Ramsey's Governmental Nightmares

Another crash and burn from my Newsjack submissions.

RAMSEY: Hello, and welcome to "Ramsey's Governmental Nightmares". With me, Gordon Ramsey…

BROWN:And me, Gordon Brown…A-ha-ha.

RAMSEY: I don't know what you're so F**king pleased about. This place is a bloody shambles.

BROWN:Well, erm.

RAMSEY: I mean, look at all this crap. This additional funding for infrastructure projects?

BROWNNERVOUSLY). Erm, yes?

RAMSEY: Well that's not f**king fresh is it?

BROWNh yes, chef Ramsey, fresh in this announcement.

RAMSEY: Just smell it. Does that smell fresh to you? Well, does it?

BROWN: Erm… no Chef.

RAMSEY: No Chef! That's right. How often have you used this before?

BROWNnce?

RAMSEY: F**k off!

BROWN: OK. Five times?

RAMSEY: And you're happy to serve up this reheated crap to your customers? You should be ashamed!

BROWN: Well, it worked in my previous job.

RAMSEY: Look at this menu. Rights for the consumer for healthcare and education. What's this about?

BROWN: Well, it's an exciting new concept. Instead of targets for the public sector we're giving consumers legally enforceable rights.

RAMSEY: And you've increased investment to allow them to be delivered?

BROWN: No, we thought just having the rights would motivate the public sector to deliver excellent service.

RAMSEY: Jesus! (MUSING) How can I explain this…I know! Gordon, what have I got here?

BROWN: Carrots Chef?

RAMSEY: Now ask me to make chicken fajitas and rice.

BROWN: Please make some chick….

RAMSEY: I can't, I've only got carrots! <BEAT> Now tell me you have a right to chicken fajitas.

BROWN: Erm…OK…I have a right to chicken…

RAMSEY: I still can't f**king make it! I've only got carrots. You knob! <BEAT> see what I mean?

BROWN: Erm…not really..a-ha-ha.

RAMSEY: And what's this?

BROWN: A new deal for homeseekers to ensure British Homes for British Workers.

RAMSEY: Oh God! I can't believe this. You're supposed to be a quality Parliamentary party, you can't pedal this crap. Look at the label. What does it say?

BROWN: Erm…BNP.

RAMSEY: That's it, we're closing this service down.

Hey Ponderer

This is a great idea. Made me laugh and particularly the line:
"And you're happy to serve up this reheated crap to your customers? You should be ashamed!"

Problem that there isn't enough 'going on' (if it's for Newsjack). He might be better in the 'kitchen' of the cabinet, with three or four primary members, acting as the sous-chef (Alistair Darling)/maitre d'/front of house. Then tell Gordon that he should sack Alistair and shout that 'you can't, can you? You're too gutless!' and then prove Mandelson/Blears don't/didn't know what they were doing. '*How* much did this cost?!!' (expenses reference)

Great idea though.

Dan

Thanks for reading Dan. Some nice ideas there to spice it up. I've had this idea as a possible run of sketches in my head for a while but never tried to get it out. I may revisit with your ideas and try again.

Yeah, it's a potential runner I thought too: 'Ramsay's Financial Nightmares' (football clubs), 'Ramsay's Political Nightmares UN' and, finally, 'Ramsay's Actual Nightmares' where he goes in his own head to sort out his own dreams.

Dan

Sounds good. I might have a fiddle and see where it goes. Perhaps the ramsey's nightmares one would involve him paying £5 million of his own money to bail out his bloated cooking empire?

The idea of him berating/being extremely obnoxious to himself/not listening to his own advice, calling himself a loudmouth prick and saying he's 'the hardest person I've ever had to deal with' (TM) would be an interesting twist (of Being John Malkovich proportions!)

'Political Nightmares' sorting out how North Korea, Iran and the West don't get on is ramping the claustrophobic sense of the kitchen to a global scale! 'If you can't stand the heat, get... off of the Earth!'

Dan