The Incredibly Vindictive House

The Incredibly Vindictive House
Written by Adam Blaize

EXT.FOREST.AFTERNOON

Four friends are inspecting their surroundings. There is an incredibly old and creepy looking house and it is surrounded by forestry.

JENNY
Wow Michael, this looks amazing.

RACHAEL
Yeah. How did you manage to find this place? It's so secluded.

MICHAEL
Well it's been in my family for generations.

JENNY
Tony, what do you think?

Pause

TONY
Hang on, is it just me who finds the situation that we are in now, extremely similar to the one that we were in last year?

Pause

TONY
And the year before last?

Pause

TONY
Oh, and the year before the year before last? I mean, we just always seem to end up in really creepy and somewhat secluded places?

JENNY
Oh really Tony I mean, that is preposterous.

TONY
2005; rave in an abandoned insane asylum turns from midnight orgy; to us being pursued by a man in an eclipse t-shirt wielding a chainsaw in our direction. 2007; a weekend in a small Scottish village ends with Peter, being sacrificed by a horde of Steven Merchant fanatics. 2008; the country is gripped by an economic nightmare, otherwise known as, 'the recession'!!

RACHAEL
Oh here we go. Every year you find something to complain about.

JENNY
Move aside everybody; make room for Tony, otherwise known as 'the cynic'.

Collective laughing from everyone (except for Tony)

TONY
Do you not see?

JENNY
See what?

TONY
That we, and by we, I mean you and me, somehow survive and yet we still end up in situations, that are not the same, but are incredibly similar.

JENNY
What?

TONY
This is another clichéd nightmare, in an abandoned, yet incredibly vindictive house and it just happens to be in the middle of an old forest. I mean am I the only one who has noticed the tree twig voodoo dolls hanging from the trees?

HOUSE (LOUDLY)
Screams of terror and death await you all!!

TONY
Bloody hell!! Did you not just hear that?

RACHAEL
Hear what?

TONY
The house just implied, in no uncertain terms, that we are all going to die!!

JENNY
You've always had an over-active imagination.

MICHAEL
I'm going to collect some firewood.

TONY
Hang on, why do we need firewood? We're going to be staying in a house.

RACHAEL
I'll come and help.

MICHAEL
Oh hang on I better just get my axe.

TONY
Your axe!!

Pause

Michael and Rachael both walk off into the forest

JENNY
Oh well it looks like it's just the two of us. Hey, why don't we score some alone time while the others are away?

TONY
Because A) there is a voyeuristic house watching our every move and B) there is a very good chance that any gratuitous nudity will end in a horrific way. Just stay near to me until Rachael and Michael come back with the firewood.

JENNY
Hey, if you want gratuitous nudity, you can have...

TONY
Oh wonderful. The flirtatious banter between opposite genders has begun. Why don't we just hack off our limbs now? Or would you prefer us to do foreplay first?

JENNY
Oh God. I just love it when you talk cynical. Oh Tony, take
me now.

HOUSE
I can't. Not while the house is watching.

JENNY
Oh for God sakes Tony. I'm going for a walk.

It begins to rain heavily before a thunder storm begins, albeit abruptly.

TONY
Rain; and thunder!! Oh what next?

F/X The house begins to laugh; louder and louder, more maniacal every time.

END SKETCH

I think you could write a better punchline (and I'm judging that on the quality of the sketch, the punchline is servicable but I just think there is a better one to be found and you'd be capable of finding it). Otherwise it's terrific. I especially liked 'Oh wonderful' after gratutious nudity. I did actually envision grautious nudity in my mind i.e - a shot behind her showing her getting her breasts out, with Tony in frame going 'Oh wonderful'. I know you just wrote it as flirtacious banter, but I think there is room there for more ludicrous horror movie cliches for the characters to showcase and Tony to be bewildered by. If you plan on doing a re-write I'd advise escalating the absurdity.

Thanks. It's the first of a series of sketches involving the same characters, which is why this one stops the way that it does.

Hey the feedback; thanks

Well, keep them coming in as I enjoy reading them. Out of interest, what are you planning to do with them?

I'm building a portfolio of my work; sketches, scripts, short films, ideas etc... so that when competitions and opportunities come along, I will have work ready to go straight away

Ah. Good idea. Though it may be worth trying to film some of them, that one only needs a fairly creepy location and a few decent actors to knock it out the park.

Well that's a plan for the future. My co-writer and myself are planning our short horror film for a film festival, so comedy is currently close with horror on the writing side of things