MILES:
Doctors have been debating whether medical staff should be allowed to discuss spiritual matters with patients and share their faith with those in their care. My only worry is that one Nurse will get carried away and start using blessed grape juice in blood transfusions after reasoning that if you need a blood donor, who better than Jesus. I went undercover at my local hospital to see if I could provoke any nurses to break current regulations and hit me with their pastoral voodoo. I thought I'd best cunningly disguise myself as a typical Christian.
F/X: BUSY HOSPITAL RECEPTION
MILES:
Um, excuse me. I seem to…
NURSE:
(INTERRUPTING) I'll be with you in a moment sir…(SHOCKED GASP AND PAUSE) Christ…what have you done?
MILES:
Ah, you've spotted the reference. As you can see in a foolish tribute to our Lord I have got my outstretched hands super-glued to either end of a cross that is rather painfully resting on my back, leaving me in this distasteful pose. And it is distasteful; it makes a mockery of Christian values. On the way here someone on the street asked if I could spare some change and I had to tell them 'No, sorry I tried copying Jesus and now I can't reach my pockets'. (BEAT) It's a good excuse actually.
NURSE:
That's not a cross. That's the big M from a Mcdonalds sign.
MILES:
(EMBARASSED) I tried crosses but I kept getting splinters. The workmanship on this is superb though, curved edges, no loose parts. I'm afraid Christian symbols don't meet health and safety criteria.
NURSE:
Ok. Well I suppose we'd best try to get your hands unstuck Follow me.
F/X: THEY WALK TO A ROOM. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.
NURSE:
Ok, this seems a simple job. Just some warm soapy water and Vaseline will slip it right off.
MILES:
Hmm. You don't think that's relying too much on Earthly goods?
NURSE:
Pardon?
MILES:
Do we need soap and Vaseline? For doesn't our faith already cleanse us, and doesn't our faith already make us all oily and slippery plus keep our lips fulsome and attractive?
NURSE:
I don't know what you're referring to.
MILES:
(SOULFUL PREACHER STYLE) Can I get a hallelujah, sister?
NURSE:
Oh…do you want to talk to Jesus?
MILES:
Ah, so you're asking me if I'd like you to impose your Christian believes on my medical treatment… I don't suppose that's allowed is it?
NURSE:
Oh no, it's absolutely fine. Hang on.
F/X: PICKS UP PHONE. DIALS NUMBER
MILES:
Aha! Caught you! This is against NHS regula…
NURSE:
(SPEAKS OVER MILES) Hello, Jesus? I have a patient here who'd like to speak to you.
MILES:
(BEWILDERED) He's…you've actually got Jesus on the phone?
NURSE:
Yes, we have a direct-line. Would you like to speak to him?
MILES:
Of course! (GIDDILY) Hello Jesus.
(D) GORDON BROWN:
Hello, this is Jesus.
MILES:
(GASPS) I'm a huge fan. I have to say, the 'Feeding of the 5,000' thing that was an extraordinary act of social and fiscal responsibility that we'd do well to mirror in this economic downturn.
(D) GORDON BROWN:
If you liked that, remember the Conservatives would cut public spending. In a Tory Jerusalem there would have been but one fish and one loaf of bread, is that enough to service a modern Britain?
MILES:
(PAUSE) What are you talking about, Jesus?
(D) GORDON BROWN:
(QUICKLY) Oh nothing. I hear you are ailed brother
MILES:
Yes Jesus. What should I do?
(D) GORDON BROWN:
I think you should go home, sleep it off there and save the NHS the expense of treating you. With the current deficit we need to spare all the costs we can. I'll be watching though, so everything will be just fine. (TRIES TO LAUGH IN A REASSURING WAY BUT IT COMES OUT UNNERVING)
MILES:
Brilliant!
BACK TO STUDIO
MILES:
So there we have it. I left and wouldn't you know it. The Lord sent a group of boy racers who grabbed the sign on my back as they drove past ripping it from my hands. (PAUSE) Look, no skin!