SOOTYJ'S MINIONS SIT FEARFULLY IN SOOTYJ'S CAVERN OF EVIL, IN CHAIRS THAT LOOK LIKE THEY MIGHT DROP YOU INTO A PIRANA TANK.
SOOTYJ IS CHEERFULLY BEATING MATHEW CORBETT TO DEATH WITH A BASEBALL BAT SOOTY THE GLOVE PUPPET IS HANGING OFF THE FRONT OF SOOTYJ'S TROUSERS (BEST NOT TO ASK WHAT'S KEEPING HIM IN PLACE)
EVERY ONE OF HIS SENTENCES IS PUNCTUATED WITH HIM MESSILY STRIKING CORBETT'S WELL PULPED BODY.
SOOTYJ
I can't believe he thought he could infiltrate my empire of evil by hiding under the table and waving that magic wand. Who will SWEEP up the remains?
EVERY ONE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY AS SOOTYJ STRIKES CORBETT'S CORPSE SPLATTERING SOOTYD WITH SPINAL FLUID.
SOOTYM
At least he won't SUE you!
SOOTYJ PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE TABLE SOOTYM IS CATAPAULTED INTO THE CEILING WHERE HE IS IMPALED ON A BIG SPIKE, ALONGSIDE THE MILKMAN AND OTHERS WHO DISPLEASED SOOTYJ.
SOOTYJ
I make the puns around here! Now for my evil plot.
SOOTYP
Not the one where we assassinate Felicity Kendall and Richard Briers on the same day thus ensuring no more Good Life ever!
SOOTYJ
A good plan but no, something far worse. No I'm going to become a...troll.
SOOTYW
You truly are an evil despicable bastard.
SOOTYJ
Thank you but you can stop sucking upto me.
SOOTYP
Please don't kill me...but how does this troll business work?
SOOTYJ
Well first of all you pick an hilarious pseudonym so no one knows who you are.
SOOTYP
Like R_U_Sooty_Jealous, you could even hilariously pretend to be girl so you could make all kinds of self referential misogynist jokes.
SOOTYJ
I like it, when your death comes it will be relatively painless. Now we need to come up with some really rubbish comedy scripts; preferably really long or needlessly offensive.
SOOTYC
But enigmatic so you might be being really esoteric. And people will argue if you're a troll for pages and pages, thus narking off any real writers.
SOOTYJ
Now you're getting it but we'll more pseudonyms.
SOOTYN
Why master?
SOOTYJ
So we can praise are deliberately awful scripts thus creating even more confusion.
SOOTYM
Like a talentless loser writing the names of imaginary friends on his school book and giving themselves hickies?
SOOTYJ
Yes just like me at work, oops.
SOOTYN
But what if you accidentally write something, well slightly, genuinely funny.
SOOTYW
Then no one would know you were a troll?
SOOTYJ
Hmm I guess the best trolls are just really not funny. They just annoy people so they think they're really funny and they're just not pretending.
SOOTYW
Like when girls kick you in the nuts when you chat them up Dark Lord?
SOOTYJ
Yes... damn, hold this.
SOOTYJ PLOPS THE PULPY REMAINS OF CORBETT INTO SOOTYW'S LAP THEN PRESSES THE BUTTON FIRING HIM AND THE REMAINS INTO THE CEILING. WHERE THEY STICK ON A SPIKE AND MESSILY DRIP ALL OVER THE NICE FRUIT SALAD ON THE TABLE.
SOOTYM
So we write endlessly irritatingly unfunny scripts that are just enigmatic enough to be real.
SOOTYX
Mixed in with bigging up our own sorry efforts and annoy loads of people.
SOOTYZ
But won't our trade mark awful grammar and spelling give us away imediately?
SOOTYJ
Knickers.
SOOTYJ PRESSES A BUTTON DESTROYING THE WORLD WITH AN ATOMIC BOMB,
