. MAN FISHING. A KID APPROACHES AND PAUSES,
WATCHING THE LACK OF ACTION:
KID:
"Caught anything?"
ANGLER:
"Yeah, caught chicken pox when I was a kid."
KID CONTINUES WATCHING:
ANGLER PULLS HIS LINE CLEAR OF THE WATER WITH MAGGOTS WRIGGLING ON THE HOOK.
KID:
"No luck, then?"
ANGLER:
"Watcha talkin' about. I just caught 4 maggots."
KID CONTINUES WATCHING:
ANGLER:
"Wanna hava go with my rod?"
STROLLER:
"Sodding pervert."
END.
Too many questions at the beginning -- stick to just 'rule of three'.
You can't use 'luck' twice (at the top and then further down) so cut that one.
Other than that, quite nice wordplay. Reminds me of Milton Jones. He's been gone too long...
Dan
Agree with Dan on the rule of three, hence my original comment about too many strollers.
Ending is better without the kid.
Thanks to you both. Your valuable advice is heeded!
I've never been heeded before. I feel a bit evil...
Dan
Like the maggots line. The rest can go. Why not just have the maggot line as a quickie and that be it.
I'd go with the rule of three and make the stroller a kid, so the punch has more bite.
Thus spake Sarah the Thruster: Your wisdomful words are aheed of their time.
Thanks.
Quote: Griff @ July 7 2009, 6:37 PM BSTI keep reading this thread as FISTING ENTENDRES.
STROLLER: Is this a bad time?
FISTER: I don't know, I can't see my watch.
Re-write is a lot better. Just a word on the format...
KID: denotes that the character is speaking, so there's no need for quote marks. It's ok in a story, e,g, the kid said, "Caught anything?" But not in a script. It should be:
KID:
Caught anything?
Thanks Joseff. Your appreciated comment has helped reduce my noviceness.