Supermarket sitcom: Part 2

Hey Guys,

The original scene was here:

https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/13211

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INT - DAN'S HOUSE - HALLWAY

Dan walks into his house and shuts the door behind him.

HOUSEMATE: (o.o.v) You left your dirty dishes in the sink...yet again.

Dan sighs and drops his bag onto the floor. He walks into the living room, where his housemate is lying on the sofa in his boxer shorts, watching 'Animal Rescue' (or some other program you have on but don't actually 'watch'), with a spaghetti stain on his chest.

DAN: (DISGUSTEDLY) Oh, come on! Didn't we create a house-rule about you in your boxer shorts?

HOUSEMATE: And didn't we create a house rule about you cleaning the dishes every two days? And cooking dinner on a Wednesday? And keeping your room tidy?

DAN: "My room tidy"?! Why were you in my room in the first place?

HOUSEMATE: There was a funny smell coming from inside. I thought you might have died.

DAN: You saw me leave for work this morning! You even told me to get some milk.

HOUSEMATE: And did you get any?

DAN: Well, no, I haven't, have I? That's not the point I was trying to make.

HOUSEMATE: Well that's just fine. We'll just eat our cereal out of the packet using our hands - like barbarians.

DAN: It was MY MILK! I even had to draw a line on it to see who was drinking it all. Mystery solved. (BEAT) By the way, you still owe me your share of the gas bill. It comes out at sixty -

HOUSEMATE: (INTERRUPTING) Sssshhhhh....i'm trying to watch this thing.

Housemate turns round to start watching the TV again.

DAN: (PAUSE) Piss-take.

Dan walks up stairs, passing his eastern-european housemate who doesn't make any attempt to let him through, forcing Dan to slide up against the wall. He gets into his room, shuts the door behind him, sits on his bed and lets out a large sigh.

He starts hearing knocking on the wall behind him, which gets louder and louder. Then comes the sound of muffled, excited sounding voices.

DAN: Do they ever stop!? (shouting through the wall) OI! Jeff! It's only 9 at night for god's sake - watch 'Top Gear' or something for a change.(PAUSE, sounds carry on) Oh, Sod this..

Dan lets out a massive sigh and rubs his face, frustrated. He starts playing the video game.

Due to a glitch in the game, Dan's character get's stuck in an imaginary wall and he can't move anywhere.

DAN: This officially blows.

The power in the house goes out completely and then comes back on.

There is a knock on Dan's door. Dan walks over and opens it, finding Jeff on the other side with a towel wrapped around his waist.

DAN(backing off a bit, covering his eyes): Aw, God!

JEFF: Was that you overloading our circuits again with your shi**y torrents and all that boll**ks?

DAN: Does no-one bother wearing clothes in this house or what?! No, it wasn't me! I've only had my telly on!

JEFF: It made Shelly trip over, she's twisted her bloody ankle and she's moaning now.

DAN (shrugs): What do you want me to do about it? It's not my fault, is it? I don't care. Tell her to be more careful.

JEFF: You don't care that my girlfriend's just twisted her ankle?

DAN: No. For one, she's only been your girlfriend about four hours and two, neither of you care when you're up rutting like a pair of noisy bast*rds til half four in the morning and I've got an early shift, do you?

JEFF (walking off): Oh, get a proper job.

DAN (after him): Get some bloody pants on.

Dan slams the door .

END SCENE.

EXT - OUTSIDE DAN'S HOUSE - MORNING

Stu is waiting for Dan on the wall outside his house. A exhausted looking Dan goes out to greet him.

STU: You look like crap.

DAN: Good morning to you too.

STU: Did Jeff keep you up again?

DAN: Till 3am. It was like 'Caligula does Springbreak' in there.

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Is the dialogue believable?

I thought it was decent enough. The scene escalated nicely and the final line was good.

We came up with some more today. It will all slot together eventually! (he says)

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INT - GAMERSTORE

Wall of exciting looking games. Stu picks up a Pro Evo and turns to the back. Camera carries us across the wall of smart looking games, we come to Dan at the bargain bin.

DAN: Argh, God, they call this is a bargain BIN for a reason. (BEAT) There's a johnny in here.

STU: Maybe it came free with a game - a 'rubber johnny peripheral'. To be fair, If you spend two quid on something from in there, you get what you deserve.

Dan lifts a game out of the basket and looks at it, confused and unimpressed.

DAN: "Metal Gear Cohen: Tactical Stealth Espionage in Nazi Germany"? How is that even worth 2 quid?

Stu holds onto a copy of (something ace) and waves it in front of Dan's face.

DAN: I can't afford that!

STU: Err...hello? You never heard of the 5-finger discount?

DAN: Err...Hello? You never noticed those big metal barriers at the front of the shop that bleep when people steal stuff?

STU: Err...Hello -

DAN: (INTERRUPTING) Let's just stop the 'Hello' exchanges...

STU: If we walk through at the same time they won't know which of us has it. Me and a mate did it with a copy of 'Hancock'.

DAN: ...A needless risk if ever I heard one. Let's just stick to the junk in this bin.

The girl behind the counter shouts over to them, they both turn.

GIRL: We're closing in five minutes, guys.

DAN: Alright, thanks. Come on, we have to find something.

They plough through the stuff in the basket, Dan finding the Eternal Quest. He looks at it as if it's familiar, almost frozen. Stu spots him.

STU: What?

DAN: This looks dead familiar. I don't remember playing it or anything though..

He flips it round, they both see Dan's early handwriting.

STU: Whoa. Was that yours? What're the chances?

Dan keeps looking all round the box, puzzled.

DAN: I sort of remember playing it.. but I don't..

STU: Do you even have your Mega Drive anymore?

DAN: It's at the bottom of my wardrobe somewhere.. I'm going to get this.

STU: Is it a two player?

DAN: No..

STU: Oh right, cheers, mate.

DAN: My second controller doesn't have a 'B' or a 'C' button anymore, so it wouldn't make a difference. You'd just be jumping constantly.

They take the game up to the counter.

DAN: Hi. Can we have this please?

Sophie looks down at the game, and back up to the guys.

SOPHIE: This game? Seriously?

DAN: I have got a 360 as well you know! We wanted something retro for a change. (BEAT) I'm not cheap.

A bit 'niche' maybe...?
But then I'm not a gamer.
Dialogue is fine - it just doesn't have the general appeal of the other scene.