Hi everyone,
Long time prowler on these forums but this is my first post. I'm not sure what the etiquette is about number of sketches per post so I'll put up my rejects week-by-week.
Hope it makes a few people laugh, but am looking for criticisms as to what's wrong, what I can learn or do to be better.
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HOW TO LOOK LIKE SUSAN BOYLE
F/X
ELF-HELP SHOW JINGLE
NARRATOR:Are you a woman? Do heads not turn anymore when you enter a room? Has your man stopped complementing you, or even worse, have you not trapped a man yet?
WOMAN:Mmm-Hmm.
NARRATOR:Are you tired of looking like every other talentless slag and want a new look, but are too brain-dead and apathetic to come up with one?
WOMAN:Yup.
NARRATOR:Well we have the solution for you! From the makers of the Bouffant, the Beehive, the Punk, the Glam, the Sinead O'Connor and the Lady-mullet! We bring you… the 'Susan Boyle'. That's right, you too can get a head start on the next big fashion trend and make yourself look like the 'thing' that roused the nation with her amazing singing talent, Susan Boyle.
WOMAN:Wow!
NARRATORtep one, stop using shampoo and conditioner, form now on you're going to wash your head in the kitchen-sink using washing-up liquid. Fairy is fine if you're new to this but if you really want to be authentic then try and use some own-brand stuff from Aldi or any other supermarket for immigrants.
F/X:WOMAN WASHES HEAD IN SINK
NARRATORtep two, eyebrows! Stop plucking them, and to help them along let's meet our new friend, Doctor Sanchez.
DOCTOR:Hola!
NARRATOR:He's got some testosterone pills for you, they'll work wonders for your eyebrows and upper-body strength alike, that way you can herd bison and look good while doing it, just like the real Susan. By the way, if you don't have a Doctor Sanchez near you then try to find any Doctor that's accredited by a good South-American medical college, preferably somewhere like Bolivia or Peru.
F/X
ILLS RATTLING, WATER POURING IN GLASS, WOMAN GULPING.
NARRATOR:Next, step three. While Doctor Sanchez is here, he might as well re-attach your hymen so no-one will ever know you've fornicated several hundred men, half of those in Ibiza and the other half in the teacher's lounge at school.
F/XOWER TOOLS.
NARRATOR:There! Now no-one will ever know you've been a pissed-up whore since you were thirteen, all we need now is an appropriate outfit and the transformation is complete!
F/X:TWIRLING SPARKLY NOISE.
NARRATOR:Amanda Holden will cry for you, Simon Cowell's jaw will drop for you and Oprah will want to fly you to America so you can appear on her show and be patronised in front of the millions of women, homosexuals and unemployed losers that watch daytime television.
WOMAN:This is the best thing that's ever happened to me!
NARRATOR:Because you're worth it.
END OF SKETCH
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CELEB DIARY - GEORGE W. BUSH
BUSH:Hey gang, it's your main man G to the W to the B-U-S-H here. That's Bush, George W. Bush, in case you're not that smart at rapping, or spelling, it's all good. So you may wonder what I've been up to. What does the former leader of the free world, two-term, elected by the people, you can thank democracy for that, anyway what does the former leader of the free world do when suddenly everything's gone? Well, why don't you pop open a cold one and join me.
F/X:BEER BOTTLE OPENS.
BUSH:I tried hanging out with Dad, throw the ball around a bit, practice dodging shoes, but I think he's upset about something.
BUSH SENIOR:All my friends make fun of me because of you, you made a mess of the country and you've ruined the Bush legacy and family name. Get the hell out of here!
BUSH:All I wanted was a pop-tart. Chocolate or strawberry, I'm easy. Laura got used to not having me around as well. I just wanted to help her with the gardening but she kept yelling at me to stop hovering. For the sake of our marriage she got me a subscription to World of Warcraft.
F/X:COMPUTER GAME NOISES.
BUSH:I got bored of that pretty quick, and everyone calls me a noob! If I were still president I could have them killed. I didn't even use up all of my presidential assassinations, I wonder if I can still redeem them? I thought about giving Cheney a call but he's been hella grumpy too.
CHENEY:I'll shoot you in the face!
BUSH:I'm pretty sure he's not kidding. I'm down to my last option, sneaking back in to the White House. Now, don't tell anyone but there's a secret tunnel running underneath the Oval Office, Clinton had it extended to the all-night deli and yours truly knows exactly where it is. I can't really tell you because of national security and stuff, but it's on my facebook page, so go check it out and add me to your friends!
F/X:CRAWLING THROUGH TUNNEL, OPENING HATCH.
BUSHo here we are, good times I had in this place. I remember when me and Rummie had a race to see who could run all the way around the garden butt-nekkid, I won. Or when me and Connie put whoopee cushions under every chair, that was the most awesome day ever! Anyway, Obama's in now, good luck to him, seems like a nice guy. Not sure about his taste in DVDs though, he has Slumdog Millionaire, I hadn't seen it so I put it on. It wasn't bad at all, but those are the weirdest Mexicans I ever seen. I didn't even know you guys had Mexicans over there in Britain-land. Well I can't go on forever, I gotta get back to my night-elf in Warcraft, I'm nearly level two! Jai-Ho dude!
END OF SKETCH
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IN THE NEWS
MAN:In the news this week, many are asking if all the attention the media is paying to the MPs expenses row is taking away from other important issues such as the row over banks and pension payments to people such as Fred Goodwin. When our reporter caught up with Sir Fred recently he stalled for time then vanished in a puff of smoke like Wiley Coyote, hovered over a ledge for a moment until he realised gravity still existed then fell to his death. A large boulder proceeded to fall on top of him and the Queen has said she'll give the boulder Sir Fred's knighthood, saying 'I'm sure it'll do a better job than he did'.
WOMAN:Last week saw the start of the Penal tour de France, President Sarkozy has said he was delighted that such a thing existed and that the event would actually take place, giving it his full support. Until an aide told him what 'penal' meant, at which point he swiftly changed his mind and vanished in a puff of smoke, off a ledge, and a boulder fell on top of him.
MAN:US researchers have found that the turmeric in Curry can reverse the damage that dementia and Alzheimer's does to the brain, and that it might help fight these diseases in humans. When asked to comment they said they were pretty sure of their results but first they needed to breed a rat whose arse didn't erupt into flames when they fed it the curry.
WOMAN:Two thousand year old ancient Roman tablets that were found near the historical site of Hadrian 's Wall that detailed hundreds of expense claims by Roman officials in the settlement are to be returned to their native site Vindolanda for a series of exhibitions. The museum say they hope the recent interest in the media of MPs expenses will bring patrons in to see these ancient expense claims. They were wrong, it didn't, nobody cared.
MAN:Researchers have recorded hummingbirds swooping so fast that they actually break the speed of sound, and can even go faster than an F-14 jet. Apparently a stuffed model of a female bird was used to inspire what is thought to be courtship behaviour, the researchers also noted that when the female models were introduced to male hummingbirds that were already mated all they got was a bit of arse-scratching and indifferent grunting.
WOMAN:An Italian company has released a robot in a small town in Italy, Dustbot comes over to your house when you call a number and picks up your garbage. Most users so far are women, with men saying they'd consider using the service if the Dustbot gave blowjobs like real maids do.
MAN:This week saw the publication of several emails Lord Mandelson had sent about Priminister Gordon Brown in which he claims that the PM is 'insecure'. When asked to comment the PM said "L-O-L! W-T-F dude!"
WOMANir Alan Sugar has been appointed the government's Tsar on business. The labour party say it's the best way they know of to let the PM know "he's fired".
END OF SKETCH
Newsjack Vox-Pops rejects, week-1
VOXPOP:How dare the Aussies take offence to Gordon Ramsay! I don't want my parents to know what I've been up to on holiday, that's why we go on holiday, to get away from home and do the things we can't do at home! If the Australian Priminister is going to take offence to everything we do then he's got a long hot summer ahead of him.
VOXPOP:I used to be a scout and I agree that phones4U's recent ads showing the 'scout master' character as a geeky, balding, middle-aged man with no friends is inaccurate. If they wanted to keep it real they would've shown him as a bad-tempered, alcoholic child-molester.
VOXPOP:You seen this 73-year old guy that's won £25m on the lottery? "What more could you ask for than a wonderful wife, great kids and great grandkids" he said, well £25m quid would be nice wouldn't it? Apparently he thought so as well, or else he wouldn't be playing the lottery.