Thomas the National Express Engine.

FX SOUND OF STEAM TRAIN PULLING INTO A STATION

VO(SOUNDS LIKE RINGO STARR)
Thomas the National Express Engine pulled into the station he was very proud he was only half an hour late.

FAT CONTROLLER
Hello Thomas

VO
Said the Fat Controller.

THOMAS
Why have you got 5 suitcases stuffed full of money?

VO
Asked Thomas.

THOMAS
Because I've had to resign. I bought the railways from the government made loads of money but I couldn't be bothered to pay them back.

VO
Said the Fat Controller smuggly.

THOMAS
So how are you going to say sorry?

VO
Asked Thomas.

FAT CONTROLLER
By going to work some where sunny with 5 suitcases full of money.

VO
Said the Fat Controller even more smuggly.

THOMAS
But who will run the railways?

VO
Asked Thomas nervously.

GORDON BROWN.
I will but all these messy trains will be replaced by nice modern Trident Submarines, all the sandwiches will cost £400 and it'll all be paid for by PFI.

THOMAS
Oh crap it's the prat controller.

VO
Said Thomas planning to move to Australia.

Hehe I liked this.

I assume this is for Newsjack otherwise I know you would have gone for Twat Controller!

Aboslutely.

And it would have been twat, one eyed, shit bag, worst f**king labour PM hope Mandelson f**ks him in his eye socket controller.

Very good, I like the way it works well with the narrator style, simple and punchy. Might be worth branching into a Mr-men stylee sketch too.

Yes, liked the style of it as well. Good, although I don't know what PFI is.

Funny.

How's Gordon Brown going to appear BTW?
'Cos there is a train called Gordon...probably what you meant anyway!

But of course if it's radio...DOH!

This is a good un, Soot. Agree you've successfully made a comic feature of the narration.

Nice Soots.

Thanks I enjoyed writing it, hope it isn't too much of a cliche.

I liked this one, soots. Very clever and funny.

How about:

VO:
Said Thomas, before pissing off to Australia.

as a last line (or something in that ballpark)?

You could elaborate on line one, adding something about 'well within the penalty boundaries for a six-month rolling performance window' (or other such management gubbins)

(Your second 'THOMAS' line should be 'FAT CONTROLLER' btw)

Dan

Quote: sootyj @ July 4 2009, 10:45 AM BST

GORDON BROWN.
I will but all these messy trains will be replaced by nice modern Trident Submarines, all the sandwiches will cost £400 and it'll all be paid for by PFI.

THOMAS
Oh crap it's the prat controller.

VO
Said Thomas planning to move to Australia.

View original

Sooty, I've laid out my response terribly, in that I've deleted everything I liked, and left the bit I thought wasn't funny. I thought the build-up was brilliant, and the Ringo bits especially are really ace, but for me the punchline was the worst bit of the sketch. I wish I had a suggestion to offer in how to improve the ending, but I haven't.

Seriously though, I think the Ringo interjections are brilliant.

That's a decent one sootyj. It's fluid and funny.

Editorial note: You've given the FC's lines about resignation to THOMAS.

Quote: sootyj @ July 4 2009, 10:45 AM BST

FX SOUND OF STEAM TRAIN PULLING INTO A STATION
TOOT TOOT

THOMAS
I'm sorry I'm an hour late I know that's very naughty

VO(LIKE RINGO STARR)
Said Thomas nervously.

FAT CONTROLLER
Not half as naughty as I've been. I bought the railways from the government made loads of money didn't pay for them and now I'm off to Dubai.

VO
Said the Fat Controller greedily.

THOMAS
Will you need an extra carriage for all those sacks of money on the platform?

VO
Asked Thomas.

FAT CONTROLLER
No I'll be taking Peter the Private Jet. You don't really think I take railways do you?

VO
Said the Fat Controller hypocritically.

THOMAS
But who will run the railways?

VO
Asked Thomas nervously.

THE FAT CONTROLLER
The governments taken them over they did such a good job with; the Underground , the navy and ID cards.

VO
Said the Fat Controller laughing up his sleeve.

THOMAS
Oh dear it's the prat controllers. Looks like I'll be going off the rails

VO
Said Thomas saddly.

View original

I think the rewrite is a bit heavy-handed to be honest, though I think the "off the rails" ending is better. I would try to keep Gordon in there, and I would make use of Dan's suggestion in the opening.

Loved it (preferred 1st version though)