Newsjack Reject: Choose Tennis.

It's a bit hackneyed this, but I thought it was worth writing. Wasn't worth recording though.

MILES:

Meanwhile Murray Mania has swept across the nation like an ugly comb-over on an otherwise bald and flaky scalp. Andy Murray has proven himself to be an inspiration for numerous sulky, miserable young people locked indoors scowling blankly into the middle-distance by showing them that it's possible to be sulky and miserable outside. Such is Murray's appeal that he was recently asked to record a promotional video to encourage youngsters to take up Tennis.

'LUST FOR LIFE' BY IGGY POP

ANDY MURRAY:

Choose Tennis.

Choose practicing every day.

Choose committing yourself to working on your game and your fitness to the exclusion of everything else.

Choose going slightly mad due to practicing every day and working on your fitness to the exclusion of everything else.

Choose pouring your Lucozade into an empty can of Tennent's and sipping from it while hanging around, with your shirt off, by the training courts staring menacingly at all the other players.

Choose practicing smack-talk in-front of the mirror; like 'Hey Federer! You: Love! Me: whipping your ass!'

Choose taking yoga so you can learn how to high-five yourself after some smack-talk as you don't have any friends.

Choose preparing for your potential opponents by scrolling your finger down the tournament listings while singing 'This little piggy went to market' then slapping some slabs of pork about.

Choose talking to the strings of your racket like they're troops in the army; bark at them that they must conquer as the honour of their Queen is at stake…for added incentive dress up in a frock and tiara and proclaim yourself their Queen.

Choose howling at the moon.

Choose to urinate on all fours wherever it pleases you like the King of Beasts, the lion; human kings are but men in the toilet, I am beyond mere men.

I chose not to choose Tennis. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no reasons. Who needs reasons when you've got… erm, Tennis.

(EMBARASSED PAUSE)

Oh, turns out I must have chose to choose Tennis then. That explains why I'm the person telling you to choose Tennis. If I hadn't chose to choose Tennis this confession would all have been blissfully ironic. Sometimes I'm confused by the voices in my head…they sound exactly like John McEnroe. They say 'You cannot be serious' so I try laughing hysterically and everyone around me looks frightened. I don't know why. People have told me laughter is contagious. If laughter is contagious then why don't people laugh when I pin them down and do it in their faces?

(HEAVY BREATHING)

I have to go practice now. Bye.

END

Lovely idea, not quite enough gags.

Ta for the feedback. I should have injected it with a little more variety really, it's just a list of deranged, sinister behaviour based on Murray sometimes putting me in mind of a wirey Scottish sociopath with his scowling and pacing.

Still, shame it dosen't work.

Really liked the idea but, as noted, the balance between jokes and scary shit is a little off.

Heh, I possibly should be worried that I can't distinguish between the two.

I agree that it's a fine idea but it would benefit from a few cuts.

Why not simplify it and send off to Newsrevue? Or is it already old news?

Bloomin topical sketches - out of date as soon as you write em!

You could adapt to other stories though.

JP

Oh, Murray is going to skulking about for a while now. I'm sure it's appropriate for anytime a tornaments on. What would you recommend cutting?

The only feedback I've had from Newsjack (and that was when I asked for it) was sketches have to be 'zippy'.

I've noticed a similar pattern with another sketch of yours that they are very 'wordy'. I tend to do the same by the way and am not exactly qualified to give advice as I've not got one on yet but from listening to others I think you (and I) need to be brutally honest and go through our scripts marking where the laugh out loud moments are rather than the wry smiles. And basically cut everything else.

On Dave Cohen's course he said as a new writer you're more likely to have success with the shorter sketches - one page or two at the most.

The good news is you have the funny ideas - technique can always be worked on!

Jx

Yeah, agree that it's a bit wordy and needs to be funnier. Cut out the bit at the bottom and just concentrate on parodying the 'Choose Life' bit, making that as funny as possible. How about making it 'Choose Arrogance' rather than 'Tennis'?

Dan

My interest with the sketch was the deranged monologue and examples of Murrays madness really. The concepts not really something I'm keen on to be honest (I dislike movie parody's or pastiches), it was just a framing device. I should have agonized a little more over the acts of insanity and the tone they'd take. And maybe putting it in a recording studio to give the madness a straight-man to play off with would have dampened the overwhelming unfunny mood of the piece.

Thanks for the suggestions, but I think I'm calling this one a write-off. Don't know what I was thinking with it really.

I thought the sketch was really good up until the 'EMBARRASSED PAUSE' then from there, it lost me.